Parents living with you?. Anyone else?

[hemi68charger]

Hey gang..

Thought I'd ask for some experience in the care-giving arena..... Seems Mom's not in a position to take care of herself properly... Physically she's ok at 65, but psychologically, she's been challenged since Dad's death 7 years ago.. Being that she lives way too far in her current house, we moved her temporarily in an apartment nearby. Even being able to check in on her much more frequent, my wife and I still see her inability to care for herself properly, ie, hygiene and eating habits..... We plan on moving her in with us and either expanding our current home or buying a slightly bigger one with her own "area".. We'll use the dinero from the selling of her house to help out there..... She's all for that as well.......    From a day-2day situation now, she's fine in that she loves watching her Game-Show Network and Sports and isn't high-maintenance on us..... I think once she gets up in more years, we may need some home-health care... She's fully insured medically via my late-father's retirement pension from the Post Office plus she gets nearly $2000 per month...... The only other option would be to put her in a retirement community and that would run nearly $2800 and that doesn't even cover medical assistance....  I'm her step-son and we've been together since I was about 4 years old.. Her "real" son's in the Army active duty and never lived with her, so I'm all she really has......  Doesn't she get additional medical at 65? Medicaid or Medicare?   I really don't want to put her somewhere.....

With the money she gets from her house, we should be able to find something more suited for everyone's needs... I have a 8 month old and a 6 year old... My wife is actually the one who suggested this...... I think it may be a win-win situation for all of us.... She'll help with bills and mortgage and we'll help maintain her life........  The ONLY problem with moving is finding something with a 4-car + garage I have now and that'll not be compromised..... 

Troy

[41husk]

best of luck Troy.  I was able to care for my mother before she lost her battle with cancer.  I have never regreted the decision to move her in.

[Johnny SixPack]

You know my situation, Troy.

It is a tough decision since you have much more to worry about than I did in the way of family and such.

I've learned a lot and had some amazing experiences over the past 4+ years, but I won't say that it is easy.

I don't regret it though, and would do it again if asked.

She's my mom, and hell... she put up with a lot of crap from of me for 18 years.

Well, more like 32.

Plus, I've seen more than one 'retirement'/nursing home during this time, and none of them are a place I'd feel comfortable leaving a loved one (especially one requiring a more one-on-one type care).

And yes, at 65 she will receive Social Security and Medicare, unless she is disabled, and then she can file for it earlier.

Good luck my friend.

[hemi68charger]

You know my situation, Troy.

It is a tough decision since you have much more to worry about than I did in the way of family and such.

I've learned a lot and had some amazing experiences over the past 4+ years, but I won't say that it is easy.

I don't regret it though, and would do it again if asked.

She's my mom, and hell... she put up with a lot of crap from of me for 18 years.

Well, more like 32.

Plus, I've seen more than one 'retirement'/nursing home in during this time, and none of them are a place I'd feel comfortable leaving a loved one (especially one requiring a more one-on-one type care).

And yes, at 65 she will receive Social Security and Medicare, unless she is disabled, and then she can file for it earlier.

Good luck my friend.

Thanks guys and Johnny... Your v-code '70's heart is sitting comfy in my garage until you pick her up....... So, I guess I'm caring for more than one family... lol

That's good to know about Medicare in the event she needs additional home health care we as a family can't provide and/or Blue Cross / Blue Shield....

[PocketThunder]

My Mom doesn't have a 401k and she doesn't seem to think about whats gonna happen when she gets old.  I plan on building a small efficiency apartment above my garage when I get time for that someday when I need to move her in.  Back in the old days this was common practice wasn't it?  The elderly lived with their families till death. 

[mikepmcs]

I think you definitely hit it on the head by moving her in.  It's more than obvious you won't be satisfied with anything alse and don't want to put her in assisted living.  Like you said, she's your mother and who wouldn't want to pay their parents back for all the crap we dealt them when we were little.
Use the funds from her house  to add on to yours and basically put a house/nice apartment on top of a new 3 car garage. That makes the most sense to me.  My best friends father did just that for his father just last year.(3 car garage and huge apartment on top)  Now he can take care of his father on a daily basis and grandpa still feels independent due to the fact that he has his own place to retreat to.  I wish I had picture to show you cause I'm proud to say i helped out.  It is a very nice place that my buddy's dad built.

my.02

v/r
Mike

[Johnny SixPack]

You know my situation, Troy.

It is a tough decision since you have much more to worry about than I did in the way of family and such.

I've learned a lot and had some amazing experiences over the past 4+ years, but I won't say that it is easy.

I don't regret it though, and would do it again if asked.

She's my mom, and hell... she put up with a lot of crap from of me for 18 years.

Well, more like 32.

Plus, I've seen more than one 'retirement'/nursing home during this time, and none of them are a place I'd feel comfortable leaving a loved one (especially one requiring a more one-on-one type care).

And yes, at 65 she will receive Social Security and Medicare, unless she is disabled, and then she can file for it earlier.

Good luck my friend.

Thanks guys and Johnny... Your v-code '70's heart is sitting comfy in my garage until you pick her up....... So, I guess I'm caring for more than one family... lol

That's good to know about Medicare in the event she needs additional home health care we as a family can't provide and/or Blue Cross / Blue Shield....

Thanks, bro. 

My mom is still in the hospital, but it's lookin' like she should be out at the beginning of next week.

Then once my sis moves down in mid Feb. I can start getting the "70 squared away carb wise.

Eventually rebuild the orig. block as a bone stock Six Pack.

[Charger_Fan]

Plus, I've seen more than one 'retirement'/nursing home in during this time, and none of them are a place I'd feel comfortable leaving a loved one (especially one requiring a more one-on-one type care).

I'd hate the idea of moving my Mom into one of those places. The only way I'd do it is if she got to the point where she needed round the clock attention.
If your Mom is just at a point in life where she can mostly take care of herself, but only needs a little extra help here & there, I'd definitely move her in...and if your wife is all for it, then by all means! That's usually half the battle right there!  

[bull]

I encourage you to look into long-term care insurance while she is still capable and lucent. Long-term care insurance will help with the potential future costs of either private in-home or facility care, and if things get to the point where you are unable to care for her in your home the costs of professional care are very, very high. I understand elderly people are tested before this insurance can be provided, so many people wait until it's too late, but I would definitely give it a shot. There's no way I could afford to take care of my mother so we're looking into it now. She's 60 and still on the ball but things happen fast.

[hemi68charger]

I encourage you to look into long-term care insurance while she is still capable and lucent. Long-term care insurance will help with the potential future costs of either private in-home or facility care, and if things get to the point where you are unable to care for her in your home the costs of professional care are very, very high. I understand elderly people are tested before this insurance can be provided, so many people wait until it's too late, but I would definitely give it a shot. There's no way I could afford to take care of my mother so we're looking into it now. She's 60 and still on the ball but things happen fast.

Luckily, she has great insurance with my late-father's policy with BC/BS, her/his pension and now soon, medicare...... Kim called yesterday and verified that they do cover home health care and long-term medical assistance.. My Dad was right on the ball in making sure she was taken care of in the event something were to happen to him (which did when he passed away in '97 from Melanoma.)... Because of my harping on her after the fact, she paid off the house. So it's hers free and clear and nothing but profit which again, will help us tremendously in caring for her yet my life with my family retain it's normalcy as much as possible.......  I've thought about the 2nd story addition, but I think long term and when the day comes that she can't climb stairs.... (Yes, could get one of those fancy elevators, but would rather not)

[mikepmcs]

oh yeah, that is also part of it.  he has the chair thing on the railing so gramp justs sits in the chair if needed(cause he's hammered most of the time anyways) and just hits the button and up he goes to his front door.  It looks like a very simple mechanism to operate and it doesn't look bad at all. 

v/r
Mike

[bull]

I encourage you to look into long-term care insurance while she is still capable and lucent. Long-term care insurance will help with the potential future costs of either private in-home or facility care, and if things get to the point where you are unable to care for her in your home the costs of professional care are very, very high. I understand elderly people are tested before this insurance can be provided, so many people wait until it's too late, but I would definitely give it a shot. There's no way I could afford to take care of my mother so we're looking into it now. She's 60 and still on the ball but things happen fast.

Luckily, she has great insurance with my late-father's policy with BC/BS, her/his pension and now soon, medicare...... Kim called yesterday and verified that they do cover home health care and long-term medical assistance.. My Dad was right on the ball in making sure she was taken care of in the event something were to happen to him (which did when he passed away in '97 from Melanoma.)... Because of my harping on her after the fact, she paid off the house. So it's hers free and clear and nothing but profit which again, will help us tremendously in caring for her yet my life with my family retain it's normalcy as much as possible.......  I've thought about the 2nd story addition, but I think long term and when the day comes that she can't climb stairs.... (Yes, could get one of those fancy elevators, but would rather not)

Awesome! You are very fortunate because that can become a real financial strain for a lot of people.

[Old Moparz]

Hey Troy,

This sounds like a very close description of my mother in law's situation about 15 years ago. She lived alone after her husband died back in 1984. She had still worked, but retired soon after as she progressed with worse stages of dementia, maybe even Alzheimer's. At first it wasn't a serious problem & she managed to take care of herself with my wife stopping in 2 to 3 times each week. We lived just over an hour away, but my wife commuted & worked close to where she lived.

The 2 or 3 times each week became an everyday event because she gradually took less & less care of herself. The same thing as your step mother, physically she was fine, but mentally she stopped functioning on a normal level. Bathing regularly was an issue as well as eating decent meals. There were times she decided to eat an entire bag of gummy worms watching TV & that was all she'd eat that day. Eventually my wife's sister moved in to take care of her, but she worked & couldn't be there to watch her 24 hours a day that was needed.

This took it's toll on my sister in law as the primary care giver & eventually she needed help. The problem with the type of dementia my mother in law had, whether it was indeed Alzheimer's, left her disoriented & not able to recognize a lot of people she had known for years. Neighbors & some relatives were now total strangers, & for whatever reason, she was staying awake 20 hours out of the day. She needed 24 hour supervision so we hired a woman to stay with her in the daytime. She, my mother in law, would try to cook & had no idea what to do, sometimes putting cheese in a frying pan & leaving the house to do gardening.

Driving & leaving the house were non existent at this point. She did want to go shopping, but that would have been too dangerous. We fought with her to give up the car & let us take her, but the only way to do it was for me to disable the car so she couldn't leave at all. Gradually she had no desire to leave the house & became very recluse. Several years later, & in her later stages of the dementia, hallucinations became regular. She argued with everyone about anything, including whether she had to use the toilet. The woman taking care of her quit leaving my wife & her sister with a situation of not knowing what to do.

There wasn't enough money to consider alternative options without selling her house. Social Security & her pension added up to less than $850 per month, & no state aid was available unless she signed over the house to the state or the nursing home. My wife's sister was living there, so that wouldn't have worked. What did happen, happened by accident. She had been left alone briefly & during one of her hallucinations, called 911 to report an intruder. The police arrived & saw she was alone, but she insisted the intruder was on the sofa & that she was making him coffee. (Somewhat comical, but also serious.)

They took her to the county hospital for observation overnight & had contacted my wife & her sister. None of this was planned, but for a long time we had tried to get her to see her own doctor to make sure her dementia problem was not physical one. She refused & became extremely paranoid of everybody's intentions. By calling 911, she did in 1 minute what we had tried to do for a couple of years. A few days later she was home, but her condition eventually worsened to where she was hospitalized again & could not return home at all. We didn't know that at the time.

I started to do what was necessary to get her into a nursing facility for what we thought was temporary. A broken hip that would not heal because she refused to cooperate with physical therapy. She didn't understand what had happened & couldn't do what was required to get better. Since her hip never healed properly, she remained bedridden. It took several years to get to this point, her late stages of Alzheimer's, but it did happen, & it was very difficult on a lot of people. One thing that was hard, was learning that in order to admit her to the nursing facility, she'd have to sign over her house to them.

My whole point for this post is not to tell you what to do, I don't really know what it is you expect, but only that sometimes you may not see what can happen in the near future while caring for someone. We found out by trial & error what to do & what not to do, so if by passing some unexpected info along helps, then I hope it does. There are a lot of things that the hospital & state won't tell you, & one of them is that she could lose her own house to the state if it's not properly done. Eventually we needed a lawyer to handle a lot of the paperwork, especially after she passed away. Selling the house prior to all this doesn't solve the problem either. The state will research the sale date & determine it was sold to avoid signing it over & make you repay them the sale price.

I don't recall every detail, it was years ago, but since my sister in law was living there at the time, the house was kept as a life estate for my mother in law & the state couldn't take it. That also meant it couldn't be sold until after my mother in law's death, so she was always assured there was a place for her to live. This was a law to prevent scumbag kids from selling a house out from under an unsuspecting parent who was disabled or such. This took place in New Jersey, but I'm sure the requirements are very similar in other states.

If I can help with some more info, feel free to ask. You can post here so if anyone else is contemplating this they can see it. If not, send a PM. Sorry this is such a long response, but this kind of thing isn't something to take lightly.

Bob

PS..... One important thing to know is that picking just any lawyer isn't a good idea. Our own lawyer, a friend for over 20 years sent us to someone else. There are lawyers that handle these situations specifically, "Elder Care Attorney" is the term. Getting set up as the "Power of Attorney" while your mother is still with it is also a good idea.

[Silver R/T]

Great idea, I think you should be fine with her living with you. It's better than have someone else care for your mother, you don't know who he/she is.

[hemi68charger]

Hey Troy,

....
Bob

PS..... One important thing to know is that picking just any lawyer isn't a good idea. Our own lawyer, a friend for over 20 years sent us to someone else. There are lawyers that handle these situations specifically, "Elder Care Attorney" is the term. Getting set up as the "Power of Attorney" while your mother is still with it is also a good idea.

Bob...
Man, seems I'm going down the exact same road you did.. My mom's not all that bad now, but I have to think ahead here into the future.... I'm sure we're not the exception....  I've already talked to her about getting power of attorney.. I had to do it for myself when I got activation after 9/11.....  Kim, my wife, like you has a friend that's a lawyer and he's offered to help in any way..... I've heard all the horror stories about the State taking the house and all to compensate for assistance.. I'll not let that happen if not for her, but living up to the legacy my father did in making sure she was taken care of.. I wanna finish what he sought to do..... We are moving her this weekend into the house here and then my wife will begin the process of getting her house ready to sell.. We'll take the money and sit on it in the event the "perfect" house comes on the market here in the neighborhood we live in....  The thing that does suck is she has a one-year lease and she'll have to pay a penalty and have to pay rent until the unit gets rented... There's apparently nothing I or she can do in the event her health dictates she can no longer live there........

Thanks for all the input, it's exactly what I'm looking for.... experiences and guidance....

Troy

[Charger_Fan]

Man, there's defnintely some things in this thread I've never thought of before, I'm glad this came up.
It's time for my siblings & I to have a little chat.

[dkn1997]

That's a tough one troy, I feel for you.  Not that it applies to you since you are moving her in with you, but assisted living is so much better than some people here seem to think.  My stepmother's mom decided to sell her house and move right into one of those about 15 years ago.  She saw the writing on the wall that she was not able to keep up a house and get around, etc.. The place she moved into was beautiful and the care was top notch.  you start out living in your own apartment (no different from the condos that a lot of old people buy anyway)  as you deteriorate, you move into different levels.  It gave her at least 10 quality years she never would have had.  She passed away about 2 years ago, but overall the experience was so great.  she was very happy there.  Not all assisted living is "one of those places"  my wifes grandmother is in one now.  She, unfortunately did not see the writing on the wall and was basically forced to go.   but now that she's there, she loves it. 

also, to all of you, plan ahead.  barring some sort of accident, most of us will end up getting too old to live alone and I know the last thing I want is to have my kids have to worry about me.