LMAO!

[bobs66440]

 

Steven Wright-isms
He's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When every thing is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

[RallyeMike]

My favorite comic of all time, hands down. I didnt know some of these where his 

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

As an accused semi-work-a-holic, I always thought this was one of his best. It bent my mind. So much in fact, that It changed my way of thinking about taking a break.

[TK73]

One of my favorites (don't know who's this is):

"I'm a workoholic; every time I think about work I get drunk"

[Domino]

Approx quotes from the show Moonshiners:
"I never drink too much. I always drink just enough" Tickle
"Treat every shotgun as if it's loaded, and keep it that way 'cause it ain't no use unloaded." Tim

[Old Moparz]

Steven Wright is hilarious.  

I remember seeing him on HBO many years ago, it was one of the "Young Comedians" specials.

Steven: "I needed something from the 24 hour convenience store one night, so I drove down there. As I parked & started to get out of the car, I see the clerk had shut the lights off & started locking the door. I said to him, What are you doing, I thought you were open 24 hours?"

Clerk: "Yeah, but not in a row."  

------------

Steven:  "I bought a humidifier & a dehumidifier. I turn them both on at the same time & let them fight it out.

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Steven: "A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really...Well, okay, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."

------------

Steven:
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

[PocketThunder]

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Steven: "A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really...Well, okay, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." ------------

"I remember you"...  ya i'm not getting it...... 

[learical1]

------------


Steven: "A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really...Well, okay, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." ------------

"I remember you"...  ya i'm not getting it...... 

He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." 

If I remember him, we're not total strangers, so he is less likely to push me off the chairlift.

[Ponch ®]

Ill Hijack this with a Bill Hicks-ism (RIP):

"[about three rednecks who met him after a show where he made a joke about Christians]
[imitating them] "Hey buddy, we're Christians, we don't like what you said."
[in his own voice] I said "Then forgive me"."

[bobs66440]

------------


Steven: "A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really...Well, okay, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." ------------

"I remember you"...  ya i'm not getting it...... 

He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." 

If I remember him, we're not total strangers, so he is less likely to push me off the chairlift.

Or...he was the stranger the guy pushed off the ferris wheel and he has the bad fortune to be with him again 

[PocketThunder]

------------


Steven: "A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really...Well, okay, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." ------------

"I remember you"...  ya i'm not getting it...... 

He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." 

If I remember him, we're not total strangers, so he is less likely to push me off the chairlift.

Or...he was the stranger the guy pushed off the ferris wheel and he has the bad fortune to be with him again 

Ok, I see said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.