new rules for 2007

[charger490]

>>GEORGE  CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:
>>
>>
>>New  Rule:  Stop giving me that pop-up ad for _classmates.com_
>>(http://classmates.com/) !   There's a reason you don't talk to  people
>>for 25 years.
>>Because you don't particularly like them!   Besides, I already know what
>>the
>>captain of the football team is doing these  days -- mowing my lawn.
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  Don't eat anything that's  served to you out a window
>>unless you're a seagull.  People are acting all  shocked that a human
>>finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.  Hey, it  cost less than
>>a dollar.  What did you
>>expect it to contain?   Lobster?
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex  with their hot,
>>blonde teachers are permanently damaged.  I have a better  description
>>for these
>>kids:  "Lucky bastards."
>>
>>
>>New Rule:   If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
>>you're
>>a dope.   If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.  If
>>you're
>>a grown  man, they're pictures of men.
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  Ladies, leave your  eyebrows alone.  Here's how much men
>>care about your eyebrows:  Do you  have two of them?  Okay, we're done.
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  There's no  such thing as flavored water.  There's a whole
>>aisle of this crap at the  supermarket, water, but without that watery
>>taste.
>>Sorry, but  flavored water is called a soft drink.  You want flavored
>>water?  Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your
>>flavored  water.
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  Stop screwing with old people.  Target is  introducing a
>>redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger  label.   And the top
>>is now the
>>bottom.  And by the time grandpa  figures out how to open it, his ass
>>will be in
>>the morgue.   Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
>>crisis  .
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  The more complicated the Starbucks order, the  bigger the
>>asshole.
>>  If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf  grande, half-soy, 
>>half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread  cappuccino,
>>extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," 
>>ooh, you're a huge asshole.
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  I'm not the  cashier!  By the time I look up from sliding
>>my card, entering my PIN  number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
>>amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash  back, and pressing "Enter"
>>again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is  standing there
>>eating my Almond Joy.
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  Just because  your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
>>doesn't make you spiritual.  It's  right above the crack of your ass. 
>>And it translates to "beef with  broccoli."  The last time you did
>>anything spiritual, you were praying to  God you weren't pregnant.
>>You're not spiritual.  You're just high.
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  Competitive eating isn't a sport.  It's  one of the seven
>>deadly
>>sins.  ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of  Competitive Eating,
>>because
>>watching those athletes at the poker table was just  too damned exciting.
>>What's next, competitive farting?  Oh  wait.  They're already doing that.
>>It's
>>called "The Howard Stern  Show."
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms.  If  I'm extra hungry for
>>M&Ms,
>>I'll go nuts and eat two.
>>
>>
>>New  Rule:  If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
>>old
>>television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
>>so
>>we  can see what's playing on the other screens.  Let's remember the
>>reason
>>something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
>>good
>>enough to be a movie.
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  No more gift registries.   You know, it used to be just for
>>weddings.  Now it's for babies and new  homes and graduations from rehab.
>>Picking
>>out the stuff you want and having  other people buy it for you isn't gift
>>giving, it's the white people version of  looting.
>>
>>
>>New Rule:  And this one is long overdue:  No more  bathroom attendants.
>>After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a  mint like I just
>>had sex
>>with George Michael.  I can't even tell if he's  supposed to be there, or
>>just
>>some freak with a fetish.  I don't want to be  on your web cam, dude.  I
>>just
>>want to wash my  hands.
>>
>>
>>New  Rule:  When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27
>>months."  "He's two" will do just fine.  He's not a  cheese.   And I
>>didn't
>>really care in the first place.
>>
>>
>>New  Rule:  If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
>>pays
>>better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
>>available piece of flesh.  If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do
>>you
>>want fries with that?"
>>