help with depression ( my wife).... long story

[djcarguy]

  you know the 1 that brings up and starts the talk of splitting a marriage has allready spent weeks ta years planning and skieming ,,,and shutting down and hardening and blocking thier emosion..  they may weaken and stay awhile when they see how hurt you are ,then they will leave and screw you to the wall while you are still in shock and trying to cope .be prepared every time they are low or in dough of how wise thier decision was,they will call and kiss up oh i made a bad mistake ;;;;;;;;;;;and fubar your life all up.. in a week its i made the right move and screw you all over again.....kick there ass to the curb and protect your self....


    not just bitter,,, but bitter with experiance and years of help..  2 long term gals,4yrs together, and 2 xxwife,1,2yrs  other 9.5 bloody years long with 2 sons.she went for loserr that played co-ed soft ball with her ,,cause they have so much in common,, air between the ears and a softball for hearts....jokes on her he is broke and cannot keep a job,major depth and repoed cars and fight and yell all the time ,,,oh poor bitch..

[djcarguy]

hay i tryed to be nice and hope for the best for ya,,,,,,but get your head out in some frech air and think......
     she has what 1 appointment  and what week or two maybe taking meds and you go and blow $5000.  between turkey day for her screwed up family that hasn't helpped her,,,,the tire hole, oh shes a bartender,,, and are you that young women have been using the other women touched it shiiittt for years.... oh you have to buy new house and clothes and figgin skin and cars because some other women touched it ....what about what touch and poked them?  her parts??

   any more boomes to drop on us??/   was she a stripper in the past too?/?/???   because with them it is all about control and lies  and getting you to buy and spend??when now is time to focus and fix her and you not try to spend and fix with a $4500 momentarey high,wont work..,,,,,,garenttted.

i say stop spending,,,seperate i know it is hard at holidays,each work on grewing up and taking care of self first,,,,,,,,then see if you love each other or having a dependent sad project to fix...if you really want kids find outand learn what they may inherrit,   get her a bus pass ,,no car at bar........ok now go fix ya life..

[Back N Black]

hay i tryed to be nice and hope for the best for ya,,,,,,but get your head out in some frech air and think......
    she has what 1 appointment  and what week or two maybe taking meds and you go and blow $5000.  between turkey day for her screwed up family that hasn't helpped her,,,,the tire hole, oh shes a bartender,,, and are you that young women have been using the other women touched it shiiittt for years.... oh you have to buy new house and clothes and figgin skin and cars because some other women touched it ....what about what touch and poked them?  her parts??

  any more boomes to drop on us??/   was she a stripper in the past too?/?/???   because with them it is all about control and lies  and getting you to buy and spend??when now is time to focus and fix her and you not try to spend and fix with a $4500 momentarey high,wont work..,,,,,,garenttted.

i say stop spending,,,seperate i know it is hard at holidays,each work on grewing up and taking care of self first,,,,,,,,then see if you love each other or having a dependent sad project to fix...if you really want kids find outand learn what they may inherrit,   get her a bus pass ,,no car at bar........ok now go fix ya life..

Have you been drinking or typing with your elbows???

[RECHRGD]

Have you been drinking or typing with your elbows???
[/quote]

  My thoughts exactly!!

[djcarguy]

Have you been drinking or typing with your elbows???

  My thoughts exactly!!
[/quote]

  NO,DRINKING AND IF THATS ALL YOU CAN GET FROM THAT ,SORRY FOR YOU.ANY IDEA WHAT THREAD IS ABOUT. SURE NOT ABOUT GRAMMER AND TYPING AND FEW SMELLING ERRORS,,,SPELLING JUST CHECKING.HAHAHA
   THE YOUNG GUY IS IN A BIG MESS AND BATTLE WITH THE DEPRESSION OF NEW WIFE.NOW HE SPENDS LOTS OF MONEY AND MORE DRAMA WITH CAR AND HER WORK.WELL DAT BEEE AL I GOTS TA SAYS BOUT DAT FUR NAW.

[Back N Black]

     not just bitter,,, but bitter with experiance and years of help..  2 long term gals,4yrs together, and 2 xxwife,1,2yrs  other 9.5 bloody years long with 2 sons.she went for loserr that played co-ed soft ball with her ,,cause they have so much in common,, air between the ears and a softball for hearts....jokes on her he is broke and cannot keep a job,major depth and repoed cars and fight and yell all the time ,,,oh poor bitch..
[/quote]



I read the thread, maybe your not the right guy to give advise??  

[skip68]

Not trying to belittle anyone BUT, don't expect a fairyland life with a bartender/dancer/stripper ect, ect, ect.    Most are not exactly the good foundation for a homemaker/wife.   These are "USUALLY" the kind of women to party with, flirt with and go for a good time.   Not the kind you marry and hope she becomes a soccer mom.   It seems they all have baggage, messed up childhood stories and failed marriages.  That's do to their social life party atmosphere jobs filled with drama.   There's girls you party with and then there's girls you marry.     If you marry the party girl you get the problems that come with it.   Sorry, but as a guy that's basic knowledge.   I still hope the best for you but I have to be honest and you asked.  I think she's looking for a way out and when she says "it's not you it's me" I think you better believe her.  She may be trying to get you to leave her so she doesn't have to hurt you.        

[1970Moparmann]

Not trying to belittle anyone BUT, don't expect a fairyland life with a bartender/dancer/stripper ect, ect, ect.    Most are not exactly the good foundation for a homemaker/wife.   These are "USUALLY" the kind of women to party with, flirt with and go for a good time.   Not the kind you marry and hope she becomes a soccer mom.   It seems they all have baggage, messed up childhood stories and failed marriages.  That's do to their social life party atmosphere jobs filled with drama.   There's girls you party with and then there's girls you marry.     If you marry the party girl you get the problems that come with it.   Sorry, but as a guy that's basic knowledge.   I still hope the best for you but I have to be honest and you asked.  I think she's looking for a way out and when she says "it's not you it's me" I think you better believe her.  She may be trying to get you to leave her so she doesn't have to hurt you.        

Well said.  It's unfortunate yet true. 

[skip68]

Again, sorry Jar.   I'm not trying to be hurtful to you, I'm being blunt.   This is why it's important to know the person you're getting married to. 
My little brother is in a similar boat and I feel bad for him because the rest of his life is going to be filled with drama, custody battles, worry and hurt.  But that's his choice and he should've known that going in.  I feel sorry for the kids mostly.   
ALL I know is what I'm reading here and I think I see the picture correctly.  I have no doubts she is in need of help but I have a feeling she's carrying some guilt inside as well.   Good luck and buckle your seat belt, it's going to be a roller coaster ride.   

[elacruze]

... a big argument that we had. she hated the fact that she was sleeping in a bed that i had been in with other women. and I would not let her bring her bed in for the exact same reasons... 

This sentence speaks volumes. I don't like to get involved in personal dramas, but it's obvious that your mind isn't as open as you think, and surely hers isn't either.

It's a bed, man. Just a bed.

It looks from here like neither of you trusts the other, both want unnecessary control of the other, and you're doomed if you don't let it go.

[jar1292]

hi every one and thanks for your thoughts and you dint have to apologize for being blunt that what this is for to get thoughts from many back grounds. I do have to agree with the fact that you need to know who you marry 100 percent. the job is and or has a factor in the situation no question about it. and she knows this and we have talked about it. she loves her job but she knows that it is not the perfect environment that could lead to problems like this. she wants to find another job but as we all know its tough. and we have talked about it before. she knows it brings on it share of problems and we are both looking for a solution as to a job where she is not in that environment. she used to work at Dillard's that is the town over the hill 30 miles away. she disliked it to an extent and we both hated the hours they gave her and wanted more to help make the bills but they refused. her pay check would come to about 150 a week and at the time we were paying about 50 in fuel costs. and about 25 in day care. (if i remember correctly) it wasn't worth the hassle as she could make the same a mile away from the house and no day care. i was the one who pushed her to quit. she wants to find some thing new to get her out of the bar 4 days of the week. i encourage here in every thing that i can and this is no exception. i only, and will always want the best for her and my step son. it is an up hill battle but we have promised to put our best foot forward into this so we cant look back and think to ourselves that we should have done some thing else. we talked about to each other about her trying to make me break it off! and we both laughed about it that we both know that she is not that kind of girl. she speaks her mind when ever she wants. I know that if she really wanted out she would just come out and say it. she wants this to work out as much as I do. that's the reason that she agreed to therapy she knows some things wrong and instead of hiding it or running from it she wants to fix it. to find out whats wrong. I know that a bed is just a bed and a couch is just a couch. but in the same sense I want a shared thing to. I have everything that she has ever wanted to start with before the marriage. there is nothing of "ours" so to say. I felt the same way. that's the reason we wanted to buy new items. to say that they are "ours". I brought in to this the fully furnished house and property, 3 cars, 2 motorcycles, 2 four wheelers, a side business, a goat herd and a dog. all she had coming into this was bad credit, a broken car, a few odds and ends and a dog. she felt like she was contributing nothing. but what she didn't realize that she brought the most important thing into this, HER and the best little man in the world, our step son. so not giving to the circumstance i done like she has been wanting for a while. some thing to call OURS something that she can feel like she contributed to. she felt like it was just a house to her that every thing was mine. now she has made this into not my house but OUR home. She told me the other night that I had no idea what doing this has meant to her. she didn't come out and say it cuz i know she cant, but for a second i seen the light in her eye again!  its there all we can do is help it grow and shine in here again.  lol i know some of you just rolled your eyes that's mushy! but hey she felt some what normal again! thank you all for your thoughts and prayers its still a gravel road but there has to be pavement at the end, so to say, for smooth cruising. sometimes i need to stop and ask for directions. not just slow down and read the signs to get where i need to be...

[skip68]

One day at a time.   

[Darkman]

You are right about the furniture. This gesture does give her a sense of contribution to the relationship.

Even if a bed is just a bed, this step is a massive one for you to make together. And as you said, it is now "YOUR" bed. Slowly but surely, swap out furniture with stuff you both buy together. This may be a very good step in building a true relationship.

Wish you all the best

[jar1292]

thanks darkman! we are taking steps. I failed to mention that ain't the only thing that we have bought together. as some as you will all know that a divorce can destroy your credit for what she had already built was destroyed by what her previous marriage. let me fill you in on my career. I used to travel working construction as a iron worker. it was a rough life as i only done it for 5 years traveling from city to city I loved it but i hated the fact that as i paid a mortgage back home at 500 a month i was paying 1500 a month in rent away from home. I made the decision to move home. I was offered a job for a multimillion dollar construction company in their field service department 35 miles from home. the kicker on this job was they paid minimum of 100 a day for perdium where i ever only received 40 a day! i got to live at home and yet get to do my traveling 2 weeks out of the month. I loved it!!! that was almost 5 years ago. six months into the job i was offered a supervisor position. that did not go over well with my supervisor. he ended up more or less having a mental break down over what happened and i ended up taking his job. WHOOPS . not that that was a good thing but when i first hired on he seen the potential in me and stated that i might as well take his job over. i really didn't think it would happen that fast. soon i was running the show. about six months ago my back finally said enough. the docs say i have the back of a 75 year old. I'm only 27.  when I got married i realized that i have some thing to live for more than making bills. I wanted to move up to where I'm not breathing the everyday welding smoke as i have since i was 16. my boss has been their for 15 years and has also realized that he wont be there forever and is over loaded to the point that his health has reflected it. out of hundreds employees that are well educated he came to the decision that i am the one that would keep the field service division pumping. thus he is now grooming me for the project manager position that he has held for so long. I know I'm not taking his place as i don't don't want to. there is way to much money to be made out in the field still. but i am getting the computer skills and knowledge that i need with out going to the college. enough about the career. I was given the opportunity to manage a year project for Kennecott Copper Mine some of you know them as Rio Tinto. a 15 million dollar project. the mine is located about 2.5 hours away from home. working six days a week 12 hours or longer my wife and i decided to buy a fifth wheel trailer as I would stay in it for the duration saving roughly 20 grand in hotel expenses. and she would come stay with me 3-4 days out of the week and our step son when he is not with his father. we wanted to make the best of the situation as it opened a big door for us in the future with the company. we bought the trailer with cash and with her credit as it was, we done a personal loan in her name to help build it up, we dumped her loan into a separate account and make the monthly payments plus a bit. with six month early pay off penalty we hold that money and pay enough that we meet the six month minimum loan but will pay it off in eight. we covered all our bases. when i was fourteen my father started me making purchases with loans to build my credit. that is how i have a lot of what i have today, strong work ethics and a good sense of how credit and money can and will give you the advantage in giving you what you desire in life. as i said we bought the trailer with a personal loan in her name. we turned our phone bills in her name so there is a good monthly payment standing record and she still has her car payment in her name. that's a great start for her credit to get a good foundation on. so we already have made a big purchase with the trailer together but she duz not see it that way. she views it as its still mine as i will live in it. this bed room set and furniture is just another step for her to claim that she has an ownership in this relationship. and i think that is what she desires. she has always been dependent upon herself and will not let any one help her yet knows that a healthy relationship takes 2 and wants to contribute her part into it.

[jar1292]

WOW after reading that back that was kind of sounding like i was just talking about me. I guess who i am and what i do has a big contribution to the relationship, but i dont wanna stray away from the first question that i had and that is, how i can help my wife get through this rough time that she is battling....

[Highbanked Hauler]

You might have said but I missed it, How old are the two of you ? Early 20S you are going to have a different view than early 40S?

[jar1292]

Banker I am 27 years of old age and she is 22. I have seen a lot more and experienced more in life then she has. She is still learning a lot. As I am too but i think that we are in the same situation as of I have experienced a few things that she has not and she has experienced some thing that I have not. we are doing great as of right now. I have come to the realization that I also need some therapy help too.  I'm not perfect and it seems that I expect to make the world perfect around me. no matter how hard I try there is always some problem that rises. that is my down fall I always expect the perfect world around me and when its not I try in vain to correct it. Thus leaving me for an automatic down fall and disappointment. thats my problem that I need to work out. I cant make every thing a fairy tale come true. we have talked about my problem that i have and are working through it too... life is good right now this is getting worked out, and all your thoughts are welcome and thought through. we actually read through this the other night together, all the posts. She appreciates all the thoughts and suggestions that you guys have. we are both trying every thing that we can to resolve the negative feelings towards each other... Thanks again guys...

[elacruze]

The Pursuit of Perfection. I know it well.

My younger life was shackled by the same trouble; nobody ever pointed out that it was a fool's dream.
I started stopping in my mid-30s, and still struggle a little sometimes. I hate entropy.

Look up 'Radical Acceptance' and apply it to your world. Stir in some Tao and you'll be good to go.

[resq302]

Yup, been there too myself with the Pursuit of Perfection.  I thought that I had to be perfect with everything I did with my car trying to restore it back to a factory appearance....... then I saw an unrestored car that had factory paint and stuff.  Boy did I have my standards set WAY too high for the factory.     I used to be that way with everything I did.  Strive for perfection.  I ended up driving myself crazy (and here I thought it was Mopar-itis).  Now I just don't give a damn about everything.  What happens, happens and stuff that does not go according to plan just gets carefully re-evaluated after a deep breath.  I got myself too stressed out sweating the small things in life.  I find I have a lot less stress if I just don't give a damn.