**Top Thirty Facts about Chuck Norris that You Never Knew**

[CFMopar]

**Top Thirty Facts about Chuck Norris that You Never Knew**

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all
three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on
their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips
from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show
clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if
your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been
known to last for up to 15 days

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who
just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck
Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and
roundhouse kicks them in the face.

I thought it was hella funny haha

[derailed]

  Those were pretty good

[SeattleCharger]

Very, very funny.  Holy jeez that was funny.   

[CFMopar]

My friend sent me these in an email.I lauged for a half hour

Apprently their is a Mr. T one


One is like
If a fool is in the woods and no one is around to pitty him... MR. T Would pitty him.

[DrHemi]

Someone sent this to me saying "Forget you, Chuck Norris. Vin Diesel is where it's at." Now I know where it came from. I was like why the hell is she talking about Chuck Norris.

1. When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.


2. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."


3. Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.


4. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.


5. There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. fuck you, team.


6. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.


7. When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.


8. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.


9. Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.


10. Vin Diesel was scheduled to be Stalone's stunt double in Rambo, but he was replaced after refusing to wearing a parachute when jumping from the plane.


11. Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.


12. Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.


13. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.


14. Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.


15. Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.


16. Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.


17. When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.


18. Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.


19. Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.


20. If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.


21. Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.


22. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.


23. You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.


24. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.


25. Vin Diesel can divide by zero.


26. On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.


27. Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.


28. Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.


29. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.


30. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

[CFMopar]

I've seen that list to hehe

[SeattleCharger]

  
      "Violence is my last option."
    
                            Chuck Norris
                            (03/10/1940 â€" )
                             US actor, kickboxer

[SeattleCharger]

     Look at this old pic of Chuck, he looks tough.

[CFMopar]

Thats why you dont F with chuck...

[PocketThunder]

chuck and charles bronson were "the man" back in my childhood in the 80's.