Who here doesn't like Chuck Norris?

[jb666]

If so, you'd best keep it quiet. Chuck Norris can kill you in his sleep.

Check out the new shirt I got!!

[bull]

I don't really like Chuck at all...

[71bigblock]

lol, great shirt!  I was Chuck for Halloween this year.  

[jb666]

 

Bull, you'd better watch out.. Chuck might just pay you a visit in your sleep.

[CB]

I like Chuck from Vegas but I doubt it he would kick my @ss... or would he
CB

[skip68]

    I like Chuck.     Chuck..........

[jb666]

    I like Chuck.     Chuck..........

We could have a Chuck VS Chuck celebrity death match.

[skip68]

    I'm glad I'm a fast runner.      I just hope he's not.

[jb666]

   I'm glad I'm a fast runner.      I just hope he's not.

Chuck doesn't run , he flies.

[Big_John]

[dkn1997]

When Chuck Norris goes swimming, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris

If you have 5 dollars and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, he has more money than you

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

[quapman]

Chuck's a Schmuck.

[Charger-Bodie]

Chuck Norris is most certainly not a "Schmuck" 

[WingCharger]

Don't bad mouth, he's watching...

[vancamp]

whats the hubbub about chuck norris,did I missed something along the way, I see these threads on almost every site.

[jb666]

whats the hubbub about chuck norris,did I missed something along the way, I see these threads on almost every site.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f-----g Indian.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.


Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the heck down.


Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."


Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.


Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.


Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.


The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.


When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.


Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.


When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.



Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.


Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"


Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord


Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.


Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times


China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.


Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about


If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.


Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus' birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.


When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.


Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.


Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty


Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.


Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.


Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.


Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.


If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the heck down


Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.


Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.


Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.


A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.


Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.


Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.


Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds

[jb666]

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"


Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.


Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.


Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.


Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.


Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.


Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.


If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.


When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.


Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.


Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.


God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.


When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.


Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.


A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.


Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.


Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.


Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.


If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.


Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.


Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.


If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

[jb666]

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.


Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.


Chuck Norris invented water.


Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.


Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"


One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.


Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.


Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.


Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.


Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.


In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.


Chuck Norris isn't lactose intolerant. He just doesn't put up with lactose's shit.


Chuck Norris doesn't eat. Rather he kicks ass until he's full.


Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what "his way" detailed, he replied: "with barbed wire and nails, of course". He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.


Chuck Norris never "gets laid", rather: "laid gets Chuck".


Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying "there isn't enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member". He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.


Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.


When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."


Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.


When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.


On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."


Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.


There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.


Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.


Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.


Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.


Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".


Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.


Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.


Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.


Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

[WingCharger]

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the heck down.

[bull]

Bull, you'd better watch out.. Chuck might just pay you a visit in your sleep.

Like the Burger King does?

[mikepmcs]

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

CLASSIC!

I have a  pretty long video, that I filmed, of Chuck Norris back in my early days at Miramar.  He was going bouncing on the NIMITZ in one of our show birds. Got his autograph as well, which everyone in the Squadron was told not to ask for .  He actually just looked at the paper and it appeared.

I tried to email Him last year asking if he wanted a copy of the tape or the original tape itself.  You guessed it, He round house kicked me in the face from Ryan, Oklahoma.

It's a fact that Chuck Norris can actually round house kick you yesterday.

[Manfred318]

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down

Wow Mike you met the almighty Chuck

[mikepmcs]

I did and I've been living on borrowed time ever since.

[BB1]

 

http://www.jokeroo.com/funnyvideos/chuck_norris_family_guy.html

[Manfred318]

I did and I've been living on borrowed time ever since.

[C_stripes]

This thread makes me literally laugh out loud   

[nh_mopar_fan]

I dunno.

Chuck vs Jack Bauer would be too close to call.

[mikepmcs]

Blasphemy!   Not even in the same league.  Matter of fact I'm sure Carlos Ray Norris is listed in the credits of 24 as the main filming advisor and I'm pretty sure the "Film Advisory Board" works for Him. 

All round house kicks to the face will be cleared and judged solely by Chuck Himself, and when they are incorrect, Chuck will react harshly and demonstrate by, yup, round house kicking the actor in the face.

I'm a huge Kiefer and Donald Sutherland fan by the way.

[PocketThunder]

whats the hubbub about chuck norris,did I missed something along the way, I see these threads on almost every site.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

        I can re-read everyone of these over the years and they are still just as funny as the first time.

[mikepmcs]

I know, I was laughing so hard last night, I was crying.

[Back N Black]

I would like to see Chuck Norris kick Bo Dukes A$$. 

[Foreman72]

chuck norris killed 2 stones with one bird...thats my favorite
chuck norris is the reason Waldo is hiding...

[Old Moparz]

I have no fear that Chuck will ever bother me, I used to hear from a lot of people that I looked liked him. Even had one drunk guy on the subway in NYC keep asking me to karate chop something.   

But that was long before I went gray.   

[Back N Black]

I have no fear that Chuck will ever bother me, I used to hear from a lot of people that I looked liked him. Even had one drunk guy on the subway in NYC keep asking me to karate chop something.   

But that was long before I went gray.   

So, which one is Chuck? the one on the left or right?

[PocketThunder]

I have no fear that Chuck will ever bother me, I used to hear from a lot of people that I looked liked him. Even had one drunk guy on the subway in NYC keep asking me to karate chop something.   

But that was long before I went gray.   

So, which one is Chuck? the one on the left or right?

I cant tell?     Are you guys the same age?  Maybe you were separated at birth?

Carlos Ray Norris
Born March 10, 1940 (age 68)

[my73charger]

I like and totally respect Chuck.

[Mopar2Ya]

01
   Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

04
   If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
05
   Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

07
   Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
08
   Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
09
   They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
10
   A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

[Foreman72]

chuck norris counted to infinity...twice

[mikepmcs]

couple screen grabs from my tape.  The gentleman in Khaki in the one picture was my Skipper at the time, Mike"Wizard" McCabe, who is pretty famous in his own right.
He went on to make Admiral and was in the documentary.... Danger Zone: The Making of 'Top Gun'
He's not famous for just that though.

My buddy(Scott Neice ) that was up on the wing with me, went down and talked to Chuck and that's why he was waving to me.  Pretty cool stuff.

Wow, I just pulled up some history on ADM McCabe.  He did some really neat stuff further on in his career.

Here's a little snippet from an article.....(the first reason he's well known in the Navy Fighter Community)

The first Tomcat deployment was to Southeast Asia in Enterprise to cover the U.S. withdrawal from South Vietnam. The first two operational Tomcat squadrons were a veritable who's who of future Naval Aviation leaders. Future Flag Officers Jack Dantone and Marty "Streak" Chanik were in VF-1, and next door in VF-2 were Mike "Wizard" McCabe and Lyle "Ho Chi" Bien. The North Vietnamese MiGs chose not to tangle with the new F-14s and except for one bird hit by 37mm AA, the evacuation air cover was unmolested.

[jb666]

I would like to see Chuck Norris kick Bo Dukes A$$. 

Chuck could round-house Bo back to 1978.

[1969chargerrtse]

I like Chuck from Vegas but I doubt it he would kick my @ss... or would he
CB

Hey CB, I love the picture of your 69 383 car.  I love the white stripe and poverty caps.  Any chance you can post a picture or 2?  Also a interior shot of the 4 spd.  It just stands out different than most. 

[1969chargerrtse]

Chuck's a Schmuck.

Oh, your in big trouble.

[jb666]

Chuck's a Schmuck.

Oh, your in big trouble.

I don't think we'll be hearing from him again

[mikepmcs]

Chuck Norris once lined up in the shotgun-formation, only to be narrowly sacked by the opposing defensive end, Chuck Norris. Never the less, after throwing the Hail-Chuck Norris to All-Pro Wideout, Chuck Norris, notorious Cornerback, Chuck Norris, out of the University of Chuck Norris located in Walker, Texas, intercepted the football. John Madden was so confused, he ate Al Michaels.

[WingCharger]

 

[TheGhost]

I have no fear that Chuck will ever bother me, I used to hear from a lot of people that I looked liked him. Even had one drunk guy on the subway in NYC keep asking me to karate chop something.   

But that was long before I went gray.   

So, which one is Chuck? the one on the left or right?

Check the beards.  The real Chuck Norris has a fist behind his beard.

[rav440]

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the heck down.