Teenagers....

[nh_mopar_fan]

So my son is 14. I am on his laptop reading my email after he's gone to bed and he apparently left his AIM IM up.

Up pops this message from a 14 yr old girl who is a friend of his (not girlfriend):

"Yay, I'm not pregnant!"

WTF!

Today, I am picking up this:

http://www.netbus.org/surveillance-software.html

Loading it on his laptop without him knowing about it and against his mother's wishes. She thinks that he needs his privacy!

What would you do?

[Old Moparz]

I'd do exactly what you're doing. Privacy or not, he's a minor & your responsibility. Wouldn't it be nice to have a baby shower & a prom at the same time? That would save a lot of reservation hassles.

[4402tuff4u]

I would probably speak to him one on one. You dont have to reveal to him how you found out what's going on but tell him that you know. I would just tell him that he has to be responsible for his actions and that you have always been open/straight with him and you would like him to be the same with you. Tell him that some of those actions and choices he makes in life can really screw up his future. Tell him that the stuff he thinks about, including girls, you have already thought about when you were his age and that you use to discuss it with your father. Maybe that will open him up a bit for the discussion. The spy thing I think it's a bit to drastic at this point in time, unless other stuff has been going on that can harm him or others.

I'm amazed of what kids (11 yrs and up) are doing nowadays. I thought I was having fun in my teen years. Nowadays is way out line of stuff you hear. I have two daughters, one is 11 and the other is 10. That is going to be my hell when the boys start coming around - already started! Time to bring out the deer mounts in the living room and point at the deer heads when the boys are around and say "I was not pissed at them!!!!"   

[nh_mopar_fan]

I don't envy the parents of girls.

I just have to worry about 1 dick. You have to worry about all of them.

I plan on speaking with him. I already had the talk and bought him a book a couple years ago that he was supposed to read as well in case he felt uncomfortable asking certain questions.

[Orange_Crush]

I don't envy the parents of girls.

I just have to worry about 1 dick. You have to worry about all of them.

I plan on speaking with him. I already had the talk and bought him a book a couple years ago that he was supposed to read as well in case he felt uncomfortable asking certain questions.

Look NH, you've always seemed like a pretty smart guy to me so I'm sure you're doing a decent job of raising your own kids, but I think you're making a mistake.

Has your son ever given you a reason not to trust him?

Teenagers talk a lot of shit my friend.  You know...you were one once and I'm sure you remember what it was like.  Ha'f the stuff that comes out of a teenage girl's mouth is usually BS. 

Its a tough time for him and if he finds out you're spying on him (and I'm sure his computer knowledge is light years ahead of yours) he will NEVER forgive you.  No matter what your intentions were or whether or no you had his best interest at heart.  Are you willing to take that risk?

Its different if you know your kid is up to no good, but if you have a generally good kid there, there is no reason for you to go invading his privacy and potentially hurt your relationship in the process.

[RD]

Look NH, you've always seemed like a pretty smart guy to me so I'm sure you're doing a decent job of raising your own kids, but I think you're making a mistake.

Has your son ever given you a reason not to trust him?

Teenagers talk a lot of shit my friend.   You know...you were one once and I'm sure you remember what it was like.   Ha'f the stuff that comes out of a teenage girl's mouth is usually BS.  

Its a tough time for him and if he finds out you're spying on him (and I'm sure his computer knowledge is light years ahead of yours) he will NEVER forgive you.   No matter what your intentions were or whether or no you had his best interest at heart.   Are you willing to take that risk?

Its different if you know your kid is up to no good, but if you have a generally good kid there, there is no reason for you to go invading his privacy and potentially hurt your relationship in the process.

I agree with OC on this, unless your child has been habitual with deviant behavior, I would not jump the gun on this one.  I would explain to him exactly what happened and that it did worry you some and then put the ball in his court.  State that you are only telling him this because you feel he is growing up and is able to maturely handle this type of conversation.  Ask him how he feels and give him an ample opportunity to reply.

Now is the time for open conversations and the progress to such conversations.  If he finds out that you are spying on him, you will break his trust of you.  You know you want him to trust and respect you, well those are two-way streets.

I hope you decide on what is best for your situation.  No matter what, just stay consistent.

[Dale The Bold]

The girl just said she wasn't pregnant, she said nothing of who the potential father was.  All this shows is that he talks with at least one girl who is "easy."

[Shakey]

There is some very intelligent information in this thread.  And I am not being sarcastic.  I am a relatively new Father, my only Child so far, a Daughter, will be 2 at the end of February and I am already thinking on how to be a good parent and friend as we grow as a family, with a stress on being a parent first!

I don't know if I can really add anything here but I would figure trust is the most important part of the relationship.  Let me try - As I type this, I would think talking with your Son first would be the right move.  Hint that you know about what is "going down" these days (most likely the broad that sent him the e-mail  ) and that you and him need to talk on a regular basis as you can help him get through these tricky times, the teen years.  Remember, you have done this already!  If he starts to ask about how you know about this girl and the pregnancy scare, never let on - you are a Father and just elude to the fact that you have your sources.  He will forever wonder about how you know things.

Good luck - make it work!

[nh_mopar_fan]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

This is a tough one for me.

[bluesfool]

Since we are responsible for the actions of our underage kids, I agree it is necessary for each of us to stay aware of what our kids are doing. However, spying on them and violating each other's trust is a serious issue, one which in my opinion should only be taken as a last resort. Definitely, have a talk with him and let him know the responsibilities (and possible repercussions) of having sex at such an early age. This is not a time to lose your temper (not always the easiest thing to do, I KNOW), but stay calm and educate him on what can happen. I'm in the same position you are; except my teen is 16.

[Brock Samson]

 I agree,..  talk to him for sure, but spyware is not called for in this instance.. goodluck with all that!

[The Mad Scientist]

He will forever wonder about how you know things.

Up untill the girl in question lets him know she's already told him...   Or something like that.  

I agree with those that say just because he talks to her doesn't mean he was going to be the babydaddy.   If he's known her long enough and they're just open with eachother I'm sure that an event like not being pregnant at 14 would make a girl want to scream it at the top of her lungs to any friend she could find.   for a 14 year old girl...   Talk about a "WHEW!!!" moment

Also maybe she's never had sex in her life before and she just has a wierd sense of humor.  I dunno. 

Honesty is the best policy.  my $.02 is that if you can elude to your son you have any kind of "been there done that" that might be even close to applicable then he'd be more willing to spill his guts.  Speaking as a former teenager.  Unless my old man told me something interesting I wouldn't say anything interesting...  But every father/son is different and maybe the spyware is warranted.  I dunno.  I'm just giving food for thought.

[nh_mopar_fan]

I know for a fact that it's not him that's been boinking with her. That wasn't my concern.

I was more concerned that we're dealing with this at this age and what else do I not know about.

[Old Moparz]

I should add that talking is part of staying on top of what you have to do as a parent. If it looks as though I'm jumping on the bandwagon, then so be it. I know I never had any trouble talking to my own parents & they didn't make me feel uncomfortable when I did. As far as the privacy issue goes, at 14 years old he'll get over it. I had some "smoking paraphernalia" when I was 15 or 16 that my father discovered. I know for a fact he was snooping when he found it because it was inside an old radio that was hollowed out. It never bothered me that I knew he was looking, hunting, spying, or whatever you want to call it, & I didn't lose any respect for him.

I would think there will be a lot of issues that won't be discussed for various reasons during the time you live with, & raise your kids. I know there were things I never brought up & things I was never asked about. Unfortunately there are a lot of important issues that won't be brought up at all. If they are, it might be after the fact & too late by then. We have all done some stupid things, & if you're typing & reading on here, you managed to survive them by being lucky or learning from it. Maybe if parents "spied" more often, a lot of kids in trouble, in jail, or becoming parents would be better off.

I don't think it's disrespectful to want to know what they are doing, & if spyware programs can help deter something that may alter their life for years, then that's good. This has nothing to do with big brother, losing rights, or anything close to that. This is about a parent who is legally & morally responsible to take care of someone who isn't old enough, or wise enough, to take care of themselves. Teens may think they know it all, (I felt that way many times) but they're naive & ignorant in most cases. My daughter is only 6 & smarter than I realize at times, so when she's a teen I'll have my hands full. I know I will do whatever I have to to make sure she will know how to take care of herself when she's on her own. I don't plan on being a tyrant or the strictest parent because mine weren't & I feel they did okay

I hope.

[Charger_Fan]

I agree with these guys, I'd definitely have a talk with him & hopefully he'll confide in you honestly. Your relationship will grow a little stronger as a result.

However, I'd still put the parental program on there...but tell him you're putting it on there. The internet is too big of a toy to let go unsupervised. That's the equivalent of storing porn videos one shelf higher than the Disney videos & telling them to stay out, those are for grown-ups.
It really depends on the kid though, some are honest & respectful of parent's wishes & some aren't (I have one of each). A tool like this will only help him to choose wisely while he surfs the internet, because the little voice telling him to stay away from the bad stuff will be a little louder.

When my oldest boy (a defiant little putz to this day) started internet surfing, we didn't have a parental program installed. With the help of a couple of his school buddies, he ended up downloading some massive virus & smoked our computer...and then, the horse was outta the barn.

[RD]

I agree with these guys, I'd definitely have a talk with him & hopefully he'll confide in you honestly. Your relationship will grow a little stronger as a result.

However, I'd still put the parental program on there...but tell him you're putting it on there. The internet is too big of a toy to let go unsupervised. That's the equivalent of storing porn videos one shelf higher than the Disney videos & telling them to stay out, those are for grown-ups.
It really depends on the kid though, some are honest & respectful of parent's wishes & some aren't (I have one of each). A tool like this will only help him to choose wisely while he surfs the internet, because the little voice telling him to stay away from the bad stuff will be a little louder.

When my oldest boy (a defiant little putz to this day) started internet surfing, we didn't have a parental program installed. With the help of a couple of his school buddies, he ended up downloading some massive virus & smoked our computer...and then, the horse was outta the barn.

good points on installing the program anyway as a preventive device

[Ponch ®]

I'm no parent (to the best of my knowledge  ), but here are my 2 ¢:

You can load up all the spyware you want, but if you're not going to talk to him about it, whatever information you gather won't be good for shit. You're better off talking to him one on one..man to man (not man to child) and telling him exactly what happened ("I wasn't trying to spy on you, but the IM popped up and I saw it"), then ask him what's going on, etc. Like someone else already said - let him know that you trust him to know how to be responsible. If you don't talk to him in a "do as I say" condescending manner, in the future he might feel more comfortable approaching you to talk.

[THE CHARGER PUNK]

me being 16 so relatively the same age i can say this chick was probably being just humourous i have aim and msn and have had many weird responses if u want to to have a chat with him i could do it and get the low-down on wtfs goin on-MATT

[TruckDriver]

I'd do exactly what you're doing. Privacy or not, he's a minor & your responsibility. Wouldn't it be nice to have a baby shower & a prom at the same time? That would save a lot of reservation hassles.

That's the problem with a lot of todays youth and their parents. Parents are to easy going and don't get involved with there kids enough or punish them when needed. Hence teen violence, drug use, sex, date rape, etc.

[mustanghater]

  I'm in the young parent generation.

[Charger_Fan]

I'm in the young parent generation.

Will you still be there when you get older?

[dkn1997]

Rubbers......enough said.

[71Charger500]

As I am close to that age, I would say im 90% sure it was a joke.  A lot of dumb conversation like that goes on, I don't really know why...And even if it wasn't, theres still the chance that she was not indicating him as the potential father.

I know it would be very offending to me if I found something like that on our computer, knowing that my parents didn't trust me.

[cudaken]

 nh_mopar_fan , tuff call on this one being a teenage boy onces.

First, we lie if we think we are going to get yelled at and that is a given. I know I did,"honst Dad I did not do a burn out in the Runner".

Then we lie to are friends. Yea I did some drilling last night and laid some pipe". Most E-mails could read like your son was getting more than you.

Being honest only go so far these day I hate to say. Well it was the same when I was young as well. Mon took my winter coat for cleaning when I was 17 with out me knowing it. Found a pair of girls underware in them at the cleaners. Like she belivied "Mon I have no idea where they came from".

I hate to say it, but at this time I would do the spyware if it can not be found in the resister or if he is smart about computers. At this point 14 years old make me seem like a idot when it comes to computers. If he runs a program like Go Back you are busted.

Heck my daughter lied to me when she was 14. Came home boombed out of her mind. Could not walk and just slur a little. Blew chunks in her purse (cool the next day when she told me she was not drinking). After she was done worshiping the porcelain god looked at me and said "I was not drinking last night Dad". Showed her the purse and she blew more chunks in the living room.

Thank God she is 32 now and no grand kids.

                             Just happy I am not in your shoes any longer.

                                                                 Ken

[NHCharger]

I feel your pain on this one. I have two sons, 16 & 19. I know I would definitely sit him down and tell him what you read. Not sure about the spyware. I know last year when I checked my youngest sons computer I found he had several softporn sites bookmarked. I figured it was no worse than stealing my friend's Dad's Hustler mags when we were young. Plus I was relieved to know that he liked girls.  Maybe a good heart to heart talk about not only the responsibility of raise kids these days but show him the costs associated with raising a child from birth to 18 years.
It's a tough call. No one knows your son better than you do, so hopefully you know what buttons to push to get his attention.
If you need to show him an example I'll introduce him to my bro-in-law. He was a father at 17 and never got to finish his education. Now at 52 he's a drug addict who's life revolves around his Harley, sleazy bars, and a string of white trash girlfriends. He doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to through it out of. A perfect example of how to ruin your life.