Dear friends.....

[Spike]

Dear friends,

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me
feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern: 

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no
longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the
rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing
deodorants even though I smell like water buffalo on a hot day. I no
longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French
and don't support our American troops. I no longer answer the phone
because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get
the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain
will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer
date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me
taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers-but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike. I no  longer buy expensive cookies from
Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my
soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St Theresa's
novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE did not mention it  works that way!) I no
longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to
die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooo
much for looking out for me! I will now return the  favor. If you don't
send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large
bird with diarrhea will poop on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and
the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a
friend.