New Rules for 2007

[MichaelRW]

New Rules For 2007

>> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
>> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
>> particularly like them!  Besides, I already know what the captain of the
>> football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
>>
>> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
>> you're a seagull
>>
>> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
>> blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
>> these kids: lucky bastards.
>>
>> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
>> you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
>> you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>>
>> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
>> about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>>
>> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.  There's a whole aisle
>> of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
>> Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
>> water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
>>
>> New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
>> redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
>> now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
>> ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
>> Social Security crisis.
>>
>> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
>> asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
>> half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
>> dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
>> huge asshole.
>>
>> New Rule: I'm not the cashier!  By the time I look up from sliding my
>> card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
>> deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing Enter" again, the kid
>> who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
>> Joy.

      New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
>> make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
>> translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
>> spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
>> spiritual. You're just high.


      New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
>> sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
>> because
>> watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
>> What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
>> It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>>
>> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
>> television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
>> so we can see what's playing on the other screens.  Let's remember the
>> reason something was a television show in the first place is that the
>> idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

>> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
>> weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
>> Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
>> isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

>> New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
>> After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
>> with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
>> just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.
>> I just want to wash my hands.

>> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
>> months. It's. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
>> cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

>> New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
>> pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
>> every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
>> saying" Do you want fries with that?
>>
>> Cheers and Happy 2007,