ONLY A MOPAR MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS.

[Bob]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse- sized tazer.. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised..
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best... .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was..

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs..
I had no control over the drooling.


Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone..
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!


P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[ZSmithersCharges]

  That reminds me of the time when me and my friends ran through the dog fence with the stupid little collars... those f'kers hurt 

[Tilar]

That's funny! And I cant imagine trying to put on one of those dog collars... If they will stop a 125 pound rottweiler, I'm not messin with it. 

[UFO]

 
Here's your sign.

[Khyron]

That's funny! And I cant imagine trying to put on one of those dog collars... If they will stop a 125 pound rottweiler, I'm not messin with it. 

I will pay cash money if that is the next rowdy video!

That one i'll actually watch!

[chargergirl]

I installed Dogwatch fencing...the one with the collars that beep then shock so my dogs could run freely without getting out on 2.5 acres. One night while the boys were up to no good they put one of the collars on their friend who normally wore larger "necklaces". The next morning they, 10 of the boys in my house got him excited about getting to school...he rushed out with the collar on and ZAP! Everyone was laughing but the kid that got zapped. Of course this would happen from time to time...but they all started to learn when you hear the beep...stop. They just took longer than the dogs to learn this. hehe!

[ZSmithersCharges]

I installed Dogwatch fencing...the one with the collars that beep then shock so my dogs could run freely without getting out on 2.5 acres. One night while the boys were up to no good they put one of the collars on their friend who normally wore larger "necklaces". The next morning they, 10 of the boys in my house got him excited about getting to school...he rushed out with the collar on and ZAP! Everyone was laughing but the kid that got zapped. Of course this would happen from time to time...but they all started to learn when you hear the beep...stop. They just took longer than the dogs to learn this. hehe!

Thats a good one... why didn't I ever think to try that on my friends when I was younger! That would have been frickin hilarious!

[ZSmithersCharges]

That's funny! And I cant imagine trying to put on one of those dog collars... If they will stop a 125 pound rottweiler, I'm not messin with it. 

I will pay cash money if that is the next rowdy video!

That one i'll actually watch!

Im in... but he cant just run through it... he has to stand in the zap zone 

[Landonsrt]

That was a very graphic short story! Too graphic to me. Dumbass.

[chargergirl]

I installed Dogwatch fencing...the one with the collars that beep then shock so my dogs could run freely without getting out on 2.5 acres. One night while the boys were up to no good they put one of the collars on their friend who normally wore larger "necklaces". The next morning they, 10 of the boys in my house got him excited about getting to school...he rushed out with the collar on and ZAP! Everyone was laughing but the kid that got zapped. Of course this would happen from time to time...but they all started to learn when you hear the beep...stop. They just took longer than the dogs to learn this. hehe!

Thats a good one... why didn't I ever think to try that on my friends when I was younger! That would have been frickin hilarious!

The only way I was able to get the boys to stop is by telling them, "if it happens again each of you will be trimming the 2.5 acres by hand". It stopped...nothing like the threat of truly hard labor to make them mind...oh and I also threatened to not cook...that really had their attention.

[Bob]

I installed Dogwatch fencing...the one with the collars that beep then shock so my dogs could run freely without getting out on 2.5 acres. One night while the boys were up to no good they put one of the collars on their friend who normally wore larger "necklaces". The next morning they, 10 of the boys in my house got him excited about getting to school...he rushed out with the collar on and ZAP! Everyone was laughing but the kid that got zapped. Of course this would happen from time to time...but they all started to learn when you hear the beep...stop. They just took longer than the dogs to learn this. hehe!

Thats a good one... why didn't I ever think to try that on my friends when I was younger! That would have been frickin hilarious!

The only way I was able to get the boys to stop is by telling them, "if it happens again each of you will be trimming the 2.5 acres by hand". It stopped...nothing like the threat of truly hard labor to make them mind...oh and I also threatened to not cook...that really had their attention.

"threatened to not cook"

That would get any mans attention. Quickly!

[beware the sleeper]

I did that when i was about 16 when my mom bought a tazer, pretty much same results except i got traped in her room for a minute cause every time i would touch the doorknob to get out i got a static zap, after about 5 times it went away though.   Smartest thing I ever did.

[Bob]

I did that when i was about 16 when my mom bought a tazer, pretty much same results except i got traped in her room for a minute cause every time i would touch the doorknob to get out i got a static zap, after about 5 times it went away though.   Smartest thing I ever did.

[Tilar]

That's funny! And I cant imagine trying to put on one of those dog collars... If they will stop a 125 pound rottweiler, I'm not messin with it. 

I will pay cash money if that is the next rowdy video!

That one i'll actually watch!

Haha same here. Put me down for a couple bucks 

[NorwayCharger]

  I would pay money to see that show live..

[chargergirl]

We just installed the same fencing...three collars no waiting...lol!

[ZSmithersCharges]

Just last week my girl friend had some guy stalking her on 5 different occasions during the day. When she went to go report it he had disappeared(don't they always). This scared the day lights out of me as I can't always be around obviously as I don't have the luxury of not working so this story came to mind.  I bought one of those little buggers and at 3 1/2 inches it doesn't look so bad almost like a toy.  I was even tempted to try what this guy did! Just kidding I'm not that stupid I learn from other peoples mistakes albeit funny ones. SO anyways I thought I'd just press the test fire button and let me tell you, this thing is loud and has a ridiculously visible shock that I would never attempt to try on myself, and at 1 million volts I could easily forsee what the future would hold for me and my underwear  .  Thanks to the poster of this story and thanks to the genius who decided to "self-test"   I can feel a little better during the day knowing that help for her is just 1 short press of a button away if this weirdo resurfaces.

P.S. Shes my girl friend of more than 2 years and we are talking marriage(when the moneys right). I would NEVER buy something like this for someone I didn't know fully because 1 she could turn out to be a phsyco(improbable but possible none the less) and 2 the most likely of the pair, she would probably use it on me  

[PocketThunder]

Just last week my girl friend had some guy stalking her on 5 different occasions during the day. When she went to go report it he had disappeared(don't they always). This scared the day lights out of me as I can't always be around obviously as I don't have the luxury of not working so this story came to mind.  I bought one of those little buggers and at 3 1/2 inches it doesn't look so bad almost like a toy.  I was even tempted to try what this guy did! Just kidding I'm not that stupid I learn from other peoples mistakes albeit funny ones. SO anyways I thought I'd just press the test fire button and let me tell you, this thing is loud and has a ridiculously visible shock that I would never attempt to try on myself, and at 1 million volts I could easily forsee what the future would hold for me and my underwear  .  Thanks to the poster of this story and thanks to the genius who decided to "self-test"   I can feel a little better during the day knowing that help for her is just 1 short press of a button away if this weirdo resurfaces.

P.S. Shes my girl friend of more than 2 years and we are talking marriage(when the moneys right). I would NEVER buy something like this for someone I didn't know fully because 1 she could turn out to be a phsyco(improbable but possible none the less) and 2 the most likely of the pair, she would probably use it on me  

P.P.S.  Dont wait till the money is right to get married.  Money will never right a marriage.     Make sure the potential bride is not crazy and you should be ok.  Ofcourse, no man ever finds this out untill after its too late..  D'oh!   

[Bob]

Just last week my girl friend had some guy stalking her on 5 different occasions during the day. When she went to go report it he had disappeared(don't they always). This scared the day lights out of me as I can't always be around obviously as I don't have the luxury of not working so this story came to mind.  I bought one of those little buggers and at 3 1/2 inches it doesn't look so bad almost like a toy.  I was even tempted to try what this guy did! Just kidding I'm not that stupid I learn from other peoples mistakes albeit funny ones. SO anyways I thought I'd just press the test fire button and let me tell you, this thing is loud and has a ridiculously visible shock that I would never attempt to try on myself, and at 1 million volts I could easily forsee what the future would hold for me and my underwear  .  Thanks to the poster of this story and thanks to the genius who decided to "self-test"   I can feel a little better during the day knowing that help for her is just 1 short press of a button away if this weirdo resurfaces.

P.S. Shes my girl friend of more than 2 years and we are talking marriage(when the moneys right). I would NEVER buy something like this for someone I didn't know fully because 1 she could turn out to be a phsyco(improbable but possible none the less) and 2 the most likely of the pair, she would probably use it on me  

P.P.S.  Dont wait till the money is right to get married.  Money will never right a marriage.     Make sure the potential bride is not crazy and you should be ok.  Ofcourse, no man ever finds this out untill after its too late..  D'oh!   

As soon as the ring is finished sliding down the finger.

[Khyron]

Wedding cake brings on the crazys !!!!!!

[ZSmithersCharges]

You guys give me so much hope 

[PocketThunder]

You guys give me so much hope 

We're on the outside looking in my friend...  If only we would have listened to our elders!        

Oh and like Krylon said, dont let her eat the wedding cake!!       

[Khyron]

You guys give me so much hope 

Call Cody, get to Canada, never look back