George Carlin's Top 12 Rules/Observations for 2006, haha

[SeattleCharger]

George Carlin's rules/observations for 2006

Rule 1:   Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them!  Besides, I already know what  the captain of the football team is
doing these days: mowing my lawn.

Rule 2:   Don't eat anything  that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull.  People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain?  Trout?

Rule 3:   Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky  bastards.

Rule 4:   If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man , they're pictures of men.

Rule 5:   Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

Rule 6:   There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the  supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

Rule 7:   Stop f***ing with old  people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's  square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the  Social
Security crisis.

Rule 8:   The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande  half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread  cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one  NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
ass hole.

Rule 9:   I'm not the cashier! By the  time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number,  pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't  want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond  Joy.

Rule 10:   Just because your tattoo has Chinese  characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual.  It's right above the crack of your ass.  And it
translates to "beef with broccoli."  The last time you did anything
spiritual,  you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not 
spiritual. You're
just high.

Rule 11:   Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins.  ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.  They're already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern  Show."

Rule 12:   I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If  I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll  go nuts  and eat two.

     

      I like three, ten is funny too.

[Old Moparz]

Carlin's stuff is great.