Don't touch my junk.

[Richard Cranium]

By Charles Krauthammer
Friday, November 19, 2010

Ah, the airport, where modern folk heroes are made. The airport, where that inspired flight attendant did what everyone who's ever been in the spam-in-a-can crush of a flying aluminum tube - where we collectively pretend that a clutch of peanuts is a meal and a seat cushion is a "flotation device" - has always dreamed of doing: pull the lever, blow the door, explode the chute, grab a beer, slide to the tarmac and walk through the gates to the sanity that lies beyond. Not since Rick and Louis disappeared into the Casablanca fog headed for the Free French garrison in Brazzaville has a stroll on the tarmac thrilled so many.

And now three months later, the newest airport hero arrives. His genius was not innovation in getting out, but deconstructing the entire process of getting in. John Tyner, cleverly armed with an iPhone to give YouTube immortality to the encounter, took exception to the TSA guard about to give him the benefit of Homeland Security's newest brainstorm - the upgraded, full-palm, up the groin, all-body pat-down. In a stroke, the young man ascended to myth, or at least the next edition of Bartlett's, warning the agent not to "touch my junk."

Not quite the 18th-century elegance of "Don't Tread on Me," but the age of Twitter has a different cadence from the age of the musket. What the modern battle cry lacks in archaic charm, it makes up for in full-body syllabic punch.

Don't touch my junk is the anthem of the modern man, the Tea Party patriot, the late-life libertarian, the midterm election voter. Don't touch my junk, Obamacare - get out of my doctor's examining room, I'm wearing a paper-thin gown slit down the back. Don't touch my junk, Google - Street View is cool, but get off my street. Don't touch my junk, you airport security goon - my package belongs to no one but me, and do you really think I'm a Nigerian nut job preparing for my 72-virgin orgy by blowing my johnson to kingdom come?

In "Up in the Air," that ironic take on the cramped freneticism of airport life, George Clooney explains why he always follows Asians in the security line:

"They pack light, travel efficiently, and they got a thing for slip-on shoes, God love 'em."

"That's racist!"

"I'm like my mother. I stereotype. It's faster."

That riff is a crowd-pleaser because everyone knows that the entire apparatus of the security line is a national homage to political correctness. Nowhere do more people meekly acquiesce to more useless inconvenience and needless indignity for less purpose. Wizened seniors strain to untie their shoes; beltless salesmen struggle comically to hold up their pants; 3-year-olds scream while being searched insanely for explosives - when everyone, everyone, knows that none of these people is a threat to anyone.

The ultimate idiocy is the full-body screening of the pilot. The pilot doesn't need a bomb or box cutter to bring down a plane. All he has to do is drive it into the water, like the EgyptAir pilot who crashed his plane off Nantucket while intoning "I rely on God," killing all on board.

But we must not bring that up. We pretend that we go through this nonsense as a small price paid to ensure the safety of air travel. Rubbish. This has nothing to do with safety - 95 percent of these inspections, searches, shoe removals and pat-downs are ridiculously unnecessary. The only reason we continue to do this is that people are too cowed to even question the absurd taboo against profiling - when the profile of the airline attacker is narrow, concrete, uniquely definable and universally known. So instead of seeking out terrorists, we seek out tubes of gel in stroller pouches.

The junk man's revolt marks the point at which a docile public declares that it will tolerate only so much idiocy. Metal detector? Back-of-the-hand pat? Okay. We will swallow hard and pretend airline attackers are randomly distributed in the population.

But now you insist on a full-body scan, a fairly accurate representation of my naked image to be viewed by a total stranger? Or alternatively, the full-body pat-down, which, as the junk man correctly noted, would be sexual assault if performed by anyone else?

This time you have gone too far, Big Bro'. The sleeping giant awakes. Take my shoes, remove my belt, waste my time and try my patience. But don't touch my junk.

[adauto]

Just tell'um ...No glove NO love!!! 






Seriously tho as a person who fly's 5-6 times a year ... WHAT A PITA!  They already have 1 up and operational at Mitchell. I've recently learned to stay out of that line. As of last week D concourse at Mcarrin didnt have any. YET ..................................................................................... 

[rustafarian]

AMEN!!

[4cruzin]

Sad times for sure . . . . 

[nh_mopar_fan]

The silliness we go through in the name of political correctness.

PROFILE!

[sixty8charger]

    

[TK73]

[Brock Samson]

 Thank You! It's about time someone started a thread on this! 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40291856/ns/travel-news

  wait... 

[adauto]

Thank You! It's about time someone started a thread on this! 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40291856/ns/travel-news

  wait... 

I think its the tip of the ice berg, just wait the holidays are here. I'm sure there will be more, mich more. Then we'll here of "sensetivity" training and lots of other bull$hi+.... Before you know you will need to be at the airport a day before your flight to get through the line.

[sixty8charger]

ugh.. i have to catch a flight in a couple weeks.. guess i will post that experience! (headed to the Northwest for all you in the Portland/Vancouver area.. with a trip to Olympia one of the days.)

[squeakfinder]

ugh.. i have to catch a flight in a couple weeks.. guess i will post that experience! (headed to the Northwest for all you in the Portland/Vancouver area.. with a trip to Olympia one of the days.)

Hope your groping experience..er uh flight is a nice one on your way out here.

[nh_mopar_fan]

You can't see London, you can't see France, until we reach in your underpants.

[Brock Samson]

 Got this from Johnny aka formula off FB...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hq8pd0fDNaA

[nh_mopar_fan]

The TSA: We've handled more packages than UPS.

[Bobs69]

So can I look forward to being groped and a prostate massage when I goto Jamaica in a couple weeks.  Maybe I can request a female.........

[Brock Samson]

 Don't forget getting your manboobs "inspected"... 

[Rolling_Thunder]

If you guys want to TRUTH about ALL this BS let me know.

I'll put it this way - if you follow the directions of the TSA officers there is no reason to ever have a pat-down. If you have a medical implant then you are already used to getting a pat-down...    the new pat down is not any more invasive than the one we used to do.

I really don't see what the big deal is.

PS. that guy who video taped his "experience" escalated the situation by threatening an officer - at that point we immediately call a supervisor and law enforcement. He is also being fined $11,000 for his troubles. Video taping through the checkpoint also is an arrestable offense. 

PS. This whole national opt out day is a dumbest idea in quite a long time...     We have already been told the people who opt out of AIT screening will likely wait 20-30 minutes before they can be patted down by a TSA officer.  If anyone is causing a problem in the terminal they will immediately be detained by law enforcement officers for disruption of federal policy.     

Anyway - All in all this whole thing is simply one guy trying to get his name known and the media eating it up. 

[twodko]

I can tell you this, I damn sure won't board a plane knowing someone refused a security check and whinned their way on board. Like that would happen!

[Brock Samson]

If you guys want to TRUTH about ALL this BS let me know.

I'll put it this way - if you follow the directions of the TSA officers there is no reason to ever have a pat-down. If you have a medical implant then you are already used to getting a pat-down...    the new pat down is not any more invasive than the one we used to do.

I really don't see what the big deal is.

PS. that guy who video taped his "experience" escalated the situation by threatening an officer - at that point we immediately call a supervisor and law enforcement. He is also being fined $11,000 for his troubles. Video taping through the checkpoint also is an arrestable offense. 

PS. This whole national opt out day is a dumbest idea in quite a long time...     We have already been told the people who opt out of AIT screening will likely wait 20-30 minutes before they can be patted down by a TSA officer.  If anyone is causing a problem in the terminal they will immediately be detained by law enforcement officers for disruption of federal policy.     

Anyway - All in all this whole thing is simply one guy trying to get his name known and the media eating it up. 

Ok Never Mind..  I really don't know what all this fuss is about...

[Bobs69]

I can tell you this, I damn sure won't board a plane knowing someone refused a security check and whinned their way on board. Like that would happen!

Good point.  And in our politically correct society, it could happen!

[defiance]

I'll put it this way - if you follow the directions of the TSA officers there is no reason to ever have a pat-down. If you have a medical implant then you are already used to getting a pat-down...    the new pat down is not any more invasive than the one we used to do.

I really don't see what the big deal is.

PS. that guy who video taped his "experience" escalated the situation by threatening an officer - at that point we immediately call a supervisor and law enforcement. He is also being fined $11,000 for his troubles. Video taping through the checkpoint also is an arrestable offense. 

You're right, letting me choose between strangers examining my naked body and strangers groping me makes it all OK.  Especially since it's all in the name of safety!  And of course recording is an arrestable offense - No way should any authority figure have to worry about accountability to the citizenry!  I mean, questioning authority is the gateway drug to terrorism, right?  Don't forget the hallmark of our beloved government: If we have nothing to hide, then we shouldn't be upset!

[ODZKing]

Some bumper stickers

[twodko]

Outstanding!

[SRT-68]

This is the same bs that came from red light cameras. If you are following the rules you don't get hassled. This guy was looking to get his 15 min of fame, not from doing something worthwhile but from being a pita. Getting out of LA is hard enough without having to deal with jerks like this guy holding up the line.
The scanner is no big deal, get scanned and get out. So what if the TSA people see your "junk"? All of this bs will make it harder for them to do their job and easier for a bomber to do his.
I am so tired of "big brother" crybabies.
Rant over.

[bakerhillpins]

Those bumper stickers are mint! 

Sorry you feel that he is just trying to grab his minutes of fame and make your life miserable. I personally feel that the TSA is operating unchecked right now and needs a good to bring them back down to reality.