Threatened Charger

[Homerr]

**Touchy-feely Alert***

I'm gonna reply again, because I've been there, done the hard work, and now have a great relationship with my wife.  And by 'hard work' I mean that literally, it is very tough to change decades of learnings and to start to talk about feelings.  I grew up in a stoic Scandinavian family where feelings were never talked about, I learned to 'stuff it' instead of speak out how I was feeling.

Is this the first time her bashing the Charger, or the latest?

Just the latest jab.    

You guys have good points, and by all means you are only hearing my side of the story......I'm not perfect, of course it takes both sides to make it work, etc.  Thank you for letting me post a few things to get them off my chest.  


I bought the car before we were married, and lamented about the purchase, knowing full well what kind of commitment it would be to get it fixed up the way it should be.

The car sat on the back burner for many years until my kids were older and there was a little more free time to finally start working on it.   I'm domesticated, and I really don' think that my wife realizes how nice she has it in that respect.

The wife didn't lift one finger to help with the Charger,and hastled me constantly about the money going into it, even though I sacrificed alot along the way to make up for it.  Just one example: she got a new car every few years, and I drove her hand-me-down vehicles (my daily for the last 10 years has been a mini-van...I should get credit for that!).  Another: I'm a handy guy, so pretty much all of  the home improvement tasks around the house I do myself, instead of hiring it out.

This is where where the pissing match starts.

I worked my butt off on my car with no support from her, and now she expects me to work my butt off and give her a new kitchen.  It's not fair.   From my perspective, she can do it herself, or hire someone.  Exactly what I had to do with the Charger.

Sorry about the rant....I'm starting to feel like a whiner, and don't want to start leaving bad impressions with you guys.  I've tried to uphold a decent standard on this board, and don't want to hose that up.  

Okay, first the good news.  You can both get exactly what you want.  Really, if you each work on it.  It's up to each of you to decide on this path however.  My wife and I were out of sync for a while on this, but one of us would do some work and each time the other would decide to match that new paradigm.  Each day, really, is like this.

I have no idea if you and your wife are compatible or will work this out.


A few housekeeping items and good practices:

1.  Check in with each other every day.  This can be 2-5 minutes each sharing, uninterupted, about how anything but should include feelings on topics brought up.  Ideally after one shares the other repeats back what they heard.  Just listen.  Don't try to fix things.  Don't blame.  Helps with connection, encourages communication, eliminates uncertainty & assumptions, helps with empathy.

2.  People freak out.  It happens.

3.  Don't demonize your wife.  Be a team. 

4.  Feelings mixed with thoughts are not feelings.  Examples:  "I feel you don't realize how good you have it with me."  "I feel that you don't listen to me."  "I support you and I don't feel like you give me enough credit."  Not feelings.  Generally, these unhelpful statements are where someone else does something to us.

5.  Mad, sad, glad, scared, hurt are base feelings.  Use these words or derrivatives to describe how you are feeling.  Examples:  "I feel disappointment when I am unable to continue work on the Charger."  "I'm lonely and I want to connect."  "I feel frustrated when my contributions are unrecognized."

6.  Needs.  What we are longing for.  Try to state your needs clearly.

7.  Work on communicating with empathy.  Listen and chime in with, "Are you angry when you feel unheard?"  "Are you feeling reluctant to get bids on a kitchen remodel?"  These should be contextual in the conversation and come from a place of interest.  A stem sentence for this is, "Are you feeling (insert feeling here) when you are not getting (insert need here)?  Try talking with your wife where each of you share for 10 minutes with only these empathetic prompts as a reply to the speaker.  Do this a couple of times a week.  Again, no fixing or blaming.

8.  I'm not a counselor, go see one.  What's that?  You're not man enough?  Sure you are, you can do it.  It won't kill you or make you get gay married.  You'll be fine.

9.  Find a counselor that will call you out on your shit.  If you find yourself just venting and then walking out the door try shopping around for another counselor.

10.  Match the support with the need.  At the height of our issues I had a counselor twice a week, my wife had a different counselor twice a week, and we had a joint counselor once a week.  It only lasted like that a few weeks, and it got us through a time where without that support we both would have just gotten frustrated with each other and split.  We chose to stick with it however.

11.  If it comes to it a separation can be a good thing.  When we're enmeshed in a relationship we lose sight of ourselves.  A relationship losing spark can be emblematic of this.

...
It is becoming very apparent what I have to do.  






Start looking for a girlfriend.




One that likes cars.



And practices law. 

LOL, so she can get your cars when that one blows up?!   

[TUFCAT]

No offense to you guys trying to help, but if this happened to me I wouldn't be hanging out on a dodge charger forum looking for answers and airing out my dirty laundry...

Nor would I listen to my internet car buddies that I don't know.  

Try picking up a woman's magazine dude. They're all over the place at the checkout counter at any drugstore.  Nobody even knows your situation, and look, all these people are stepping up offering help.  You should be talking to a professional like a marriage counselor or a couples therapist - if things get worse.

You'll never see me post anything about an argument I've had with Mrs. Tufcat.

[RAC95054]

You know, I've been dealin' with this crap for so long, it's just part of life.  Most the time I just push through until things calm down.  Maybe I just accept that this might be my cross to bear.  

But for her to come right out and say, "You better watch out, I'm gonna do something to that thing.  I'm serious."

Who says crap like that?   Someone desperate?  Backed into a corner?  Nothing to lose?

What reasonable outcome can she expect from such behavior?

That's just it.  She is looking for a reaction/action. I'm pretty sure her intent isn't to bash up your car (unless she believes you've been cheating on her).  I think you mentioned earlier how you are "domesticated" and that she was in the service and is unfiltered (to which I translate as she takes charge and you go with the flow).  Maybe after all these years, she wants you to fight back. She wants you to yell at her, show her who's boss because she is tired of being the outgoing/emotional one.  She wants a reaction... some passion towards her, and not a Charger.  Maybe it's all that simple, and there is no underlying story.  But you both clearly need to sit down and have a very in-depth conversation. Like now.  Cars and kitchen remodels don't usually cause issues like this, unless you are spending money you don't have on either (or both).  So if there is no money issue (the leading cause of marriage problems, BTW), then it's an attention issue (or lack thereof), or perhaps she has met someone else, and now little things that bothered her about you before become more amplified, because she is looking for things to justify her actions.  You need a date night to get out and re-connect, if there is something to be saved, and which you both want to.  Even if you are doing things yourself to save money, does any of that money go towards a vacation together, or nice dinners, or nice present for her birthday/anniversary/etc?  When was the last time you gave her flowers (or whatever she really likes)?  In most every relationship, you get what you give, and it's usually all the little things are what add up to the most.

[RAC95054]

No offense to you guys trying to help, but if this happened to me I wouldn't be hanging out on a dodge charger forum looking for answers and airing out my dirty laundry...

Nor would I listen to my internet car buddies that I don't know.  

Try picking up a woman's magazine dude. They're all over the place at the checkout counter at any drugstore.  Nobody even knows your situation, and look, all these people are stepping up offering help.  You should be talking to a professional like a marriage counselor or a couples therapist - if things get worse.

You'll never see me post anything about an argument I've had with Mrs. Tufcat,  

A fair statement... but there are enough people here with real life experience to at least give 2 cents.

[RAC95054]

Okay, first the good news.  You can both get exactly what you want.  Really, if you each work on it.  It's up to each of you to decide on this path however.  My wife and I were out of sync for a while on this, but one of us would do some work and each time the other would decide to match that new paradigm.  Each day, really, is like this.

I have no idea if you and your wife are compatible or will work this out.


A few housekeeping items and good practices:

1.  Check in with each other every day.  This can be 2-5 minutes each sharing, uninterupted, about how anything but should include feelings on topics brought up.  Ideally after one shares the other repeats back what they heard.  Just listen.  Don't try to fix things.  Don't blame.  Helps with connection, encourages communication, eliminates uncertainty & assumptions, helps with empathy.

2.  People freak out.  It happens.

3.  Don't demonize your wife.  Be a team. 

4.  Feelings mixed with thoughts are not feelings.  Examples:  "I feel you don't realize how good you have it with me."  "I feel that you don't listen to me."  "I support you and I don't feel like you give me enough credit."  Not feelings.  Generally, these unhelpful statements are where someone else does something to us.

5.  Mad, sad, glad, scared, hurt are base feelings.  Use these words or derrivatives to describe how you are feeling.  Examples:  "I feel disappointment when I am unable to continue work on the Charger."  "I'm lonely and I want to connect."  "I feel frustrated when my contributions are unrecognized."

6.  Needs.  What we are longing for.  Try to state your needs clearly.

7.  Work on communicating with empathy.  Listen and chime in with, "Are you angry when you feel unheard?"  "Are you feeling reluctant to get bids on a kitchen remodel?"  These should be contextual in the conversation and come from a place of interest.  A stem sentence for this is, "Are you feeling (insert feeling here) when you are not getting (insert need here)?  Try talking with your wife where each of you share for 10 minutes with only these empathetic prompts as a reply to the speaker.  Do this a couple of times a week.  Again, no fixing or blaming.

8.  I'm not a counselor, go see one.  What's that?  You're not man enough?  Sure you are, you can do it.  It won't kill you or make you get gay married.  You'll be fine.

9.  Find a counselor that will call you out on your shit.  If you find yourself just venting and then walking out the door try shopping around for another counselor.

10.  Match the support with the need.  At the height of our issues I had a counselor twice a week, my wife had a different counselor twice a week, and we had a joint counselor once a week.  It only lasted like that a few weeks, and it got us through a time where without that support we both would have just gotten frustrated with each other and split.  We chose to stick with it however.

11.  If it comes to it a separation can be a good thing.  When we're enmeshed in a relationship we lose sight of ourselves.  A relationship losing spark can be emblematic of this.

Some very good points/input, but I really believe the first thing to do is have a calm, in-depth and honset one-on-one talk. Try to determine what the actual problem is, or decide to see a counselor if nothing productive comes from your one-on-one.  But you can't put this off.  You should be talking to her right now.

[6spd68]

Heh, the trick is to have your Charger, and have it built before you're married.  This way there's no talking on that matter, it's YOURS. 

[Cooter]

I feel fortunate I married a good woman that don't gimme no sh*t.

[Bobs69]

I haven't read the whole thread but I'll speak up like I know something.  Couldn't hurt could it?

Let's say you are spending too much time in the garage, on the car, talking about the car and IN THE SAME ROOM AS HER BUT ON THE INTERNET IGNORING HER WHILE YOU READ ABOUT CARS. 

I see on your profile that you are 44 years old, and your wife is 43.  First off try getting rid of the TV in your bedroom.  Either sleep or screw in there.  Your attention won't be divided between her and the TV.

I think you mentioned that your wife isn't interested in your car?  She has her own profile on this site?  Maybe she just wants to be more involved with what you are doing?  Maybe she just wants you to get excited about something she is excited about?

[Lord Warlock]

Why don't you hire a contractor to come out and build her new kitchen?  Sure its an expense that far outweighs what you get back later, but it will keep her quiet for 3 months so it may be worthwhile. 

Women are irrational, and do not look at the man's hobbies in the same ways that they look at their own, they see our cars as a waste of time and money, but somehow feel they NEED 50 pairs of shoes (I have 4 pair, two pairs of tennis shoes, one ratty one nice, two pairs of dress shoes, one black one brown and thats all i need) 

I can relate somewhat,  while my wife of almost 30 years has never directed her ire toward my charger, which I owned before i started dating her in high school, she has an utter contempt for the dodge stealth that I drove daily for 10 years while she got new car after new car to make her shut up.  When it hit 100k miles, i decided to update it and fix some of the issues that had developed over the 10 years, and will admit that I probably went overboard when i replaced the motor, the turbos, the drivetrain, the paint, the interior etc,  and she saw 20k disappear into a car that I didn't even drive anymore, and not into the charger that sat stored in the garage, ever since that rebuild, she has hated the stealth, and constantly harps on me to sell it or get rid of it, although she's never threatened to damage it, i can say I'd be worried if I left her alone with it for six months. 

In my case, the wife is a keeper, she supports me and my habits, and i pretty much only earn half of what she does when I'm working, occasionally i may earn close to her, but it never lasts as I tend to do contract IT work which is temporary in nature (but lets me have plenty of time off between jobs).  I personally don't have any strong reason to hang onto the stealth turbo as I don't drive it, and it sits next to the charger or outside of the garage in the backyard as a fancy birdbath, but I also can't justify selling off a car that i put 20k into and now can only sell it for 6k.  Therefore I'll hold on to it until it goes up in value again to 10k, then I'll sell it if i can or give it/sell it to the kids if they want it. (they rode in the backseats when they were toddlers thru middle school)

The wife does know that my ties to the charger are very strong, and if she tried to put her foot down and start demanding I get rid of it, i'd probably take drastic action...such as transfer the title to my Dad's name so she couldn't sell it herself, and if she damaged it in any way, I'd divorce her and move out, after all, while i've been with my spouse since Nov 1978,  I got the charger in June 1978.  The kids have grown up and will both be gone soon, and then it'll only be me and her again, and if she ever wants to go anywhere, it will most likely be car gatherings that get me to leave my house to some out of state location which she wants to visit as well.  I get just as much satisfaction sitting in the garage next to the charger watching tv as I do sitting next to the wife watching tv, so she'd best learn to live with it and not give me grief. 

This last year, my dad liquidated a few of his toys and distributed the funds to me as part of my "inheritance" a little early, which gave me a car fund to work with that didn't draw from the joint savings between wife and me, so now she can't even claim that the money being spent comes from her anymore, I've done more to the charger in the last 4 months than i've done in the last 20 years.   

[ACUDANUT]

 I keep my "toys" inside my "barn". She is not allowed in there. 

[Lord Warlock]

By the way, about 7 years ago, I got tired of the wife nagging me about a new kitchen in the house we've lived in for 20 years.  So I hired a contractor to come out and build her a kitchen where she got to pick everything out with all the options she wanted...(its a small kitchen so didn't cost that much, probably only 20k,)  but at the same time, i had the same contractor build me another 2 car garage in the backyard to store the charger and one other collector car (stealth)  In doing so, it let her have a parking spot in the front garage so she didn't have to get wet when it was raining.  She liked that idea and probably likes the idea of me spending so much time in the garage as she can read a book or watch what she wants on TV.  Currently i only have a 24 inch TV in the garage (yes it has cable routed to the garage) but plan on upgrading the TV out there to a 32 or even a 48 incher once i get another job soon.   

[ACUDANUT]

My wife does not how to really cook, so a kitchen is/was never a big issue. 

[charge69]

ACUDANUT,  I pity you as I have a web-foot Cajun wife that loves to cook and is extremely good at it. Everything from basic home-cooking to gourmet.  Throughout our married life (over 37 years) many people have encouraged her to open her own restaurant but, we both knew how much work was involved in that and just were not willing to do it.

I could not be married to a woman that cannot or will not cook! I don't care how good restaurant food is, it isn't as good as my wife's home cooking!

I, also happen to know my way around a kitchen myself! However; I have been spoiled by her wanting to cook so, I just go with the flow!! I do help her prepare the meal sometimes, though.

Our kitchen has never been remodeled (lived here 38 years) but the idea has been discussed before. With just the 2 of us,  it isn't a priority for either of us.

[ACUDANUT]

I am glad someone has pity on me.  

[Lord Warlock]

pitty party pitty party pitty party

[TUFCAT]

Good thing the wife didn't ask for a complete basement remodel.

[Ghoste]

You did one of those didn't you?

[TUFCAT]

I sure did...and it ended up about the cost of a Hemi Charger.  But hey, wife was happy and I can always finish that car someday...  By the way does anyone have a money tree seedling?  Just a seedling!!  

[HeavyFuel]

No offense to you guys trying to help, but if this happened to me I wouldn't be hanging out on a dodge charger forum looking for answers and airing out my dirty laundry...

Nor would I listen to my internet car buddies that I don't know.  

Try picking up a woman's magazine dude. They're all over the place at the checkout counter at any drugstore.  Nobody even knows your situation, and look, all these people are stepping up offering help.  You should be talking to a professional like a marriage counselor or a couples therapist - if things get worse.

You'll never see me post anything about an argument I've had with Mrs. Tufcat.

Yeah, well sometimes a guy just has to vent a little, as my opening line in the op stated.   

This is as good a place as any......to vent.   I think a few guys here can relate.

As far as the woman's magazine.....don't need it.  I already know "10 Different Positions To Give Her An Orgasm".   

[TUFCAT]

As far as the woman's magazine.....don't need it.  I already know "10 Different Positions To Give Her An Orgasm".  

ROTFLMAO!!  Dude, I'm lovin that!  

[HeavyFuel]

Thought you'd get a kick out of that.   

[6pkrtse]

O.P. Sorry for your luck and possible threat to your Charger. Do what I did and get rid of her. Divorced three weeks now, best thing I ever did. I got lucky though. Kept the house, my three kids in their home here with me and kept the cars, toys, etc.

[polywideblock]

have to agree best thing I could have done , sounds like you got lucky thought they always took the side of the woman over there   

[xs29bb1]

....sounds like you got lucky thought they always took the side of the woman over there   

I think if the men got everything they wanted in the divorce all the time, the divorce rate might be a little higher than it is now....