Friends that you had to let go.

[Kern Dog]

We have all had friends that eventually got too much to take.

Over the last several years, I have noticed something about people that has affected how much I am willing to tolerate.
SOME people talk about themselves too damned much.
To me, the most interesting person is the one that engages others in conversations. The dialog is a shared one and isn't one sided.
The absolute worst is the guy that only talks about what HE is interested in.
I went here, I went there, I bought this, I sold that.....
I know some guys that are great though. They ask questions, talk about tech, family stuff, current events and don't make every subject revolve around themselves.
TWO separate terminal bachelors that I've known always talk about themselves and show almost no interest in what anyone else wants to say.
Why is that? I know it isn't limited to just bachelors but I wonder if a lifetime of NOT having a woman around to care for tends to render them completely selfish.
Every car show that I go to, I see guys that I haven't seen in several months if not a year. Some are considerate people. Many are not. I always try to remember their car and ask them about it. Some reciprocate. Some see my question as an excuse to give a 17 minute monolog about everything on their minds. These are the ones that are slowly being added to the list of people I don't care to speak with that much.
I've mentioned this issue to many people that I know and some have said they feel the same way.
Tim is a guy that I've known for more than 12 years. He used to live in town but moved away for a job. He calls and wants to talk about everything HE is interested in. When I try to elaborate on something from my own day, I get the obvious signs of disinterest, followed by Okay, I gotta get going.
The last time he did this, in closing, I said...."Well, it was great listening to everything that YOU wanted to talk about".
He was surprised....What do you mean by that??
The guy was clueless. He is a software engineer but not smart enough to take a hint on this.
I like having friends but if the ones I have only see me as someone to listen to THEM talk all the time, I'll quit taking their calls.
How about you?
Have you had buddies with bad habits you just couldn't take?

[Kern Dog]

I knew a guy from High School that I was friends with for years.  He had a BAD temper and was often irrational about things.
The fucker broke 7 Milwaukee Skilsaws in one year, bashing them at work when he got pissed. He worked construction for most of his life.
He once painted his house 4 times in one weekend.
 He didn't like the 1st color, the second color or the 3rd. THEN after the 4th color, he decided that maybe the stucco was what he didn't like so the next weekend he put a skim coat of stucco on the house and painted it a FIFTH time.

He always thought the world was against him too.'
The final straw was how blatantly racist he became. Now, I love humor of all kinds, even racial jokes.
He was different. He hated Mexicans, blacks, Asians, everyone that wasn't white.
He got to where he'd go on a job and decide if he'd be interested in working there depending on the amount of Mexicans he saw on the job.
I couldn't stand that EVERY time he called, he'd go off on another tirade about how he hates Mexicans, how they "Took Over" construction and how he wanted to get rid of them.
To give you an idea of this guys mindset....One time a girlfriend broke up with him and he was pissed about it. He was out hunting and came across a dead lamb. He hauled that to his truck and then drove to an arena where a concert was being held. The ex was there so he paid the parking fee and drove down every row until he found her car, then put the dead lamb on her hood.
Yeah...he told me about this as if I was going to understand and congratulate him for it.

[Kern Dog]

Really? 42 views as of right now and nobody has a comment?
Maybe YOU are the one that others decided to avoid??   

[armor64]

I'll take a crack at this, but not quite as final : my best friend in college (also good friends with his parents), was my dorm roommate, as it goes, he got a toxic girlfriend that slowly soured him to every one of his friends.

Over the semester I saw less and less, as he was at her house, but when he did come back, it was to eat my food and use supplies i bought for myself (at this point living alone in the room.)

One day i finally broke, and asked if he could at least pay for some of the stuff, and he flipped out, bringing up tonnes of stuff that didn't make sense and that wasn't to do with me, how the engine i gave him for his truck overheated (he didnt check a new thermostat he got and it didnt open before a long trip back to her....arms?), how the primer for a repair i had was old and bubbled his paint (he didnt ask to use it, just took it...) and other stuff. I said, "well, you didnt ask for the primer, and the thermostat wasnt mine man...) he left.

The next day i come back to the room and all his stuff is gone, not a word, not a text reply, nothing. I went to his part store job to ask whats up, and he just walked behind the parts rows and wouldn't talk to me.

Asked all our friends, they said he refuses to talk to them too. Going home for a weekend, i stopped at his parents, and they were on my side, joking that they don't know what happened, but it was probably "her", but they had no Beef with me and he was an idiot, knowing that the issues weren't my fault.

After 2 years, he finally realized she was a monster and broke it off, but the damage was done, and didnt even try to apologize. 10 years later, i still visit his parents a few times a month at least, and have seen him come by their place a few a year. Its not the same, but at least hes in a better way now and we are on good terms, just not BFF's.

[Old Moparz]

I posted this story back in 2010 but it sure seems like it was more recent. No way I'd try to look him up after reading this, so he qualifies as a friend you have to let go. I do know that he is out of prison now, too.

-------------------------

Sometimes you think you know people quite well, even after having known them for many years. Then one day they do something that's WAAAAAAY out of character, or at least the character you interpreted them to be. I had heard from an old high school friend the other day who still lives in the same town we lived in back then. It prompted me to google a few other names of people I knew to see what they might be up to, like one of my best friends in college.

Unfortunately, I discovered that my college friend, Walter, got himself into some serious trouble. This is someone who I hung out with quite a bit & stayed in touch for years after college. My wife & I went to his wedding, he's been to our house, I've been to his house & had gone upstate to where his family had property & an old farm house near Hunter Mountain to spend a couple of weekends there. I would get Christmas cards from him & his wife, but at one point they just stopped. People get busy, so I figured it's no big deal.

So after I googled his name, this is what I found out......   

----------------
Westchester County District Attorney Janet DiFiore announced today that Walter XXXXX of New Rochelle, New York has been arraigned on a forty five count indictment, including twenty four felonies, charging:

One Count of Arson in the Second Degree, a class "B" Felony,

One Count of Arson in the Third Degree, a class "C" Felony,

Two Counts of Burglary in the Second Degree, class "C" Felonies,

Four Counts of Reckless Endangerment in the First Degree, class "D" Felonies,

Five Counts of Criminal Mischief in the Second Degree, Class "D" Felonies,

Two Counts of Aggravated Criminal Contempt, "D" Felonies,

Two Counts of Criminal Contempt in the First Degree, Class "E" Felonies,

One Count of Criminal Mischief in the Third Degree, a class "E" Felony,

Two Counts of Grand Larceny in the Fourth Degree, class "E" Felonies,

One Count of a Violation Section 1192, (3) of the New York State VTL, a class "E" Felony,

Two Counts of Criminal Possession of Stolen Property in the Fourth Degree, class "E" Felonies,

One Count of Arson in the Fourth Degree, a class "E" Felony,

Twenty Class "A" and "B" Misdemeanor counts charging Assault, Menacing, Petty Larceny, Resisting Arrest, Criminal Contempt and Criminal Possession of Stolen Property,

One Count of Unlawful Possession of Marihuana, a Violation.


On February 3rd, 2008, the defendant intentionally started a fire at 47 Maple Avenue, New Rochelle, a multi-family dwelling which was fully occupied at the time of the fire. He carried up to the third floor two buckets and a container of gasoline. One bucket contained a flammable ignitable substance; the other contained numerous pieces of wood that were gasoline soaked.

The defendant then lit the fire at the dead end of a narrow third floor hallway, leaving no egress for the third floor tenant – his former girlfriend.

The defendant also poured gasoline from the top landing down to the entrance.

The defendant then fled the scene.

A short time later he was stopped by the New Rochelle police who observed the defendant in his motor vehicle, in an intoxicated condition, in the vicinity of North Avenue in New Rochelle.

He was placed under arrest.

Earlier in the day, Walter, at his previous residence, in New Rochelle, grabbed his ex-girlfriend, dragged her to the front door and pushed her down the stairs in a violent manner in an attempt to throw her out of the building.

On two subsequent occasions:

The evening of September 20th, 2008, the defendant placed a rock on the gas pedal of a U-Haul truck, setting the truck on a course down the driveway of 47 Maple Avenue, crashing it into two cars. The impact of the crash caused one vehicle to be pushed under the second and both broke through the back wall of the garage.

On September 24th, 2008, the defendant intentionally started a fire in the garage of 47 Maple Avenue. The building was used as paid storage by certain tenants of the building. The defendant intentionally started a fire by pouring gasoline in a U-shaped pattern in a corner of the garage and then lighting the area. The building was engulfed in flames and extensively damaged and has been condemned. Various articles of furniture, along with a vehicle parked outside, were destroyed by the fire.

Walter faces up to five to twenty five years in prison on the top count of the indictment.

Bail was set at one million dollars.

His next court date will be on December 1st, 2008.

Assistant District Attorney Barbara Egenhauser, Chief of the Domestic Violence Bureau, and Assistant District Attorney Pauline Haynes, of the domestic violence bureau, will prosecute the case.

[Kern Dog]

Well, shit.....I never knew anyone THAT bad.
The racist guy I knew was an angry person but I don't think he ever tried to burn anybody alive!   

[tan top]

sorry to say KD your friend could well of been narrcisistic 

not friends had to let go , but more like for me the type of people that i stay far away from if i can, when i was younger never realised what this sort of personality in a person was, would run my self ragged helping these sort of people out, in own time & in the work places i worked at even an old boss , they only have their own interests at heart & only nicy nicy buddy buddy when they want something  car fixing  or will use up your good nature till your exhausted , then still want more & then your a arse hole for not helping because ive figured them out, then they try to smear your good nature. you ask for help  ....... your on ya own no one wants to know or every one seems to go into hiding lol , sadly this personality trate is not just a man thing , as an Ex sucked me in with her bull shit & lies , i was besotted with her till i started noticing her false self , & she started showing her true colors after about 18 months , do your self a favour run from these people while your brain is in intact , other wise trying to show them the error of their ways / asking why they are doing this & why all this gas lighting,  crazy making , word salad , projection , blame shift etc will put you in a straight jacket trying fix their problem im talking about people with NPD , narcissistic personality disorders , & or the  narcissistic  spectrum  to some degree , had enough trying to fix understand help  these people to last a life time.  as mentioned an ex almost drove me mad was blinded by love she was so beautiful but & evil selfish monster in disguise, if anyone is bored or think they might be in contact with one      youtube this NPD  personality have a look & be warned what type of people to stay away from  so they dont drive ya crazy          , now been exposed to this personality so much can now spot them by the answer to a few questions or just by talking to them      , ( remember blade runner harrison ford  tracking down the replicants & only way to tell is asking them selected questions & to see how they react     

[Kern Dog]

Sorry to say KD your friend could well of been narcisistic 

Either that or just a clueless dipshit.
He still calls and texts with updates on what he is doing, AS IF I actually asked about it.
I have cut back on contact with him. I don't know if he will get the hint.
He is a software developer. You'd think he would be smart enough to see why people cut off contact with him.

[tan top]

Sorry to say KD your friend could well of been narcisistic 

Either that or just a clueless dipshit.
He still calls and texts with updates on what he is doing, AS IF I actually asked about it.
I have cut back on contact with him. I don't know if he will get the hint.
He is a software developer. You'd think he would be smart enough to see why people cut off contact with him.

you would think so,
is he round about our  age  though ?
not wanting to start anything with the generations etc, but from experiance sometimes the younger generation are so wrapped up into what they are doing ( seems like they are being rude or selfish but they are not ! they are just to ingrosed in their own life & stuff to pay any interest to anyone else except when they need to know something !  think its just how they are!   not all though
( of course there are & have always been those other  type of people in all generations i mentioned in my first post)
now this is esculating  especially gen Z they dont seem to comunicate like the older generations , more like  they ask questions in real life to real people like they are asking google or their favorite search engine. they remind me of spock from the original startrek , no conversation just direct question & answer type thing , or i could be me  !  i talk to much & take to long getting  the point     
sorry for the slight side track KD

[Kern Dog]

No, this guy is a few years older.
He is a lifelong bachelor. I suspect that since he never married and has no kids, it hasn't been driven into him to consider the needs of someone else, not just what HE wants.

[Tigger]

For me, it is just getting older and priorities change. I never had close friends that i would interact with weekly. I have good friends that know how my life is and i know how their life and schedule goes, we meet a couple times a year, catch up, and then move on with life.

[feeeighteefee]

who would had  thought  the  old cars  from late 60 early 70s  would cost  this much now ... insane prices .. had   a friend  who  use  to tell me  " you never finish your cars " .. he bit  the biscuit... man has time flew by.40 plus  years  past  and  car still sittin .at  least  1  st1ll has  hope !

[timmycharger]

Apparently I was let go by a once really close friend since 7th grade.  Whether it was his choice or his girlfriend/wife's choice is yet to be seen but it still sucks.

Him along with another friend of ours were pretty close going back to 1986 or so, racing bikes, then RC cars then real cars, all 3 of us having muscle cars and other things in common.  He was in my wedding as an usher, and my other friend's best man at his wedding.

in the last 10 years he started to change a bit, becoming a bit overly political on things and started hanging out with us less and less. Since we are all busy, we were all barely getting together 2x a year if that.

Then Covid hit and he disappeared. We tried getting him out for drinks here but he would always cancel at the last second or say something like he was concerned with the latest strand of Covid.

We never talk politics but me and my other friend tend to lean center/right vs him being the opposite. It was never an issue but I could tell things were changing. He stopped talking to his parents because he considers them to be "Trumpers" (his own words).

I couldn't care less about his views/beliefs, he was just a car guy and my fishing buddy, we just talked about other stuff.

The final nail in the coffin was last year at my other friend's 50th birthday party when the friend in question declined the email invite saying "sorry guys, I tried but I can't come".

Such a shame, losing a 40 year relationship over politics, when we never actually talk about it.  I miss my buddy.  Things certainly changed since he met his girlfriend, it took time but he is not the same person.

[Kern Dog]

I also know a guy that didn't seem political at all for most of the time we have known each other but the last few years, it escalated.
I got more outspoken and so did he.
I'm also one to lean right, he does the opposite. I tolerated many of his bad habits for years as we all do toward our friends but politics drew a wedge that seems hard to overcome. It is like when you decide to make a decision and several minor factors (faults of your friends) really begin to stand out.

[tcs69rt]

In 1986 I found myself stationed in Okinawa and made friends with a coworker. He and I chased girls and drank too much like 1st term enlistees do. He went to Florida and I went to Arizona. We were reassigned to Okinawa as our 3rd base a few years later and hung out again, this time with wives. Kinda kept in touch thru the last part of our careers. I did my 20 and retired out of Italy while he was in Florida. He seemed to stop communication after retiring and opening a sports bar. He had time to post pics on Facebook but no time for a "long distance" telephone beer with me. Cool.

But 5 years went by of no return texts or emails after his divorce. Out of the blue I get a call because he wants a 15k cash advance from my credit card for his legal troubles? He would not say what the charges were for. WTF! No communication after all these years and then "hey, give me 15 grand bro." I grilled his ass like us old Sarges did to bad troops. Seems he was arrested a second time with meth, ugh! People he hired at his bar got him smoking it.

IF I had given him the cash he needed it would not have helped. He is now in prison for the next 8 years with numerous meth charges. I have his contact info but have yet to write him a letter. Not sure if I should? Guys that knew us both in the military say I should leave him be but the old friend in me says to reach out....he's been in 10 months now.

[Kern Dog]

The expected response to your situation is to tell the guy to piss off...he made his choices, let him deal with the consequences.
You surely felt more for the guy than any of us could so shutting him out is harder for you.
It does make the most sense though.
I had a brother that died from abusing meth, he was 40 years old. I've never used so I find it repulsive and weak for others to do it. I have sympathy for the rough time they have but also I feel that they did it to themselves.

[Old Moparz]

Guys that knew us both in the military say I should leave him be but the old friend in me says to reach out....he's been in 10 months now.

His name isn't Walter, is it? 

What I posted above regarding one of my old friends sounds similar to your buddy. I didn't really give much thought about getting in touch because I never wanted him to suddenly show up on my doorstep. The fear was that he gets out of prison, has no place to stay & is looking for a place to crash. At the time I had a young child & wasn't going to take a chance that he didn't stop drinking & doing drugs. If he got drunk or high I had no idea what to expect.

Similar thing happened with another friend who drank himself into oblivion. He was a Jekyll & Hyde drunk who started out friendly & laughing, but by a certain number of beers or drinks, & without notice, snapped & will throw punches at someone because he didn't like the way they looked. I did try to reach out to him about a year before he died of throat cancer but never heard back from him. Again it was probably for the best because he was still drinking & using the hole in his neck for his electrolarynx (talk box) to pour booze into. 

[John_Kunkel]

I had a lot of friends before the internet and we never discussed politics. After we all got on the web and had e-mail, many of them were obsessed with sending me memes and links supporting a political bent. I repeatedly responded that I'm apolitical and please stop sending me that stuff...well, predictably, that gave them a mission to make me a convert so they laid it on heavier.

I blocked their e-mail and totally disassociated myself from them...sad, because, other than their obsession with turning every conversation into a political diatribe, they're really great guys.

So, I guess the bottom line is...did you drive them away or did they drive you away? A little introspect goes a long way.

[Kern Dog]

If the "friend" supports or believes in things that are the polar opposite of you, why even remain friends?
That wasn't rhetorical.
Some people evolve or DEvolve over time. I've seen both.
One former friends supports issues that are totally opposite of what I do. We got along fine because he was a car guy and we didn't dwell on politics.
He went down a path of extremely poor decisions despite being surrounded by friends that tried to help. Excessive drinking, driving drunk frequently and eventually he totaled a borrowed car and arrested for DUI, blew through all his money and was borrowing from his son just to get by all the while continuing down a dead end road.
The man is a walking case of "I told you so" and contradicting actions.
Complaining about inflation and high prices but supporting those that caused it.
Bitching about the costs at department stores but oblivious that the elimination of arrests and prosecutions for shoplifting directly led to it.
When he lost his interest in classic cars, there wasn't anything left of social value to the guy. Conversations were strained and boring. An argument about POLITICS did lead to the end but I don't miss him. I miss who he used to be but not the man he became.
In short....
If he didn't screw up his life, we could have remained friends despite opposing political views.
Clearly, I prefer like minded friends. I think that is natural.
I used to be more open minded to listening to alternative viewpoints from the other side. In most cases, it was ME doing MOST of the listening while they ran a freight train of opinions without pausing to actually listen. That isn't right. I still kept trying, even to the point of admitting to some of their criticisms of what I have supported. I hoped that by giving them some concessions that they might take it as ME being reasonable. Instead, they took it as THEM making inroads to converting me while never admitting any possible faults in their own beliefs.
Again, that isn't right.
My mother got remarried to a guy that acted politically neutral but later went left and even further left.
Out of respect for my mother, I tried to give the man respect and listen to his opinions. He either became or always was the classic conversation manipulator that didn't pay attention to anyone else, he just blabbed on and on. His manners only made his political opinions even harder to listen to so eventually, he alienated everyone. Even his own kids didn't want to deal with him.

[John_Kunkel]

If the "friend" supports or believes in things that are the polar opposite of you, why even remain friends?
That wasn't rhetorical.

The point isn't about having friends with polar opposite views, it's about them CONTINUALLY EXPRESSING THOSE VIEWS. If they keep their opinions to themselves and like-minded people, there's no conflict and we can remain friends. Try to understand, DISCUSSION is the operative word, just like people who only want to talk about themselves that started this thread. People who inject their political views into every discussion are equally annoying. Know anybody like that?

[Kern Dog]

 
My expressions online are representative of my true feelings but not how I am all the time. I don't seek out people to push "the word" like an aggressive religious person or newly sober booze addict.
In a rare instance, I do agree with what you wrote, John.
Pushing any agenda beyond a person's comfort level isn't right. I have conservative friends that don't care to hear all the stuff we think and feel about the other side.
I have to unplug from the political meat grinder sometimes just because it does get to be way too much.
If a person has opposing views but does keep them to themselves, it does allow for more harmony if the others don't share his/her views. I've worked with guys that do have strong political opinions but don't speak up about it. I realized how good they were at hiding their opinions when I heard them and was surprised.

[tcs69rt]

His name isn't Walter, is it? 

OLD MOPARZ....no his name is Glenn.

[Kern Dog]

His name isn't Walter, is it? 

OLD MOPARZ....no his name is Glenn.

I'm not sure I get the reference. "Walter White" ?? Breading Bad?
I missed it entirely.

[tcs69rt]

Yeah, I missed that reference too. Still in shock that it all went bad for him...22 yrs in the military and in prison a few years after, ugh. WTF went sideways for him and could I have prevented it had I been in the area?!

His name isn't Walter, is it? 

OLD MOPARZ....no his name is Glenn.

I'm not sure I get the reference. "Walter White" ?? Breading Bad?
I missed it entirely.

[John_Kunkel]

I've worked with guys that do have strong political opinions but don't speak up about it. I realized how good they were at hiding their opinions when I heard them and was surprised.

Reminds me of an anecdote from 1976...I worked in a building that had vending machines scattered in various locations and, right next to our time clock, was a pedestal with two machines right next to each other...one was a peanut dispenser and the other a Ford gumball dispenser. It was near election time and somebody placed a hand-scribed sign above them that said "Choose Wisely". The humor was lost on most.