Texas Chili Cookoff

[Skyview69]

Subject: Texas Chili Cook0ff

>

> > These are notes from an inexperienced chili

> > taster named FRANK, who was

> > visiting Texas from New Jersey ...

> >

> > "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th

> > attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked

> to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.

> >

> > Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick

> at the last moment, and I happened to be standing

> there when the call came in. I was assured by

> > the other two judges (Native Texans) that it

> > would be a fun event and true taste of Texas

> hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't

> > be all that spicy, and besides, they told me

> > could have free beer during the tasting, so I

> accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

> >

> > **Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

> > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

> > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

> > FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?

> > You could remove dried paint from your driveway

> with it. Took me two beers to put the flames

> > out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are

> > crazy.

> >

> > **Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

> > JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

> > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

> > seriously.

> > FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I

> am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off

> > two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

> They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw

> the look on my face.

> >

> > *****Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

> > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

> > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

> > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

> I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

> Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the

> > front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

>

> > ****Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

> > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

> > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

>or

> > other mild foods, not much of a chili.

> > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

> taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with

>fresh

> > refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like

>this

> > nuclear-waste I'm eating.

> >

> > *****Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

> > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

>adding

> > considerable kick. Very impressive.

> > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must

> > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

> > FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I

> > farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant

> > seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain

> > damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly

> > on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges

> > asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

> >

> >

> >*****Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

> > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

> > spice and peppers.

> > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

> > Superb.

> > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

> > sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

>that

> > slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

> >

> > ****Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

> > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned

>peppers.

> > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can

>of

> > chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I

>am

> worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit

>of

> > distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

> > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

> wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the

>sight in one eye, and

> the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt

>is

> covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My

> > pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At

> least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.

> > I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

> > Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

>air,

> I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

> >

> > ****Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

> > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for

> all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

> > existence.

> > JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild

>nor

> > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge

>Number 3

> passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top

>of himself.

> > Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

> > FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

>

>

>

[Marck]

Hilarious... 

[RD]

BRINGING UP THE DEAD...

BUT I TELL YA WHAT!!! This absolutely has me in tears each time I read it... If you have never had Texas chili.. you probably won't laugh as hard as those of us who have.

[Skyview69]

BRINGING UP THE DEAD...

BUT I TELL YA WHAT!!! This absolutely has me in tears each time I read it... If you have never had Texas chili.. you probably won't laugh as hard as those of us who have.

I just re-read this and I agree...I am in tears again 

[Tilar]

   I'm sure glad you posted this... We were having a conversation about chili at work the other day and I brought up Chili cook-offs in Texas and that everyone should experience one. And then I thought about this joke. I'm going to print that off and take it into work. 

[69rtse4spd]

Have not laughed that hard in a long time, brought tears to my eyes.  .

[chargergirl]

Sounds like one Christmas dinner from Texas where the Turkey and the ham were soooo hot no one could eat them but the Texans. This joke is true!