Differences between men and women

[Tilar]

This has been around a long time but it's still good for a laugh. 



How are men and women different? Besides the obvious, here are a few differences...

*Handwriting:*
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented,colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.


*Groceries:*
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are a beer and something green and fuzzy. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.


*Relationships:*
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.

*Sex:*
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.


*Maturity:*
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.


*Magazines:*
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.


*Bathrooms:*
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom--a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap,and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 312. A man cannot identify most of these items.


*Shoes:*
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.


*Cats:*
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


*Children: *
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


*Dressing Up:*
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.


*Sale Items*
Women: A woman will drive 9 miles to buy a $2 item that is on sale for $1.
Men: A man will buy a $1 item for $2 to keep from walking across the street to buy it for a buck.


*Laundry:*
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.


*Eating Out:*
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.


*Locker Rooms*
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE!


*Mirrors:*
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.


*Menopause:*
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.


*The Phone:*
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.


*Cameras:*
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase disposable cameras and end up taking better pictures.


*Jewelry*
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.


*Leg Warmers*
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."


*Nicknames*
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Butt-head, Numbnuts, Short Stroke, and Worthless.


*Friends*
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"


*Restrooms*
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse them- selves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a rest- room will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

[MoparManJim]

  Dang man, I fall under the women's side more just as much as I do the mens side, what is up with that!       

An NO, I'm NOT gay either.. just thought I would say that before folks started to assume it or throw that at ME next!   

[tan top]

thats some funny stuff 

[Khyron]

Dang man, I fall under the women's side more just as much as I do the mens side, what is up with that!       

An NO, I'm NOT gay either.. just thought I would say that before folks started to assume it or throw that at ME next!   

ya Sally

[PocketThunder]

"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

[tan top]

"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

yeah hahaha that don't sound good