help with depression ( my wife).... long story

jar1292 · November 20, 2011, 10:00:05 PM

Hi guys first off let me say sorry for spelling or other bad grammar i have way to much jumbled in my head to think strait. and if it dont make any sense i apologize...

I dont even know where to start. Im here reaching out because i dint know where to turn and you all have good advice. Even you bull!!! First off let me start with, we were married six months ago. she was married before and i have not been. We both are very open to each other and we both wanted to do marriage counseling after we were married. I wanted to go because it could help me understand what goes on in a marriage and to be a better father to our 4 year old. (her previous marriage). And she wanted to go because she has/had thought that her first marriage failed because she did not do what he wanted all the time. it was an abusive and total one sided relationship. she tried so hard to to have him love her but he decided that other women were better than her. So they parted and i ended up meeting the love of my life! when we decided that we wanted to get married as i said before we were gunna do counseling together to make us more aware of day to day problems. although we lived together for the last nine months before. Upon further research with my insurance they would not cover marriage counseling. we decided to put it off. she has fought depression since she can remember but coming from a broken home in the first place and many childhood problems she has only received minimal help. She has migraines to the point that she has seizures where i take her to the ER to get migraine cocktails, this will happen once about every five months. On her last visit to the doctor he put her on mandatory therapy with this new depression medicine that he prescribed. but she refuses to go. when she was pregnant there was a therapist that checked her into the loony bin. She completely refuses to go now in fear. Over the last four months she has gone down hill. She kept on asking me for my approval to separate. I would listen but instead of saying yes i would give alternate suggestions to a separation. Over the last two weeks it came the point that last monday she decided that she needs to stay some place else. I for one am having a real hard time with it and cant keep focused when im home but this aint about me. We still talk as she is usualy at our house when i get home from work, then i will leave so she is not stressed untill she leaves for the night. When we do talk it is chit chat and some times it is not good in the end. She thinks she is destroying my life. We do have an appointment with a therapist on tuesday but she said that i can not come. where do I go from here. how can i help her and myself. I know it wont be easy and there is a long road ahead. Ive been researching info but i really dont know where to start. As i have read, depression effects a lot of the population, but i for one have not personally seen it up close and personal. There is a lot of info that i am leaving out, I could go on and on about what is happening. I know that there are some of you that have dealt with it up close. I dont wanna drag up bad memories but any first hand experience would really really help my understanding of her and possibly save a marriage if not more. Any questions that you would have for me ask and i will tell you how it is. Thanks to all that have read this novel and thank you so much before hand to all that can give me some advice...

bull · November 20, 2011, 10:16:29 PM

Even me?

The first thing I'd say is this might not be a good place to get advice on such a thing. But I will say this, even though insurance doesn't cover counseling I bet it's a far sight cheaper than a divorce. I'd pay to get her to a counselor who can perscribe some anti-depressant drugs.

Also, based on what you're saying, I have a hard time believing it was all the previous spouses fault that they got divorced if she was acting then like she is now. Maybe the guy was an a-hole but it sounds as if she had some hand in the demise of the marriage.

Chryco Psycho · November 20, 2011, 10:21:12 PM

Welbutrin has worked better than anything for me

1970Moparmann · November 20, 2011, 10:34:58 PM

Sorry to hear your going through this.

If insurance isn't covering anything, this will mean that you may have to search for other sources of help. Try a local church or talk to one of her friends.

I would suggest finding a "good" therapist and pursue a recovery process. If she is clinically diagnosed with depression, med's may be the best solution. She also will need to communicate her thoughts and feelings, which a therapist will help with exercises for this. If she is requesting that you don't go the first time, respect this decision, and call the therapist after to see what you can do. It may mean that you go for an appointment by your self maybe without your wife knowing, but he/she can give you some suggestions on how to help your wife.

Good luck.

jar1292 · November 20, 2011, 11:02:15 PM

I know bull i was hoping you would chime in! the ex lives down the road from us and i have talked to him in the past. He says the same thing as her that it was his fault and that she is/was the best there is. he suffers from bi-polar and knows that it was his fault 100% that his actions are what tied the knot in the divorce and wants the best for us. She knows that she has problems and i knew of it when i said I DO, we knew that we were gunna have problems to come, we promised to work them out. I agree that money is nothing when it comes to fixing it before a divorce as far as she is concerned she grew up with nothing and wants nothing from me or any body for that fact. she is very self dependent... I am well off so to say with my employment and assests and thats why she wanted and to, and did, do a pre-nup before hand to simply put out there that she expects nothing. she still wants to be my entire life but feels that she can not "love" me as much as i do her.As we talked last night she knows she is my everything, i bend over back words for her and her feeling towords me is the same but she can not show it cuz she is scared. nothing has ever been good for her in the past and she admits that she is just waiting for this to turn bad just for the fact that she has nothing good besides her son in her life actualy turn good and never go bad. So i know she is looking for the bad in this relationship to re-asure here for everything that she has ever known... complete disaster. she agrees with me when i asked her about it. she wont agree with me but i know that is what she is doing. she cant except the fact that she has what she deserves after 22 years of life kicking her down. its out of her relm to think that she might actually live a normal productive life. we both know that this is hard and therapy will help... ( i hope so any way) as i never have dealt with it before. you say that this may not be the place to ask for help as it is a car place but it is the perfect place in my opinion to talk to anybody that has dealt with this in the past. and god forbid right now! as some of you know I log here every day my car aint seeing much improvement but i log in to see what everybody is up to in there day to day life. this i think is my best place to get solid real life experience with this. you guys tell it how it is. I have to laugh at the gowdy threads and the richard aka -Dick Head- threads! I love how the "Skips" throw it out there. everybody can help me in one way or another! and CHRYCO i cant spell what she is on right now but im not sure if its really helping in the long run. that will be for the head doctor to decide. i for one hope its just the meds. we had her on a birth control that threw here through a loop like the world was coming to an and. she stoped that about three months ago as we both wanna have a baby together before this shit hit the fan. just so you dont have to wonder she is not pregnant...

jar1292 · November 20, 2011, 11:12:27 PM

moparmann i filled my boss in the other day on the situation as i just took on a year job working out of town. he went through this 2 years ago as his wife of 20 years as she was stepping out on him. he wants absolutly the best for me and wants me to cut back on my work load. but i think it may be the only thing keeping me sane. to keep my mind stressed on work and not think about home. but in the same sense he will to sign all the paper work to get me all the financial help and time off that i will need from work. our company was family made and is completly family oriented to no extent (mormons) lol. they are willing to give me any thing that i need to get this worked out. all i have to do is ask. thats the hard part i was not raised to ask for help i had any thing i needed with in my family growing up and to ask for help now is very hard but im willing to do any thing at this point...

skip68 · November 20, 2011, 11:44:01 PM

Wow! I wish I could give you good advice but I think the best has been said. Get her to go to a counselor or therapist and let her go at it alone the first time or until your presence is requested. I have to ask, does she ever get violent? It's great to come here and talk and get support and ideas, but your best bet is getting her to talk with a qualified therapist. We wish you all the best in helping her become healthy and saving your marriage. Be as patient as you can be until you find out what's going on with her. Good luck and keep us posted.

Chuck .......

skip68 · November 21, 2011, 12:02:07 AM

I agree with my husband to a point. I think YOU need to speak to the therapist on monday! (& a meeting after your wifes appt.) That way the dr has a idea of whats going on. This has to be so overwelming, but you must take care of yourself first!!!!! We are here, and will help the best we can!

Mrs.skip68

resq302 · November 21, 2011, 01:30:38 AM

I agree. My wife and I went through a conselor due to some marriage problems but we managed to get through it. The conselor ended up seeing us individually for a couple sessions and then together as the sessions progressed.

This place is a good place to vent or at least I feel it is for me. Even if it is or isn't car related, this place is more or less an extended family.

twodko · November 21, 2011, 12:16:31 PM

Just my opinion here but when someones been kicked to the gutter early in life it's a very tall order for them to have any remaining self esteem, confidence or sense of self worth. You are already working with the best marriage tools there are - listen, laugh and love. The members have offered solid advice especially Mrs. Skip IMO. You must keep yourself sane not only for yourself but for the child and the Mrs.. You're providing a stable foundation for your life together. Def go to therapy individually then together if this works for both of you. She might not be capable of sharing her deepest horrors with you just yet. Depression/bipolar disorders are the bane of many.
While many here consider me to be a rock of stability (

) after almost forty years it turned out I am bipolar. Who freakin' knew a Mopar guy could be twisted like that?

Like many people the usual causes, broken home, military stress, job pressure yada yada yada bring it on before ya know it.. Sawbones put me on Cymbalta and Lamictal. In many cases emotional upheaval can be attributed to a serotonin imbalance hence the Lamictal. Please look into both of these meds. Therapy, the right meds and your continued practice of the 3 L's will see you both through this in fine shape. You'll both be back in action soon.......I insist or we'll send Bull to your house to
chew on both of yas.

Ponch ® · November 21, 2011, 12:34:06 PM

Sucks to hear you're going through this. Wish I could offer better advise than what's already been said (try your church with help re: marriage counseling). May be a good idea to take advantage of being separated to try to work out some of your issues individually first. As far as her depression issues, I'm in no way qualified to opine on that subject, but I hope she finds the sort of help/support she needs.

ACUDANUT · November 21, 2011, 12:34:58 PM

Using a "counselor ", did not help us. If a Woman wants out, there is no hope. Keep your head up and move on.

djcarguy · November 21, 2011, 12:59:55 PM

i agree with both skips and others here. protect your self and kid and help her ,but she has to help and take care of her own life and without help and meds your in for years on the worst roller coaster ride of ups and crashes. you sound like a very caring guy ,,,,but you cannot fix her alone with love or anything ,,,,she needs help,any talk of suiside or anger to hurt you or kid?

??

i have depression and stress and social adjustment disorders and 15 years of meds and help. married 2 great loving gals but they could not deal with it or fix me and both left 1, 2 yrs no kids and 1 with my 2 sons stayed 9 yrs...and took my kids to be with new guy she picked in addvance.. thats,12 yrs ago hole other mess,still alive?

what iam saying is help and encourage her, but protect you and kid and do not have more kids,some of this is gennetick,and mine is bad child hood and head injuries to brain .. you can PM me i can help as to her side or views maybe...iam 52 and treated 15 yrs... very sorry you 2 and kid are in this .is it your kid or her xxx???

take care and god bless ask for help ...later dj in oregon

jar1292 · November 21, 2011, 10:27:49 PM

thanksguys I really didn't expect all the positive support this early but wow you guys really brought a smile to my face! sorry cuda for your loss but at least you tried and that is what I want to do. we all do not know the outcome but if i put the best foot forward then there is no second guessing. to the skips I'm glad that you both are here with me you both have positive advice and with you two i can get a woman's view with the mans! She will see her therapist tamarrow at noon. I really am happy tonight that we are this close to getting this started on the right path to help. i agree with Mrs skip I will have her request that i get a turn on talking. no she is not violent but i will say right now i would not want her to get a hold of me in a bad way! she can get a little rough when she wants to! we will see what will happen in the future. DJ she douse not talk about suicide or hurting our little one. HE is the only thing that was good out of her previous marriage. yet she duz say that if it wasnt for him that she might have hurt herself a long time ago but she duz not feel that way now. DJ from your experience you may be a close perspective in this as we get deeper into it and that i may not wanna ask some questions to the general public. as i have already had a lot of people read this i dint wanna put every thing out there as this is really personal in many ways. if any body that wants to know great detail as what is going on cuz they have dealt with it and can honestly help the situation PM me and I can fill you in I thank you for all that you guys have contributed to this thread i will keep posted on the saga as you are the the extended family that i have come to love since i found you in 08! and to you Bull this is going in capital....THANKS TO ALL HERE!!!

skip68 · November 21, 2011, 11:07:41 PM

Well, when all else fails there's always duct tape. I've been married for 16 years (I think) and when Lisa gets out of line I duct tape her to the floor.

Good luck.

bull · November 22, 2011, 02:37:04 AM

Quote from: skip68 on November 21, 2011, 11:07:41 PM
Well, when all else fails there's always duct tape. I've been married for 16 years (I think) and when Lisa gets out of line I duct tape her to the floor.
Good luck.

Please make a video of that and put it on youtube next time.

Mike DC · November 22, 2011, 05:50:14 AM

I've got depression deep in my bones. It goes all the way back to childhood. Heredity + environment can do a helluva thorough job.

I'm going to say some pretty outside-the-box stuff here. Bear with me, I'm not saying this necessarily applies to your wife but it might:

The thing about being depressed and/or living in chaos for decades is that the person's brain chemistry is usually no longer the same. It's not just the fact that they might need pharmaceutical help to be less depressed. It's beyond that.

The issue is that when good/safe things happen to them, it may not give them good/safe feelings like it should anymore. Instead it makes them feel like something is deeply wrong and they can't trust it. They don't feel "right" anymore because "right" is what they are used to, no matter how bad that might be. After a certain point people's emotions are so used to trouble that they cannot trust a lack of trouble anymore. So the problem they have when things get better is that it actually gets to be counterproductive. Goodness can be flooding into their lives and it makes them feel MORE conflicted and alone instead of less. When things get too much better too fast, it is literally destroying their emotional world as they know it.

You, the outsider, understand that their old emotional world is a terrible place and they should be happy to leave it for a new one. But emotions don't listen to reason, they just feel. The person feels the loss of the world as they understand it to be and that feels VERY wrong. It feels unsafe. It feels like they are being taken to a foreign place. A place where people will not understand them, what they have been through. A place they will never belong.

What I am saying to you is this – I wonder if maybe your wife could benefit from a gradual adjustment. I don't know any really good ways to do it except to make the transition as smooth as you can. If she isn't reacting well to improvements in her life then don't keep trying to convince her that things are getting so much better. Don't assault her with too much happiness too fast. Let her experience the better life herself and let HER come to the conclusion that things are so much better. She needs to trust it all to be real and lasting. She needs to feel like there isn't some "other shoe" about to drop and yank it all away somehow. It took many years for her to get to her lowest point; it's not surprising that it may take a few more years to pull out of it. People coping with severe chronic problems have to rebuild their psyche around coping with the problems. That defensive psyche can be pretty unsuited to living in a world where things are better.

It's always dangerous to take a total stranger's advice on this stuff, especially when their advice is far outside of the norm. Take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. It's something to consider but I may be totally off the mark. I'm just trying to throw some kind of alternate advice into the conversation besides the standard "get her medication and counseling". Getting M & C is good advice but you already knew that.

---------------------------------------------------

Drugs:

When it comes to anti-depressants, there are a few different basic families of drugs, and a lot of variations on each one of them. If you want to go this route, then I think you and your wife should try to learn something about the drugs yourselves and contribute to trying to find her a good one. Often times a whole family of drugs will all be prone to the same side effect or be working with the same primary mode of action. My point is that if this is the case, and the drug isn't helping your wife because of something they all share, then you don't need to spend a year (not to mention a couple thousand bucks worth of pills & appointments) systematically going through all the variations of that drug family. Encourage her to keep talking to the doc as she tries different drugs and try to narrow down what drugs may really help her and what won't.

Good luck with everything.

djcarguy · November 22, 2011, 10:28:38 AM

agree with mike above.no easy quick fix to this mental and brain stuff. lots of guessing with meds and side effects.somethings help and wife sees results in area she wants,but side effect ruin your sex life from the guy side and so say he stopps taking it for summer or vacation time and 3-4 week later your back to square one. and it never helps to say ooh it was a long time ago ,,forget about it,or just move on..... the old top your horror story with thiers to show you they had it bad and made it thru just fine ...........xx aways said long time ago lest your moms alive,,get over it...................but her mom loved her and died from cancer, not years and years of and live on to remind stir up past..............................sorry i tryied to make a idea and hope ya get the idea,,brain jumped the track ,and faded out..............................
take care ,,god bless ,later

djcarguy · November 22, 2011, 11:20:00 AM

Quote from: skip68 on November 21, 2011, 11:07:41 PM
Well, when all else fails there's always duct tape. I've been married for 16 years (I think) and when Lisa gets out of line I duct tape her to the floor.
Good luck.

well iam sure you are kidding and ajoke to lighten the topic,,,,i did laugh but in real case if she or any one is in a mental or manic state thier power and fight or flight power is multi time more than good day kidding around power,,,,watch out,take care and protect the child first ,they grow up seeing all this choas and it does stay in the little brains...take care

Old Moparz · November 22, 2011, 11:54:43 AM

Mike DC made some excellent points regarding that what may seem like total chaos to an outsider, appears "normal" to the person having problems because they are used to it. My wife's parents were alcoholics & it didn't contribute to a positive childhood or healthy relationships when she became an adult. She knew she didn't like how her parents were, but she ended up marrying an alcoholic, her 1st husband. There were also minor issues in the beginning of our relationship with trust. She was used to playing the "cop" & wanting to know what I was up to & not disappearing with friends to go binge drinking for several days.

The way of life she was familiar with as a kid was chaotic. It forced her to be independent & become the type that "fixes" things for others, also known as "enabling" them. (an ALANON term we learned) Alcoholism, or a family member dealing with an alcoholic, may not be the same as depression & mental illness & having to deal with them, but I'd bet that there are similar methods for understanding the other person. Therapy can help both of you & I hope it works out for you.

As a side note, if she is seeing a therapist & not a marriage councilor, the therapist may not be allowed to see or talk to you about the issue. It's part of that patient & doctor privacy thing, as well as to avoid a conflict of interests in solving the problem. It could be very different with a marriage councilor depending on their credentials.

twodko · November 22, 2011, 12:41:01 PM

Quote from: skip68 on November 21, 2011, 11:07:41 PM
Well, when all else fails there's always duct tape. I've been married for 16 years (I think) and when Lisa gets out of line I duct tape her to the floor.
Good luck.

Kinky.......I like it Skipper!

nvrbdn · November 22, 2011, 12:44:37 PM

im wondering if the tape damages the floor??? is this a hardwood floor, or do you tape her down on tile?

kitchen, bathroom, etc....... just not enough info skip

photos would help alot also.

Chryco Psycho · November 22, 2011, 01:46:30 PM

Most Churches / Pastors do marriage conselling before marriage & will offer counselling before or after & generally at reasonable cost if any .
Mike DC is on the right track ,there is truth in what he is saying because I am there as well , for some reason we seem to distrust people who try to get close & push away good things & people & distroy thongs around us .

nvrbdn · November 22, 2011, 02:26:00 PM

i agree, the church is the first place to start. they will help with family counciling and individual also. or if its above their abilities, they can help point you in the right direction.

RallyeMike · November 22, 2011, 10:46:56 PM

Quotei agree, the church is the first place to start.

No. Not to start with.

Depression is very serious and it's nothing for an amateur to deal with. Before you put any faith in that, ask them what their credentials are for the counseling and treatment of people with depression. Then go find someone with some credentials in the science in the treatment of depression. If you need more help beyond that, use the church counseling as a secondary measure.

nvrbdn · November 22, 2011, 11:05:52 PM

the reason i am agreeing with the church angle is because she has been refusing to go. she has an appointment, but will it be made,and he isnt invited. if the problem is with talking to strangers and she attends a church it would be having a discussion with someone she trusts that can guide her in the direction she needs to go. that could be the shove she needs to get help before it gets worse.

im not looking at the church as a healer.

jar1292 · November 23, 2011, 12:21:52 AM

Hi every body you all have great things to say and i am very open minded. she did go to therapy today and she even made an appointment for me ask i asked her to. it is on the 7th! we went to town today and spent about three hours shopping for Thanksgiving as we are having it it at our house with here dysfunctional family! it ought to keep us entertained as we both like to joke about them. after we got home tonight where we could talk we had a really good talk on things and how the session went. we both want the best to come out of this and we both know it will take time. we talked about her meds and she cant remember when she quit taking them. i asked if she would start and she humed and hawed. she has been on many different types and they all turn her into a zombie and she hates that feeling almost as how much as she hates feeling like this. she has no motivation to do any thing or intrest in anything right now and i see it. we know that the proper meds will help her over come this but she has no will power to even take them. i cant force feed her that would be wrong. I want a second opinion from another doctor, as i see it her normal doc is giving her meds that work for most of his clients and may not be as open minded to subscribe some thing that may work in her situation. a second opinion may really open the door to some thing new. thats just my two cents. and she said she will think about it. the med that she is prescribed right now is Zoloft and she quit taking them before she she really could see any change. i know that is not good but again i cant force her and would like a second opinion on the matter. I know that meds cant fix her all the way but it can get us on a start to recovery. we are going day by day and as of right now its not going down hill so its good. time will tell. she wrote ten things thats positive about staying married and ten things positive about being single. she suggested that i can read it if i would like to. I really want to and i told her so but i refused as to the fact that i dont wanna know the positive things to being single. I know that i will have to make the same list and i may not really want her to read it so i didnt read hers! its scary to know that she thinks there are positive thing about being single. yet we all know that there are. in a guys world and a girls world. but we made vows to each other and as we all may think of other things from time to time there just thoughts not actions. im feeling good tonight as there were some positives and negatives that came from her first session, as there will be positives and negatives to my session. but in over all it was a good thing that we started this today.

skip68 · November 23, 2011, 01:06:28 AM

Very happy to hear she went to the appt, and you both "talked" afterword. Sometimes couples just get caught up in the day to day rituals, like kids, work, friends/& family members problems, etc, that we forget to TALK!!!! $:-\$ Im always in agreement in second opions if you have ANY doubt in the doctor! Keep being strong, and again take care of yourself! Oh, and take vitamins, when your body gets stressed you can get pretty sick. Wishing the best for all three of you!

Mrs.skip68

jar1292 · November 23, 2011, 01:32:16 AM

ha yea Mrs.skip a second opinion is what a want we live in a very tight community being utah and all, and we all know that the "local" doctors have there way of doing things. much to the point that I dont see a Local. Yet i am partial to my family doctor as he is very good he saved my dads life 3 times in his life with heart attacks and a stroke. yet that just may be me! but Tracy really likes him too. compared to her doctor as he know more about her. (six years for her doc to my doc knowing her 1 year) so we will see. dont get me wrong her doc is good but I know that he gets in his way or now way from past community chit chat. Talking right now is good and it can only get better as i can meet with the therapist and we both read on the same page of the book so to say. I have high expectations and want to see results right away (i have no patience in any thing around me) but i know that it will take time and this may be the hardest thing i will have to do is keep my loud mouth shut and let time take its course and not try to fix things my self! thats why my car is taking so long im at a dead end with time and yet will not let anybody else touch it.... patience is a virtue!!! if any body has any extra patience hanging around let me know i could use some... oh by the way Mrs. skip do you pull the duct tape off fast like a band-aid or do you have to do it slow? the pain must make you think about minding your self!!! all jokes aside a really appreciate a womans opinion in this matter. thank you thank you it really means some thing to me. when i logged about today i was hoping you were gunna read it and to comfort you as I know that you care in that knowing today went as good as i needed it to. your thoughts are warming.

Darkman · November 23, 2011, 01:41:47 AM

It is good to read that things are on track.

Don't worry too much on the list thing. It is good that you both make the list and discuss those items as a couple. Remember one thing, these lists can change just as quickly as they are written.

The key point here is there is a child involved, so that has a massive impact on her "single" list as she would have include the child. That is not easy when there is noone to help. Write out the lists, who knows you may not even have 10 good things about being single (just make sure they are realistic and sensible).

You still can have your own "single" time whilst being married (ie let your wife have regular girls nights out). My wife and I do it, she has a minimum of 1 night a month where she goes out with her girlfriends and I look after the kids. After 11 years of marriage it works (believe me, when she comes home from her night out, it is almost like we are newly weds again!), and I get my "Charger" time. It is all about trust, faith and communication

skip68 · November 23, 2011, 02:08:25 AM

Jar1292, nope no duct tape on me! I'm the one packing heat!!!!!

Mrs.skip68

Tilar · November 23, 2011, 04:58:34 AM

Wow, Mike DC brought up a side of this that I would have never imagined.

I hope everything works out for you... but I cringe everytime I hear of someone taking Zoloft. A really good friend of mine went on that stuff and he started talking suicide shortly after that. I convinced him to tell his doctor and he took him off of it.

I also have an uncle that was on it for a while. He generally has a very easy going personality, but when he started taking that he turned into a real asshole which was way out of the norm for him. He and I almost got into a fight once over something stupid while he was on it too. I'm thankful that both of them got off that stuff.

skip68 · November 23, 2011, 07:37:24 AM

I hope I'm wrong but it sounds like she might be looking for a way out. Single mom's sometimes get married for the wrong reasons. Just tossing it out there.

mikepmcs · November 23, 2011, 07:42:00 AM

Quote from: skip68 on November 23, 2011, 07:37:24 AM
I hope I'm wrong but it sounds like she might be looking for a way out. Single mom's sometimes get married for the wrong reasons. Just tossing it out there.

+1.
No way to sugar coat it.

Tilar · November 23, 2011, 08:20:30 AM

Quote from: skip68 on November 23, 2011, 07:37:24 AM
Single mom's sometimes get married for the wrong reasons. Just tossing it out there.

I know that song well.

Highbanked Hauler · November 23, 2011, 09:51:56 PM

This is over simplifying the situation but could it have been something traumatic, PTSD that happened to her when she was young and it is working its way out now and doing so it has come out as depression. That is happening to my wife. We have been married 37 years and I only recently got a hint that she was molested as a kid. She won't tell a doctor or me or anyone what happened and she won't let it go either. She doesn't know how to NOT carry the grief of what happened..

jar1292 · November 23, 2011, 10:09:15 PM

unfortunately yes she was when she was young. i dont ever ask things as i dont wanna bring a thing like that up but we have talked about it in the past... today has been really low for both of us. she has a really bad cold as that i can barely understand her on the phone. i called her a few times to check on her and it sounded like it was getting worse as the night went on. tomarrow is gunna be a real some thing, as her family is coming over for the festivities! we are gunna be together all day acting like nothing is happening.... im not sure how its gunna go.

skip68 · November 23, 2011, 11:01:18 PM

Hope the day turns out positive and enjoyable! We always have everyone say at least on thing we are greatfull for. Im sure you can come up with something to say that makes her smile!

Keep us posted, and try to have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Mrs.skip68

carsnguitars · November 23, 2011, 11:36:11 PM

Hope all turns out well. Seek professional help, it does make a difference.
I will say a prayer for you & your family!

Silver R/T · November 24, 2011, 03:21:18 PM

Be careful with anti-depressant drugs. If you read labels most of them list side effects, one of them is thoughts of suicide.
Everyone experiences depression one way or another, some more often that others. It's just a matter how you're dealing with it. Maybe take a break from work or whichever daily routine you're doing and take a vacation, doesn't have to be fancy. Maybe go visit relatives in other state or go camping, etc. Find some kind of hobby to keep you occupied.
Doctors don't care, they get paid to sell you drugs. They could care less if someone takes their own life or gets kidney damage or some other form of internal organ damage.

resq302 · November 24, 2011, 03:33:35 PM

Quote from: Silver R/T on November 24, 2011, 03:21:18 PM
Be careful with anti-depressant drugs. If you read labels most of them list side effects, one of them is thoughts of suicide.
Everyone experiences depression one way or another, some more often that others. It's just a matter how you're dealing with it. Maybe take a break from work or whichever daily routine you're doing and take a vacation, doesn't have to be fancy. Maybe go visit relatives in other state or go camping, etc. Find some kind of hobby to keep you occupied.
Doctors don't care, they get paid to sell you drugs. They could care less if someone takes their own life or gets kidney damage or some other form of internal organ damage.

I kinda have to agree with that one about the doctors not caring. My dad was to a doctor for cholesterol and was prescribed meds and was on them and didn't seem to be working so the dr. prescribed something else and never told him to stop taking the first one. He started feeling groggy and such and had over an hour commute to work each way. It got so bad that he was starting to doze off driving. Turns out the second med was reacting with the first one causing a drop in heart rate which was making him feel tired. If he didn't go back to his primary doctor he had seen before, he could have died or worse killed someone else when he was driving.

Doctors are just a "practice". They practice on you till they get it right. Hence.... practice makes perfect.

Silver R/T · November 24, 2011, 03:54:36 PM

djcarguy · November 24, 2011, 04:42:36 PM

Quote from: resq302 on November 24, 2011, 03:33:35 PM
Quote from: Silver R/T on November 24, 2011, 03:21:18 PM
Be careful with anti-depressant drugs. If you read labels most of them list side effects, one of them is thoughts of suicide.
Everyone experiences depression one way or another, some more often that others. It's just a matter how you're dealing with it. Maybe take a break from work or whichever daily routine you're doing and take a vacation, doesn't have to be fancy. Maybe go visit relatives in other state or go camping, etc. Find some kind of hobby to keep you occupied.
Doctors don't care, they get paid to sell you drugs. They could care less if someone takes their own life or gets kidney damage or some other form of internal organ damage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
way off suiside is in the mind allready,alot of the time we know to hide it or get locked up|||||| some simple bad advice .,,,, you can not take a vacation or hobby you self out of cronic repeat depression......yes have to ask doc and stop old meds slowly and work way up on new meds.....and doctors care and want you alive,more money to make off ya,,,,silver your advice is dangers to people with bad depression and that NEED MEDS AND HELP,,,,DJ ??
I kinda have to agree with that one about the doctors not caring. My dad was to a doctor for cholesterol and was prescribed meds and was on them and didn't seem to be working so the dr. prescribed something else and never told him to stop taking the first one. He started feeling groggy and such and had over an hour commute to work each way. It got so bad that he was starting to doze off driving. Turns out the second med was reacting with the first one causing a drop in heart rate which was making him feel tired. If he didn't go back to his primary doctor he had seen before, he could have died or worse killed someone else when he was driving.

Doctors are just a "practice". They practice on you till they get it right. Hence.... practice makes perfect.

nvrbdn · November 24, 2011, 05:02:41 PM

the problem with depression is it comes in different degrees for each person it affects. so people arent going to react to the same treatment. what works for one might not work for another. just a real touchy subject for a bunch of car lovin mopar freaks without a degree in mental health to decipher. but one thing is for sure,the ones of us that believe in god will pray for you, and the ones of us that dont believe will feel the pain with you and be by your side. we are all a family beyond our beliefs and are here to listen and aid where we can. good luck my friend. you are in my thoughts.

Chryco Psycho · November 24, 2011, 08:31:21 PM

Zoloft was horrible

Highbanked Hauler · November 24, 2011, 10:26:44 PM

Quote from: Chryco Psycho on November 24, 2011, 08:31:21 PM
Zoloft was horrible

got that right

jar1292 · November 27, 2011, 04:16:59 AM

hi every one! wow have I been busy with the the local drama... my tire got slashed on my 300 the other night at the bar cuz of whats going on... 240 dollar tire that i bought two weeks ago... and no warranty wont cover.

we are working some stuff out. she is in bed right now and I'm out on the couch. I'm very glad that she has decided to sleep here. it has been an eventful weekend. her entire family came over to our house and it was a very nice thanksgiving! I loved it! I think we made progress this weekend. there has been a lot of rummer running around town and I think the shit has just started to hit the fan. this town that likes to spread rummers about her did not take into thought that my wife is the local bartender and knows EVERYTHING about almost anybody. It turned out that i received a phone call the other night that I needed to go to the bar, that my wife was there with some one else... I guess the thought of madness was that they needed her to stay there until i got there and catch her in the act. thus slashing a tire. there are allot of details in there that I left out but that's the jist of the tire story... Black friday came and went. as we were getting ready for bed after the big feast a cabala's commercial came on and she jokingly said lets go! the first 800 people get a free gift. not thinking i said hell yea lets be adventurous

we woke up our little one and took him to grandmas to stay and off we went. two hour drive and we pull in. there is a line but not big. so I grab a blanket and pillow as my plan was to sleep in the truck. WRONG she said if we come all this way she is going to get that free gift. so off we go four blankets pillows and 1 sleeping bag.
we got in line at 11:00 PM the doors don't open till 5:00 AM so we had six hours of being cold and miserable. about 4:30 they start handing out envelopes it was our free gift! wahoo OMG we stood in line for a ten dollar gift certificate. you should have heard some of the others in line my cussing was not bad at all! after we entered we poked around and found some things that we wanted. we had a budget of 800 dollars as that was how much my thanksgiving bonus was. we had our things picked we were there about an hour and a half and then realized that to get out we were going to be in the check out line for 3 hours or more. i dropped what was in my arms and said to hell with the lines lets go home. I can order the things off of the internet. she agreed although we did stop at a furnature store and ended up walking out of there about 4,500 less in my pocket. completely over shot the 800 budget as planed

o well though, we finally got OUR couch and OUR bed. and i am very happy about that. it finally settled a big argument that we had. she hated the fact that she was sleeping in a bed that i had been in with other women. and I would not let her bring her bed in for the exact same reasons... same with the couch we needed something that we could call OURS together and i am really happy to finally get that stuff behind us.she sees the opportunity right now and is asking to paint the walls as we have been planing it since the marriage so tomarrow we are going paint shopping. its 2:15 gotta get some sleep.....

1969chargerrtse · November 27, 2011, 07:27:30 AM

Wow, things seem to be a little better. Thanks for sharing your stories and I hope things keep looking up. Other peoples advise always helps put me in the right direction also.

Tire thing sucks though.

1970Moparmann · November 27, 2011, 11:03:51 AM

Sounds like things are getting a little better.

Is there more to the tire slashing?

This next part is a "world according to Mike" thing. It sounds like to me that she is in a crossroads situation in her life. Maybe she isn't over her ex, or maybe there is someone else that she has a mental connection with at the bar. Being a bartender, I don't think is helping your situation out at all. When she feels like your marriage is going South, her thought process is different, and she may listen to one of the guys that is hitting on her at the bar. Now, this creates confusion on what she would do with her life, and by the way, the depression aspect is just making this 10x worse.

I don't want to add more drama theory into this, but when I read about the tire slashing, "other guy", and her being a bartender, this just got more complex.

How old is she?

resq302 · November 27, 2011, 03:50:40 PM

Glad to hear that there was some progress with the exception of the new tire. I know what you mean though as I am not going through an easy time with my family right now. Kinda sucks when you feel so low that you have no glimmer of hope at times. You can only hope for the best till you start wondering why you are hoping for things that seem to never come and start to lose faith in yourself. Having kids involved makes matters that much worse. Im constantly thinking what my actions will result in with the outcome for the best for my kids. Im sure that the mental anguish does not help the matters.

The only thing I can offer is to take one small step at a time. That is what I have been doing but somehow there is always that two steps back that occurs that drops you right back down to where you were before. Well... this thread isn't about me and my issues so back on topic. Wishing ya all the best man.

djcarguy · November 27, 2011, 04:17:21 PM

you know the 1 that brings up and starts the talk of splitting a marriage has allready spent weeks ta years planning and skieming ,,,and shutting down and hardening and blocking thier emosion.. they may weaken and stay awhile when they see how hurt you are ,then they will leave and screw you to the wall while you are still in shock and trying to cope .be prepared every time they are low or in dough of how wise thier decision was,they will call and kiss up oh i made a bad mistake ;;;;;;;;;;;and fubar your life all up.. in a week its i made the right move and screw you all over again.....kick there ass to the curb and protect your self....

not just bitter,,, but bitter with experiance and years of help.. 2 long term gals,4yrs together, and 2 xxwife,1,2yrs other 9.5 bloody years long with 2 sons.she went for loserr that played co-ed soft ball with her ,,cause they have so much in common,, air between the ears and a softball for hearts....jokes on her he is broke and cannot keep a job,major depth and repoed cars and fight and yell all the time ,,,oh poor bitch..

djcarguy · November 27, 2011, 04:55:37 PM

hay i tryed to be nice and hope for the best for ya,,,,,,but get your head out in some frech air and think......
she has what 1 appointment and what week or two maybe taking meds and you go and blow $5000. between turkey day for her screwed up family that hasn't helpped her,,,,the tire hole, oh shes a bartender,,, and are you that young women have been using the other women touched it shiiittt for years.... oh you have to buy new house and clothes and figgin skin and cars because some other women touched it ....what about what touch and poked them?

her parts?

?

any more boomes to drop on us??/ was she a stripper in the past too?/?/??? because with them it is all about control and lies and getting you to buy and spend?

?when now is time to focus and fix her and you not try to spend and fix with a $4500 momentarey high,wont work..,,,,,,garenttted.

i say stop spending,,,seperate i know it is hard at holidays,each work on grewing up and taking care of self first,,,,,,,,then see if you love each other or having a dependent sad project to fix...if you really want kids find outand learn what they may inherrit, get her a bus pass ,,no car at bar........ok now go fix ya life..

Back N Black · November 27, 2011, 06:11:17 PM

Quote from: djcarguy on November 27, 2011, 04:55:37 PM
hay i tryed to be nice and hope for the best for ya,,,,,,but get your head out in some frech air and think......
she has what 1 appointment and what week or two maybe taking meds and you go and blow $5000. between turkey day for her screwed up family that hasn't helpped her,,,,the tire hole, oh shes a bartender,,, and are you that young women have been using the other women touched it shiiittt for years.... oh you have to buy new house and clothes and figgin skin and cars because some other women touched it ....what about what touch and poked them? her parts??

any more boomes to drop on us??/ was she a stripper in the past too?/?/??? because with them it is all about control and lies and getting you to buy and spend??when now is time to focus and fix her and you not try to spend and fix with a $4500 momentarey high,wont work..,,,,,,garenttted.

i say stop spending,,,seperate i know it is hard at holidays,each work on grewing up and taking care of self first,,,,,,,,then see if you love each other or having a dependent sad project to fix...if you really want kids find outand learn what they may inherrit, get her a bus pass ,,no car at bar........ok now go fix ya life..

Have you been drinking or typing with your elbows?

??

RECHRGD · November 27, 2011, 06:27:03 PM

Have you been drinking or typing with your elbows?

??
[/quote]

My thoughts exactly!!

djcarguy · November 27, 2011, 08:36:32 PM

Quote from: RECHRGD on November 27, 2011, 06:27:03 PM
Have you been drinking or typing with your elbows???

My thoughts exactly!!
[/quote]

NO,DRINKING AND IF THATS ALL YOU CAN GET FROM THAT ,SORRY FOR YOU.ANY IDEA WHAT THREAD IS ABOUT. SURE NOT ABOUT GRAMMER AND TYPING AND FEW SMELLING ERRORS,,,SPELLING JUST CHECKING.HAHAHA
THE YOUNG GUY IS IN A BIG MESS AND BATTLE WITH THE DEPRESSION OF NEW WIFE.NOW HE SPENDS LOTS OF MONEY AND MORE DRAMA WITH CAR AND HER WORK.WELL DAT BEEE AL I GOTS TA SAYS BOUT DAT FUR NAW.

Back N Black · November 27, 2011, 09:27:45 PM

not just bitter,,, but bitter with experiance and years of help.. 2 long term gals,4yrs together, and 2 xxwife,1,2yrs other 9.5 bloody years long with 2 sons.she went for loserr that played co-ed soft ball with her ,,cause they have so much in common,, air between the ears and a softball for hearts....jokes on her he is broke and cannot keep a job,major depth and repoed cars and fight and yell all the time ,,,oh poor bitch..

[/quote]

I read the thread, maybe your not the right guy to give advise??

skip68 · November 27, 2011, 11:34:09 PM

Not trying to belittle anyone BUT, don't expect a fairyland life with a bartender/dancer/stripper ect, ect, ect. Most are not exactly the good foundation for a homemaker/wife. These are "USUALLY" the kind of women to party with, flirt with and go for a good time. Not the kind you marry and hope she becomes a soccer mom. It seems they all have baggage, messed up childhood stories and failed marriages. That's do to their social life party atmosphere jobs filled with drama. There's girls you party with and then there's girls you marry. If you marry the party girl you get the problems that come with it. Sorry, but as a guy that's basic knowledge. I still hope the best for you but I have to be honest and you asked. I think she's looking for a way out and when she says "it's not you it's me" I think you better believe her. She may be trying to get you to leave her so she doesn't have to hurt you.

1970Moparmann · November 28, 2011, 08:28:45 AM

Quote from: skip68 on November 27, 2011, 11:34:09 PM
Not trying to belittle anyone BUT, don't expect a fairyland life with a bartender/dancer/stripper ect, ect, ect. Most are not exactly the good foundation for a homemaker/wife. These are "USUALLY" the kind of women to party with, flirt with and go for a good time. Not the kind you marry and hope she becomes a soccer mom. It seems they all have baggage, messed up childhood stories and failed marriages. That's do to their social life party atmosphere jobs filled with drama. There's girls you party with and then there's girls you marry. If you marry the party girl you get the problems that come with it. Sorry, but as a guy that's basic knowledge. I still hope the best for you but I have to be honest and you asked. I think she's looking for a way out and when she says "it's not you it's me" I think you better believe her. She may be trying to get you to leave her so she doesn't have to hurt you.

Well said. It's unfortunate yet true.

skip68 · November 28, 2011, 09:06:44 AM

Again, sorry Jar. I'm not trying to be hurtful to you, I'm being blunt. This is why it's important to know the person you're getting married to.
My little brother is in a similar boat and I feel bad for him because the rest of his life is going to be filled with drama, custody battles, worry and hurt. But that's his choice and he should've known that going in. I feel sorry for the kids mostly.
ALL I know is what I'm reading here and I think I see the picture correctly. I have no doubts she is in need of help but I have a feeling she's carrying some guilt inside as well. Good luck and buckle your seat belt, it's going to be a roller coaster ride.

elacruze · November 28, 2011, 09:25:01 AM

Quote from: jar1292 on November 27, 2011, 04:16:59 AM
... a big argument that we had. she hated the fact that she was sleeping in a bed that i had been in with other women. and I would not let her bring her bed in for the exact same reasons...

This sentence speaks volumes. I don't like to get involved in personal dramas, but it's obvious that your mind isn't as open as you think, and surely hers isn't either.

It's a bed, man. Just a bed.

It looks from here like neither of you trusts the other, both want unnecessary control of the other, and you're doomed if you don't let it go.

jar1292 · November 28, 2011, 09:40:22 PM

hi every one and thanks for your thoughts and you dint have to apologize for being blunt that what this is for to get thoughts from many back grounds. I do have to agree with the fact that you need to know who you marry 100 percent. the job is and or has a factor in the situation no question about it. and she knows this and we have talked about it. she loves her job but she knows that it is not the perfect environment that could lead to problems like this. she wants to find another job but as we all know its tough. and we have talked about it before. she knows it brings on it share of problems and we are both looking for a solution as to a job where she is not in that environment. she used to work at Dillard's that is the town over the hill 30 miles away. she disliked it to an extent and we both hated the hours they gave her and wanted more to help make the bills but they refused. her pay check would come to about 150 a week and at the time we were paying about 50 in fuel costs. and about 25 in day care. (if i remember correctly) it wasn't worth the hassle as she could make the same a mile away from the house and no day care. i was the one who pushed her to quit. she wants to find some thing new to get her out of the bar 4 days of the week. i encourage here in every thing that i can and this is no exception. i only, and will always want the best for her and my step son. it is an up hill battle but we have promised to put our best foot forward into this so we cant look back and think to ourselves that we should have done some thing else. we talked about to each other about her trying to make me break it off! and we both laughed about it that we both know that she is not that kind of girl. she speaks her mind when ever she wants. I know that if she really wanted out she would just come out and say it. she wants this to work out as much as I do. that's the reason that she agreed to therapy she knows some things wrong and instead of hiding it or running from it she wants to fix it. to find out whats wrong. I know that a bed is just a bed and a couch is just a couch. but in the same sense I want a shared thing to. I have everything that she has ever wanted to start with before the marriage. there is nothing of "ours" so to say. I felt the same way. that's the reason we wanted to buy new items. to say that they are "ours". I brought in to this the fully furnished house and property, 3 cars, 2 motorcycles, 2 four wheelers, a side business, a goat herd and a dog. all she had coming into this was bad credit, a broken car, a few odds and ends and a dog. she felt like she was contributing nothing. but what she didn't realize that she brought the most important thing into this, HER and the best little man in the world, our step son. so not giving to the circumstance i done like she has been wanting for a while. some thing to call OURS something that she can feel like she contributed to. she felt like it was just a house to her that every thing was mine. now she has made this into not my house but OUR home. She told me the other night that I had no idea what doing this has meant to her. she didn't come out and say it cuz i know she cant, but for a second i seen the light in her eye again! its there all we can do is help it grow and shine in here again.

lol i know some of you just rolled your eyes that's mushy! but hey she felt some what normal again! thank you all for your thoughts and prayers its still a gravel road but there has to be pavement at the end, so to say, for smooth cruising. sometimes i need to stop and ask for directions. not just slow down and read the signs to get where i need to be...

skip68 · November 28, 2011, 10:03:50 PM

One day at a time.

Darkman · November 28, 2011, 10:50:12 PM

You are right about the furniture. This gesture does give her a sense of contribution to the relationship.

Even if a bed is just a bed, this step is a massive one for you to make together. And as you said, it is now "YOUR" bed. Slowly but surely, swap out furniture with stuff you both buy together. This may be a very good step in building a true relationship.

Wish you all the best

jar1292 · November 29, 2011, 12:06:31 AM

thanks darkman! we are taking steps. I failed to mention that ain't the only thing that we have bought together. as some as you will all know that a divorce can destroy your credit

for what she had already built was destroyed by what her previous marriage. let me fill you in on my career. I used to travel working construction as a iron worker. it was a rough life as i only done it for 5 years traveling from city to city I loved it but i hated the fact that as i paid a mortgage back home at 500 a month i was paying 1500 a month in rent away from home. I made the decision to move home. I was offered a job for a multimillion dollar construction company in their field service department 35 miles from home. the kicker on this job was they paid minimum of 100 a day for perdium where i ever only received 40 a day! i got to live at home and yet get to do my traveling 2 weeks out of the month. I loved it!!! that was almost 5 years ago. six months into the job i was offered a supervisor position. that did not go over well with my supervisor. he ended up more or less having a mental break down over what happened and i ended up taking his job. WHOOPS

. not that that was a good thing but when i first hired on he seen the potential in me and stated that i might as well take his job over. i really didn't think it would happen that fast. soon i was running the show. about six months ago my back finally said enough. the docs say i have the back of a 75 year old. I'm only 27.

when I got married i realized that i have some thing to live for more than making bills. I wanted to move up to where I'm not breathing the everyday welding smoke as i have since i was 16. my boss has been their for 15 years and has also realized that he wont be there forever and is over loaded to the point that his health has reflected it. out of hundreds employees that are well educated he came to the decision that i am the one that would keep the field service division pumping. thus he is now grooming me for the project manager position that he has held for so long. I know I'm not taking his place as i don't don't want to. there is way to much money to be made out in the field still. but i am getting the computer skills and knowledge that i need with out going to the college. enough about the career. I was given the opportunity to manage a year project for Kennecott Copper Mine some of you know them as Rio Tinto. a 15 million dollar project. the mine is located about 2.5 hours away from home. working six days a week 12 hours or longer my wife and i decided to buy a fifth wheel trailer as I would stay in it for the duration saving roughly 20 grand in hotel expenses. and she would come stay with me 3-4 days out of the week and our step son when he is not with his father. we wanted to make the best of the situation as it opened a big door for us in the future with the company. we bought the trailer with cash and with her credit as it was, we done a personal loan in her name to help build it up, we dumped her loan into a separate account and make the monthly payments plus a bit. with six month early pay off penalty we hold that money and pay enough that we meet the six month minimum loan but will pay it off in eight. we covered all our bases. when i was fourteen my father started me making purchases with loans to build my credit. that is how i have a lot of what i have today, strong work ethics and a good sense of how credit and money can and will give you the advantage in giving you what you desire in life. as i said we bought the trailer with a personal loan in her name. we turned our phone bills in her name so there is a good monthly payment standing record and she still has her car payment in her name. that's a great start for her credit to get a good foundation on. so we already have made a big purchase with the trailer together but she duz not see it that way. she views it as its still mine as i will live in it. this bed room set and furniture is just another step for her to claim that she has an ownership in this relationship. and i think that is what she desires. she has always been dependent upon herself and will not let any one help her yet knows that a healthy relationship takes 2 and wants to contribute her part into it.

jar1292 · November 29, 2011, 12:21:09 AM

WOW after reading that back that was kind of sounding like i was just talking about me. I guess who i am and what i do has a big contribution to the relationship, but i dont wanna stray away from the first question that i had and that is, how i can help my wife get through this rough time that she is battling....

Highbanked Hauler · December 03, 2011, 11:31:22 PM

You might have said but I missed it, How old are the two of you ? Early 20S you are going to have a different view than early 40S?

jar1292 · December 03, 2011, 11:55:05 PM

Banker I am 27 years of old age and she is 22. I have seen a lot more and experienced more in life then she has. She is still learning a lot. As I am too but i think that we are in the same situation as of I have experienced a few things that she has not and she has experienced some thing that I have not. we are doing great as of right now. I have come to the realization that I also need some therapy help too.

I'm not perfect and it seems that I expect to make the world perfect around me. no matter how hard I try there is always some problem that rises. that is my down fall I always expect the perfect world around me and when its not I try in vain to correct it. Thus leaving me for an automatic down fall and disappointment. thats my problem that I need to work out. I cant make every thing a fairy tale come true. we have talked about my problem that i have and are working through it too... life is good right now this is getting worked out, and all your thoughts are welcome and thought through. we actually read through this the other night together, all the posts. She appreciates all the thoughts and suggestions that you guys have. we are both trying every thing that we can to resolve the negative feelings towards each other... Thanks again guys...

elacruze · December 04, 2011, 12:29:55 AM

The Pursuit of Perfection. I know it well.

My younger life was shackled by the same trouble; nobody ever pointed out that it was a fool's dream.
I started stopping in my mid-30s, and still struggle a little sometimes. I hate entropy.

Look up 'Radical Acceptance' and apply it to your world. Stir in some Tao and you'll be good to go.

resq302 · December 04, 2011, 11:47:13 AM

Yup, been there too myself with the Pursuit of Perfection. I thought that I had to be perfect with everything I did with my car trying to restore it back to a factory appearance....... then I saw an unrestored car that had factory paint and stuff. Boy did I have my standards set WAY too high for the factory.

I used to be that way with everything I did. Strive for perfection. I ended up driving myself crazy (and here I thought it was Mopar-itis). Now I just don't give a damn about everything. What happens, happens and stuff that does not go according to plan just gets carefully re-evaluated after a deep breath. I got myself too stressed out sweating the small things in life. I find I have a lot less stress if I just don't give a damn.

News:

help with depression ( my wife).... long story