Teenagers....

[Old Moparz]

As I am close to that age, I would say im 90% sure it was a joke.   A lot of dumb conversation like that goes on, I don't really know why...And even if it wasn't, theres still the chance that she was not indicating him as the potential father.

I know it would be very offending to me if I found something like that on our computer, knowing that my parents didn't trust me.

I have to disagree & say I don't think it was a joke, teens have been known to have sex & get pregnant. I also think most people who have commented on this, understood that the boy who had the message pop up from the girl is not the potential father. With that in mind, & knowing it wasn't him, the problem is that it's someone else he knows, hangs out with, or is friends with. This makes it nh_mopar_fan's problem since his 14 year old son is at risk. Yeah, I know that not every kid is going to do the same thing as someone else, but the potential is there.

Anyone who's a father, or even just older than 14, were all that age at one time & have been in identical situations. Years go by, times change somewhat, but people don't, & guys still have the same basic feelings towards girls. They want to jump their bones the first chance they get. Advice will vary from one person to the next, & the type needed should be based on an individual & how they react to a situation. (Including the parent & son or daughter.)

Some will be offended by having a spy program in the computer, & some won't. Already several people stated they don't want it & would be upset if it was put there. I still feel that I was honest when I posted earlier that I didn't feel violated when I had my things sifted through by my father. Sure it sucked that he found what I had tried to hide, but I dealt with it. There are much worse scenarios that can happen & they do. Life is full of shit sandwiches, you just have to get really good bread to make taste a little better.

I knew a guy in high school that partied with his father, & I mean they smoked pot, drank, & shared what they had. Back then, this kid was 16 & was someone who a few others thought was "cool" because of this. I wasn't sure I believed this except I happened to be at their house for a party once when his old man walked in with a bottle of Jägermeister & poured some shots.      He also smoked pot that someone passed around & acted like a moron. I felt awkward & had absolutely no respect for this jackass or his son.

The kid never amounted to much the last time I saw him about 10 years after we graduated. He was still hanging out in front of a convenience store bumming cigarettes form anyone he knew. I'd also be willing to bet his dad didn't give him any kind of good advice about what to do, or not do, as far as preventing a girl from getting pregnant. He's probably the guy who'd hit on his son's girlfriend when his son ain't around & say she was fair game because he wasn't there.

Back to the problem posted, it ain't lack of trust as much as looking out for someone. A 14 year old went out & bought the computer to make it his? I would think it was bought for him. If I am giving something to my own kid (Like a computer tied to the internet) I'm making sure it has rules, spy program or whatever else to go with it.

[69_500]

I say that your right on track with wanting to know what else is going on in your son's life.

I don't think its wrong to use spyware to see either. Your responsible for your sons actions until he is no longer a minor and is an adult. Up to that point I say use whatever it takes to keep an eye on  them. I would have no problem snooping on my children when they grow up. I know my parents looked in all my "private" stuff when I was growing up. Sometimes it made me mad, but in the long run it made me respect them more. I respect them for wanting to know what I was up to, and for keeping an eye on me and keeping me in line.

[Charger_Fan]

Plus I was relieved to know that he liked girls. 

That's exactly what a guy at work said after I told him my kid melted down our first computer surfing porn! I guess that was the silver lining to my problem.

[Ponch ®]

  Now at 52 he's a drug addict who's life revolves around his Harley, sleazy bars, and a string of white trash girlfriends.

with the exception of the drug thing, sounds like he's got it going on.

[nh_mopar_fan]

Well, after thinking it over, I think that in addition to the heart to heart that I am going to have with him about the message that popped up on the screen, I am going to tell him that I am loading this software on the laptop (which I did buy for him). I am going to tell him that it's not that we don't trust him but we want to be aware of what else may be happening especially with the pervs and scumbags that are out there looking for unsuspecting kids.

[cudaken]

we want to be aware of what else may be happening especially with the pervs and scumbags that are out there looking for unsuspecting kids.

More than likely the best way to go.


                                   Ken

[psykicpup]

 Maybe its just that he is the sort of person this girl could talk to - not having seen the whole conversation you might be taking it out of context-ie her parents might have had an over the top go at her for something and she was saying 'well its not like i've done something stupid & got pregnant' or maybe she was taken advantage of or raped or was just silly & has now learned her mistake - I'm sure if your son was at all worried he might be a daddy he would have stuck around for an answer!
Having said that I would mention what happened - if you want them to be honest....etc- and use that to start talking about what you saw & how worried you are - as I said it may be that he is a good Agony Aunt/Uncle
The amount of times I could have over reacted to overheard comments with my son & daughter!!! theyre 20 & 18 by the way - I've learnt best to find out the whole story before even thinking  lol

[2Gunz]

A few points here....

Most 14 year old kids know a hell of alot about computers. So installing it and hoping he doesnt find it isnt very realistic.
Reguardless if it claims to be undetectable or whatever.

Telling him you are installing it is just going to make him "break" it so he can turn it on and off when he wants and let you think you have the inside scoop. Or its just going to drive the conversations to a different medium.

And lets face it do you REALLY want to know EXACTLY what hes up to?   You really wanna know that little Suzie around the corner is giving him head? I doubt it.

Some things you NEED to know about. Drugs is a big thing, but just knowing your son and his friends will give you all the clues you need for that one. Sex is the other, but lets face it..... hes not going to stop just because you said so.

Anyway...................

My father dealt with me in an interesting way, and it worked.

He told me than ANYTHING I came to him about I would be fine and he would help me with.

But if I lied to him, or he found out anything from anybody but me, there would be hell to pay.

When I would get in a jam I would go to him, and he keep his word, he never got mad and aways helped me.

I have a huge amount of respect for him because of that.

And if you have respect and TRUST, what else ya need?

See a theme here  . 

Let your kind be a kid. They make mistakes they need to. It part of growing up.

Just keep him away from the big ones.

[Stormhammer]

my two cents on this - dont exactly sit him down - just be like " yea last night when I was on your laptop you accidentally left your AIM up, one of your buddies IM'd saying she wasn't pregnant" just be VERY casual about it. Just be like " yea its a little weird that people your age are doing that stuff " dont be so dead on serious about it with him because he isnt the one boning the chick - plus its AIM - for all you know it could very literally be just an online buddy - the one where you've met online and only chat online - so it could all be farse ( trust me, when I was that age alot of girls would pull that sort of stupid crap just to get attention - and I'm 18 so it wasnt that long ago )

oh and yea - you put spyware program on there - he'll find it within hours and crack it open and erase and prolly uninstall it within the end of the day without so much a thought


so just take into account it IS the internet - ask him if the person is someone just over the internet or if he really knows - if he really knows then just be like what I stated above about the weird and saying like its shame she didnt wait - if its someone he met over the internet then its about 97% bull

[2fast4u]

Funny this should come up on this board about now....we've been through this just recently ourselves...not to the tee...but!!  Wanna know how we handled it!?  Yeah I thought as you...."Spyware!!!"  "Watch what they're up to!!"    Then we took one step back and looked at our kids and asked ourselves...."Do we trust them?"   Yes!    So we informed them of what was right and wrong as to the best of our abilities.....as well as keeping a close eye on their behavior over all and simply "talked" more "with" them!   Not "to" them!   The more they feel like you are respecting their space and their ability to make better choices the more open they will be with you....granted you won't know "every" secret......everyone has secrets.   But you will feel better as time goes by...depending on the kid of course!
    Just be ready to pull on the reins when needed to keep them out of trouble thats obvious..... to let them know your "still" the parents.
conversation is the best tool you've got and getting involved in parts...not all...of their life is the second best tool if they're good kids to begin with!

  Maybe this'll help...

2fast

[Stormhammer]

^^^ you just put what I tried to say in better and more understandable "parent" like words lol

[nh_mopar_fan]

We talked yesterday. I told him that I was on his laptop the other night and the message came up and what was up with her. I know this girl, I have met her. He said that yeah, she and his friend Ryan had had sex and she was worried. We spoke about what the implications were of having sex at this point in his life and how some mistakes you pay for for a very long time.

After we had spoken about that, I told him I was loading the software. Told him that we trust him abd that he'sa godd kid it wasn't to spy on him but that there are sites that he shouldn't be on at his age and there are a lot of pervs and predators out there and we need to know what is happening. He bitched and complained. We went out to dinner (it was my b-day yesterday) and he was really quiet for a while.

We had a nice dinner and when we got back he said "Dad, I understand about the software. It's ok with me."

Now, here's a question, would you tell the parents of the girl what is going on? I don't want to get into the middle of this but I feel like I should tell them with the understanding that they cannot say that it came from me. Is is being naive to think that I could remain anonymous?

[Old Moparz]

That's a tougher question than the first one since it isn't your kid. It could go over as no big deal, or the parents would be thankful, or they already knew, or it can blow up in your face. Not knowing them, I'd have to say it's a judgement call for you based on how they might react to it. I kind of doubt you'll be anonymous since your son knows that you know, your son knows that the girl knows, & when she brings up that her parents said something, they'll both figure out that you said something. Ask yourself if that would bother you.

Might as well ask which baseball team is better, the Red Sox or the Yankees. 

[triple_green]

Make sure he understands your "values". Make sure you talk to him, and make it wasy for him to talk to you. We do our best to try and discourage "unwise" friends.

It is hard because there is so many people on AIM. You can't really control it other than to shut it down.


Food for thought: Values are caught not taught.

3X

[Stormhammer]

We had a nice dinner and when we got back he said "Dad, I understand about the software. It's ok with me."

Now, here's a question, would you tell the parents of the girl what is going on? I don't want to get into the middle of this but I feel like I should tell them with the understanding that they cannot say that it came from me. Is is being naive to think that I could remain anonymous?

yea but he's still gonna try to find a way around it 

about the girl... thats really a tough decision - straight up - you couldn't remain anonymous. I want to say that you should tell them, but yet - the girl is their responsibility etc - but as an idea... if you ever run into them ( maybe somehow "accidentally" run into them ) just bring up how " yea, I was on my sons laptop the other night and some random person his age IMd saying she wasn't pregnant - man it makes me worry about our kids these days and what they do or see" then just go on nonchalantly on how you had a talk with him and installed the program with his okay just to keep tabs and protect him. But dont hint that the girl is theres. High chance that the next time they see her they might also sit her down and have a sex talk with her... which will more than likely scare her enough that she wont do anything ( as in continue? ) as least for awhile. I mean - telling the parents, all its going to do is create problems, severe mistrust, and drama - and it wont change a thing

[2Gunz]

Maybe they already know.  And maybe they are fine with it.  Then what? Just something to think about.

[2fast4u]

  ....my advice about the girl!   an adult female should be the one to befriend her and talk to her about what's going on........it would have to be a girl that this girl could get to know and trust......"if" the girls parents don't know....then maybe she would want to keep it that way!

   it's a very touchy subject for this girl and she doen't want just anybody to know whats going on in her private life.....for that matter.....the adult in that paticular conversation wouldn't have to disclose what she knows....just being a caring close friend would be a plus!

   and don't forget....the generation gap "does" make a difference....the closer to her kind of world the better and more of a chance that maybe she'll talk about "yay, I'm not pregnant!" to who is talking to her!  Who knows...if her parents don't allready know....she just might tell them herself if she's a smart enough kid!

    Let's be realistic.......even you thought about sex when you were that age.....times change and we have to evolve with the times and deal with it!

   By the way.....good job with your son!

2fast

[NHCharger]

Bob's right.Your second question is tougher than the first. Don't know if there is a right answer to that one. I'm going to ask my 16 y.o. son when he gets home tonight.

On a related subject. My wife was getting her hair cut the other day and overheard the lady next to her complaining about her 17y.o. daughter. "Well, my daughter is pregnant again, this time she's keeping the baby, my husband is so stupid he thought she was getting fat from all the Big Mac's she was eating and told her to lay off the junk food".

[NHCharger]

Well I asked my son about this, he wasn't sure either. He asked a couple of his on line female friends and they both said it's none of your business, of course I already knew that was going to be their answer.
Back in the 70's when I was a teenager most of us lost our virginity during high school or shortly thereafter. It's just the way things are these days, you just have to hope that your kid's are smart enough to make the right decision. I have pounded it into my sons heads that women are the root of all evil,so far it has worked.

[AKcharger]

Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were trusted by their parents who didn't monitor their internet use and heed their warnings..."Trust but verify"

[Arthu®]

Ok I am still kinda an teenager at 19 but here's my view on if you should tell the girl's parents or not. I would say don't, because first of all you don't know how much is true. At that age sex is a thing to brag about (for some persons that remains the rest of their lives) but anyways it could easily be that it never happend. And you probably know the 14 year old girls, most of them will do anything for attention.

Arthur

[nh_mopar_fan]

Maybe they already know.  And maybe they are fine with it.  Then what? Just something to think about.

Then they're morons and I will think long and hard before I let my kid go over to their house.

[The Mad Scientist]

As for your son.  Excellent bit of parenting!!!

As for the girl's parents...  Maybe you can drop a few hints and further hint at places they can look for more info on their daughter without you telling them.  Then when their daughter blows up and says "WHO TOLD?"  they can say, we found *insert piece of evidence here* in your room, and we talked to *insert boyfriend's name here*'s parents.  Blah Blah Blah...  Lots of people like gossiping.  Teens especially.  I'm sure there's crap her folks could dig up easily if they're concerned at all about her (and possibly their grandson/daughter)

[Andrew]

14 year old girls say a whole lot of BS just to get attention (I should know, Im a 15 year old boy) some of the more interesting greetings Iv had from girls on MSN are

Im pregnant

Im not pregnant

Im gonna tell sam Im pregnant to scare him

Iv broken up with my boyfriend

I got back together with my boyfriend

Im a nun

Im the queen

Im god

I am gene simmons

I am satan, hear me roar.

I have 7 fingers.

I woke up this morning and my head was missing, I wonder if i left on the bus.

My house burnt down last night


As you may be able to tell, Almost all of this is BS, which is why i ushually answer with "I dont care"



Also, your son will get around the spyware, even if it says it is un-breakable, he will find a way around it.

[nh_mopar_fan]

We'll see about the spyware. This claims to be totally invisible. It will not show up anywhere. The only way to access it is to click 4 keys together which you would never click together and then enter a password.

the best part, I do not need to get on his laptop to get a report. It will email me a report as often as I choose.