help with depression ( my wife).... long story

[jar1292]

Hi guys first off let me say sorry for spelling or other bad grammar i have way to much jumbled in my head to think strait. and if it dont make any sense i apologize...

I dont even know where to start. Im here reaching out because i dint know where to turn and you all have good advice. Even you bull!!! First off let me start with, we were married six months ago. she was married before and i have not been. We both are very open to each other and we both wanted to do marriage counseling after we were married. I wanted to go because it could help me understand what goes on in a marriage and to be a better father to our 4 year old. (her previous marriage). And she wanted to go because she has/had thought that her first marriage failed because she did not do what he wanted all the time. it was an abusive and total one sided relationship. she tried so hard to to have him love her but he decided that other women were better than her. So they parted and i ended up meeting the love of my life! when we decided that we wanted to get married as i said before we were gunna do counseling together to make us more aware of day to day problems. although we lived together for the last nine months before. Upon further research with my insurance they would not cover marriage counseling. we decided to put it off. she has fought depression since she can remember but coming from a broken home in the first place and many childhood problems she has only received minimal help. She has migraines to the point that she has seizures where i take her to the ER to get migraine cocktails, this will happen once about every five months. On her last visit to the doctor he put her on mandatory therapy with this new depression medicine that he prescribed. but she refuses to go. when she was pregnant there was a therapist that checked her into the loony bin. She completely refuses to go now in fear. Over the last four months she has gone down hill. She kept on asking me for my approval to separate. I would listen but instead of saying yes i would give alternate suggestions to a separation. Over the last two weeks it came the point that last monday she decided that she needs to stay some place else. I for one am having a real hard time with it and cant keep focused when im home but this aint about me. We still talk as she is usualy at our house when i get home from work, then i will leave so she is not stressed untill she leaves for the night. When we do talk it is chit chat and some times it is not good in the end. She thinks she is destroying my life. We do have an appointment with a therapist on tuesday but she said that i can not come. where do I go from here. how can i help her and myself. I know it wont be easy and there is a long road ahead. Ive been researching info but i really dont know where to start. As i have read, depression effects a lot of the population, but i for one have not personally seen it up close and personal. There is a lot of info that i am leaving out, I could go on and on about what is happening. I know that there are some of you that have dealt with it up close. I dont wanna drag up bad memories but any first hand experience would really really help my understanding of her and possibly save a marriage if not more. Any questions that you would have for me ask and i will tell you how it is. Thanks to all that have read this novel and thank you so much before hand to all that can give me some advice...

[bull]

Even me?

The first thing I'd say is this might not be a good place to get advice on such a thing. But I will say this, even though insurance doesn't cover counseling I bet it's a far sight cheaper than a divorce. I'd pay to get her to a counselor who can perscribe some anti-depressant drugs.

Also, based on what you're saying, I have a hard time believing it was all the previous spouses fault that they got divorced if she was acting then like she is now. Maybe the guy was an a-hole but it sounds as if she had some hand in the demise of the marriage.

[Chryco Psycho]

Welbutrin has worked better than anything for me

[1970Moparmann]

Sorry to hear your going through this. 

If insurance isn't covering anything, this will mean that you may have to search for other sources of help.   Try a local church or talk to one of her friends.   

I would suggest finding a "good" therapist and pursue a recovery process.   If she is clinically diagnosed with depression, med's may be the best solution.   She also will need to communicate her thoughts and feelings, which a therapist will help with exercises for this.  If she is requesting that you don't go the first time, respect this decision, and call the therapist after to see what you can do.  It may mean that you go for an appointment by your self maybe without your wife knowing, but he/she can give you some suggestions on how to help your wife.

Good luck.

[jar1292]

I know bull i was hoping you would chime in! the ex lives down the road from us and i have talked to him in the past. He says the same thing as her that it was his fault and that she is/was the best there is. he suffers from bi-polar and knows that it was his fault 100% that his actions are what tied the knot in the divorce and wants the best for us. She knows that she has problems and i knew of it when i said I DO, we knew that we were gunna have problems to come, we promised to work them out. I agree that money is nothing when it comes to fixing it before a divorce as far as she is concerned she grew up with nothing and wants nothing from me or any body for that fact. she is very  self dependent... I am well off so to say with my employment and assests and thats why she wanted and to, and did, do a pre-nup before hand to simply put out there that she expects nothing. she still wants to be my entire life but feels that she can not "love" me as much as i do her.As we talked last night she knows she is my everything, i bend over back words for her and her feeling towords me is the same but she can not show it cuz she is scared. nothing has ever been good for her in the past and she admits that she is just waiting for this to turn bad just for the fact that she has nothing good besides her son in her life actualy turn good and never go bad. So i know she is looking for the bad in this relationship to re-asure here for everything that she has ever known... complete disaster. she agrees with me when i asked her about it. she wont agree with me but i know that is what she is doing. she cant except the fact that she has what she deserves after 22 years of life kicking her down. its out of her relm to think that she might actually live a normal productive life. we both know that this is hard and therapy will help... ( i hope so any way) as i never have dealt with it before. you say that this may not be the place to ask for help as it is a car place but it is the perfect place in my opinion to talk to anybody that has dealt with this in the past. and god forbid right now! as some of you know I log here every day my car aint seeing much improvement but i log in to see what everybody is up to in there day to day life. this i think is my best place to get solid real life experience with this. you guys tell it how it is. I have to laugh at the gowdy threads and the richard aka -Dick Head- threads! I love how the "Skips" throw it out there. everybody can help me in one way or another! and CHRYCO i cant spell what she is on right now but im not sure if its really helping in the long run. that will be for the head doctor to decide. i for one hope its just the meds. we had her on a birth control that threw here through a loop like the world was coming to an and. she stoped that about three months ago as we both wanna have a baby together before this shit hit the fan. just so you dont have to wonder she is not pregnant...

[jar1292]

moparmann i filled my boss in the other day on the situation as i just took on a year job working out of town. he went through this 2 years ago as his wife of 20 years as she was stepping out on him. he wants absolutly the best for me and wants me to cut back on my work load. but i think it may be the only thing keeping me sane. to keep my mind stressed on work and not think about home. but in the same sense he will to sign all the paper work to get me all the financial help and time off that i will need from work. our company was family made and is completly family oriented to no extent (mormons) lol. they are willing to give me any thing that i need to get this worked out. all i have to do is ask. thats the hard part i was not raised to ask for help i had any thing i needed with in my family growing up and to ask for help now is very hard but im willing to do any thing at this point...

[skip68]

Wow!   I wish I could give you good advice but I think the best has been said.   Get her to go to a counselor or therapist and let her go at it alone the first time or until your presence is requested.   I have to ask, does she ever get violent?   It's great to come here and talk and get support and ideas, but your best bet is getting her to talk with a qualified therapist.  We wish you all the best in helping her become healthy and saving your marriage.   Be as patient as you can be until you find out what's going on with her.   Good luck and keep us posted.     

Chuck .......

[skip68]

I agree with my husband to a point. I think YOU need to speak to the therapist on monday! (& a meeting after your wifes appt.)  That way the dr has a idea of whats going on. This has to be so overwelming, but you must take care of yourself first!!!!! We are here, and will help the best we can!

Mrs.skip68

[resq302]

I agree.  My wife and I went through a conselor due to some marriage problems but we managed to get through it.  The conselor ended up seeing us individually for a couple sessions and then together as the sessions progressed. 

This place is a good place to vent or at least I feel it is for me.  Even if it is or isn't car related, this place is more or less an extended family.

[twodko]

Just my opinion here but when someones been kicked to the gutter early in life it's a very tall order for them to have any remaining self esteem, confidence or sense of self worth. You are already working with the best marriage tools there are - listen, laugh and love. The members have offered solid advice especially Mrs. Skip IMO. You must keep yourself sane not only for yourself but for the child and the Mrs.. You're providing a stable foundation for your life together. Def go to therapy individually then together if this works for both of you. She might not be capable of sharing her deepest horrors with you just yet. Depression/bipolar disorders are the bane of many.
While many here consider me to be a rock of stability (  ) after almost forty years it turned out I am bipolar. Who freakin' knew a Mopar guy could be twisted like that?    Like many people the usual causes, broken home, military stress, job pressure yada yada yada bring it on before ya know it.. Sawbones put me on Cymbalta and Lamictal. In many cases emotional upheaval can be attributed to a serotonin imbalance hence the Lamictal. Please look into both of these meds.  Therapy, the right meds and your continued practice of the 3 L's will see you both through this in fine shape. You'll both be back in action soon.......I insist or we'll send Bull to your house to
chew on both of yas.

[Ponch ®]

Sucks to hear you're going through this. Wish I could offer better advise than what's already been said (try your church with help re: marriage counseling). May be a good idea to take advantage of being separated to try to work out some of your issues individually first. As far as her depression issues, I'm in no way qualified to opine on that subject, but I hope she finds the sort of help/support she needs.

[ACUDANUT]

Using a "counselor ", did not help us.  If a Woman wants out, there is no hope.  Keep your head up and move on.

[djcarguy]

   i agree with both skips and others here.  protect your self and kid and help her ,but she has to help and take care of her own life and without help and meds your in for years on the worst roller coaster ride of ups and crashes. you sound like a very caring guy ,,,,but you cannot fix her alone with love or anything ,,,,she needs help,any talk of suiside or anger to hurt you or kid???

i have depression and stress and social adjustment disorders and 15 years of meds and help.  married 2 great loving gals but they could not deal with it or fix me and both left 1, 2 yrs no kids and 1 with my 2 sons stayed 9 yrs...and took my kids to be with new guy she picked in addvance..   thats,12 yrs ago hole other mess,still alive?
 
what iam saying is help and encourage her, but protect you and kid and do not have more kids,some of this is gennetick,and mine is bad child hood and head injuries to brain ..   you can PM me i can help as to her side or views maybe...iam 52 and treated 15 yrs...  very sorry you 2 and kid are in this .is it your kid or her xxx???

                  take care and god bless ask for help ...later dj in oregon

[jar1292]

thanksguys I really didn't expect all the positive support this early but wow you guys really brought a smile to my face! sorry cuda for your loss but at least you tried and that is what I want to do. we all do not know the outcome but if i put the best foot forward then there is no second guessing. to the skips I'm glad that you both are here with me you both have positive advice and with you two i can get a woman's view with the mans! She will see her therapist tamarrow at noon. I really am happy tonight that we are this close to getting this started on the right path to help. i agree with Mrs skip I will have her request that i get a turn on talking. no she is not violent but i will say right now i would not want her to get a hold of me in a bad way! she can get a little rough when she wants to! we will see what will happen in the future. DJ she douse not talk about suicide or hurting our little one. HE is the only thing that was good out of her previous marriage. yet she duz say that if it wasnt for him that she might have hurt herself a long time ago but she duz not feel that way now. DJ from your experience you may be a close perspective in this as we get deeper into it and that i may not wanna ask some questions to the general public. as i have already had a lot of people read this i dint wanna put every thing out there as this is really personal in many ways. if any body that wants to know great detail as what is going on cuz they have dealt with it and can honestly help the situation PM me and I can fill you in I thank you for all that you guys have contributed to this thread i will keep posted on the saga as you are the the extended family that i have come to love since i found you in 08! and to you Bull this is going in capital....THANKS TO ALL HERE!!!

[skip68]

Well, when all else fails there's always duct tape.   I've been married for 16 years (I think) and when Lisa gets out of line I duct tape her to the floor.                
Good luck.   

[bull]

Well, when all else fails there's always duct tape.   I've been married for 16 years (I think) and when Lisa gets out of line I duct tape her to the floor.                
Good luck.   

Please make a video of that and put it on youtube next time.

[Mike DC]

            
I've got depression deep in my bones.  It goes all the way back to childhood.  Heredity + environment can do a helluva thorough job.  

I'm going to say some pretty outside-the-box stuff here.  Bear with me, I'm not saying this necessarily applies to your wife but it might:



The thing about being depressed and/or living in chaos for decades is that the person's brain chemistry is usually no longer the same.  It's not just the fact that they might need pharmaceutical help to be less depressed.  It's beyond that.

The issue is that when good/safe things happen to them, it may not give them good/safe feelings like it should anymore.   Instead it makes them feel like something is deeply wrong and they can't trust it.  They don't feel "right" anymore because "right" is what they are used to, no matter how bad that might be.  After a certain point people's emotions are so used to trouble that they cannot trust a lack of trouble anymore.  So the problem they have when things get better is that it actually gets to be counterproductive.  Goodness can be flooding into their lives and it makes them feel MORE conflicted and alone instead of less.  When things get too much better too fast, it is literally destroying their emotional world as they know it.

You, the outsider, understand that their old emotional world is a terrible place and they should be happy to leave it for a new one.  But emotions don't listen to reason, they just feel.  The person feels the loss of the world as they understand it to be and that feels VERY wrong.  It feels unsafe.  It feels like they are being taken to a foreign place.  A place where people will not understand them, what they have been through.  A place they will never belong.  


What I am saying to you is this – I wonder if maybe your wife could benefit from a gradual adjustment.  I don't know any really good ways to do it except to make the transition as smooth as you can.  If she isn't reacting well to improvements in her life then don't keep trying to convince her that things are getting so much better.   Don't assault her with too much happiness too fast.  Let her experience the better life herself and let HER come to the conclusion that things are so much better.  She needs to trust it all to be real and lasting.  She needs to feel like there isn't some "other shoe" about to drop and yank it all away somehow.  It took many years for her to get to her lowest point; it's not surprising that it may take a few more years to pull out of it.  People coping with severe chronic problems have to rebuild their psyche around coping with the problems.  That defensive psyche can be pretty unsuited to living in a world where things are better. 


It's always dangerous to take a total stranger's advice on this stuff, especially when their advice is far outside of the norm.  Take what I'm saying with a grain of salt.  It's something to consider but I may be totally off the mark.  I'm just trying to throw some kind of alternate advice into the conversation besides the standard "get her medication and counseling".  Getting M & C  is good advice but you already knew that.  


---------------------------------------------------

Drugs:  

When it comes to anti-depressants, there are a few different basic families of drugs, and a lot of variations on each one of them.  If you want to go this route, then I think you and your wife should try to learn something about the drugs yourselves and contribute to trying to find her a good one.  Often times a whole family of drugs will all be prone to the same side effect or be working with the same primary mode of action.  My point is that if this is the case, and the drug isn't helping your wife because of something they all share, then you don't need to spend a year (not to mention a couple thousand bucks worth of pills & appointments) systematically going through all the variations of that drug family.  Encourage her to keep talking to the doc as she tries different drugs and try to narrow down what drugs may really help her and what won't.      



Good luck with everything.  
 

[djcarguy]

  agree with mike above.no easy quick fix to this mental and brain stuff. lots of guessing with meds and side effects.somethings help and wife sees results in area she wants,but side effect ruin your sex life from the guy side and so say he stopps taking it for summer or vacation time and 3-4 week later your back to square one.  and it never helps to say  ooh it was a long time ago ,,forget about it,or just move on..... the old top your horror story with thiers to show you they had it bad and made it thru just fine ...........xx aways said long time ago lest your moms alive,,get over it...................but her mom loved her and died from cancer, not years and years of and live on to remind stir up past..............................sorry i tryied to make a idea and hope ya get the idea,,brain jumped the track ,and faded out..............................
     take care ,,god bless ,later

[djcarguy]

Well, when all else fails there's always duct tape.   I've been married for 16 years (I think) and when Lisa gets out of line I duct tape her to the floor.                
Good luck.   

well iam sure you are kidding and ajoke to lighten the topic,,,,i did laugh but in real case if she or any one is in a mental or manic state thier power and fight or flight power  is multi time more than good day kidding around power,,,,watch out,take care and protect the child first ,they grow up seeing all this choas and it does stay in the little brains...take care

[Old Moparz]

Mike DC made some excellent points regarding that what may seem like total chaos to an outsider, appears "normal" to the person having problems because they are used to it. My wife's parents were alcoholics & it didn't contribute to a positive childhood or healthy relationships when she became an adult. She knew she didn't like how her parents were, but she ended up marrying an alcoholic, her 1st husband. There were also minor issues in the beginning of our relationship with trust. She was used to playing the "cop" & wanting to know what I was up to & not disappearing with friends to go binge drinking for several days.

The way of life she was familiar with as a kid was chaotic. It forced her to be independent & become the type that "fixes" things for others, also known as "enabling" them. (an ALANON term we learned) Alcoholism, or a family member dealing with an alcoholic, may not be the same as depression & mental illness & having to deal with them, but I'd bet that there are similar methods for understanding the other person. Therapy can help both of you & I hope it works out for you.

As a side note, if she is seeing a therapist & not a marriage councilor, the therapist may not be allowed to see or talk to you about the issue. It's part of that patient & doctor privacy thing, as well as to avoid a conflict of interests in solving the problem. It could be very different with a marriage councilor depending on their credentials.

[twodko]

Well, when all else fails there's always duct tape.   I've been married for 16 years (I think) and when Lisa gets out of line I duct tape her to the floor.                
Good luck.   

Kinky.......I like it Skipper!

[nvrbdn]

im wondering if the tape damages the floor??? is this a hardwood floor, or do you tape her down on tile? kitchen, bathroom, etc....... just not enough info skip photos would help alot also.

[Chryco Psycho]

Most Churches / Pastors do marriage conselling before marriage & will offer counselling before or after & generally at reasonable cost if any .
Mike DC is on the right track ,there is truth in what he is saying because I am there as well , for some reason we seem to distrust people who try to get close & push away good things & people & distroy thongs around us .

[nvrbdn]

i agree, the church is the first place to start. they will help with family counciling and individual also. or if its above their abilities, they can help point you in the right direction. 

[RallyeMike]

i agree, the church is the first place to start.

No. Not to start with.

Depression is very serious and it's nothing for an amateur to deal with. Before you put any faith in that, ask them what their credentials are for the counseling and treatment of people with depression. Then go find someone with some credentials in the science in the treatment of depression. If you need more help beyond that, use the church counseling as a secondary measure.