Senior Jokes

[Spike]

Garage Door



The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.



As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'



He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'



She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'





An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'





Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'





An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'





A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a go good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'



Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I . Let's go get a beer.'



A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split..

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[PocketThunder]

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I . Let's go get a beer.'

[chargergirl]

LMAO!
An older couple are trying to spark the romance so they have breakfast in the nude. Charlie the wife says...It's working I'm getting all hot and chilled at the same time. Charlie says, hunny. that's cause one boob is in the oatmeal and the other is on the grapefruit.

[noff57]

Old Timer Sex
>
>
>
>
> This is too funny to be dirty -
> enjoy!
> The husband leans over and asks his wife,
> 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over
> fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you
> leaned against the back fence and I made love to
> you.'
> 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it
> well.'
> 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a
> stroll around there again and we can do it for old
> time's sake?'
> 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a
> crazy, but good idea!'
> A police officer sitting in the next booth
> heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself,
> he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
> old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
> eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
>
> The elderly couple walks haltingly along,
> leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
> Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their
> way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old
> man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the
> old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most
> furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on
> for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
> moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting
> on the ground.
> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has
> learned something about life and old age that he didn't
> know.
> After about half an hour of lying on the ground
> recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put
> their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and
> thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to
> ask them what their secret is.
> So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
> 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've
> had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of
> secret to this?'
> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
> 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
> fence.'

[PocketThunder]

Old Timer Sex
>
> > 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
> fence.'

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

[chargergirl]

lmao...zzzzztttt!

[MoparManJim]

Old Timer Sex

> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
> 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
> fence.'

[Tilar]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

Ok, This situation seems familiar.