Drunks

[Darkman]

A drunk was staggering home one morning after a huge night at the bar. He came across this creek and noticed 2 men smartly dressed dunking a woman under the water. He staggers over to them and calls out. "what are you guys doing?" One of the men reply, we are doing a baptism". The drunk calls back, "Can I be baptised?" "Sure" was the answer. He wades in and one of the guys begins the baptism. He grabs the drunk and dunks his head under the water, then pulled him out and said, "have you found Jesus?" Shocked at what had just happened, the drunk replied "No". The man grabs him again, dunks his head and holds him under the water a bit longer. He pulled the drunk up and repeated, "have you found Jesus yet?" "Not yet" blabbered the drunk. So the man grabs him again, dunks him under and holds him under until the drunk almost stopped moving. He pulled him up and said again, "have you found Jesus yet?" Gasping for breath, the drunk said "No I haven't....Are you sure this is where he went in?"


A drunk stumbled out of a bar and begins fumbling around his pocket for his keys. He gets his keys out and walks over to the street. His car was gone. He looked around and noticed a police officer walking towards him. He calls out to him and says "Hey officer, my car is gone". The officer comes over and says where did you see it last?" The drunk replies "at the end of my keys". The officer rolled his eyes and just as was about to walk away, he noticed the drunk's manhood hanging out. He turned and said, "by the way, you hanging out of you pants". The drunk looks down and says, "OH crap, my girlfriend's gone too"


It was a rainy night and a husband and wife are fast asleep. 3am and they were woken up by a banging on the door. The husband gets up and puts his robe on and answers the door. A drunk man was standing there dripping wet and asks "can you please give me a push?" The man angrilly replies "NO! It's 3am and it is raining outside" He slammed the door and stormed off to bed. The wife asked, "who was that?" The husband replied, "some drunk wanted a push. I told him NO and sent him on his way". The wife said "that's not very nice. Don't you remember when we were in trouble and we got help from some strangers? I think you should go help him". The husband grunted and went out the door. He couldn't see the guy so he called out "are you still there?" A voice called out "yes I am". "Do you still need a push?" "Yes I do" replied the drunk. "Where are you?" called out the husband...the drunk replied "I'm over here on your swing set!"

[Fred]