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New rules for 2006

Started by nh_mopar_fan, February 02, 2006, 12:04:25 PM

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nh_mopar_fan

Comment: The tattoo one is perfect. Nothing screams "open for business" like that lower back tattoo.

NEW RULES for 2006 (George Carlin)
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
> particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
> the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
> you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
> was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
> What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
> blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
> for these
> kids: lucky bastards.
>
> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
> you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
> If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
> About your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
> aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
> taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
> flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
> flavored water.
>
> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
> redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
> is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
> his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
> solved the Social Security crisis.
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass
> hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
> half-low fat,iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
> dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
> huge ass hole.
>
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
> card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
> deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
> kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
> Almond Joy.
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
> doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
> And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
> You're not spiritual. You're just high.
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
> deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
> Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
> too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
> They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
> M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
> old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
> remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
> remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
> is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
> weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
> rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
> for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
>
> New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
> After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
> had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
> there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
> webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
> months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
> And I didn't really care in the first place.
>
>


Charger_Fan


The Aquamax...yes, this bike spent 2 nights underwater one weekend. (Not my doing), but it gained the name, and has since become pseudo-famous. :)

472 R/T SE

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
> particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
> the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.



How true,lol.

ChargerRob

Mighty Mean Mexican Mopar

Khyron

Quote
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
> months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
> And I didn't really care in the first place.


CLASSIC!


Before reading my posts please understand me by clicking
HERE, HERE, AND HERE.

derailed

those are great, Carlins awesome

Brock Samson

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass
> hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
> half-low fat,iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
> dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
> huge ass hole.


  Saw that guy yesterday, gave him a wide berth and figgured him for a assclown...

Telvis

I like the tatoo one...that's just beautiful  :icon_smile_big: