News:

It appears that the upgrade forces a login and many, many of you have forgotten your passwords and didn't set up any reminders. Contact me directly through helpmelogin@dodgecharger.com and I'll help sort it out.

Main Menu

your tools

Started by charger490, March 08, 2007, 02:14:48 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

charger490

are right on!!!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

 

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

 

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

 

JESUS CLIP OR SPRING: Small clip or spring you are trying to install when it suddenly goes flying across your garage to be lost forever and you say "Jesus where did that thing go!" These parts are usually not sold separately so you will have to buy the complete assembly at 100 times the cost of the clip or spring itself. You console yourself by thinking now you have extra parts on hand. In reality you will never again use anything off this assembly. It will occupy a shelf in your garage until you die and someone cleaning out your garage throws it away asking "Why did he have this laying around?"


poppa

 ;D ;D I have all the same tools.... :icon_smile_big: :icon_smile_big:
God must love stupid people....he made a sh**load of 'em....

Matco tools...guaranteed for a lifetime. Just not a human lifetime.

tan top

 those were funny  :smilielol:.. :smilielol: ,   DAMNIT tool :lolexplode:.. :lolexplode: , thanks for posting (charger490)  made my day :lol:
Feel free to post any relevant picture you think we all might like to see in the threads below!

Charger Stuff 
http://www.dodgecharger.com/forum/index.php/topic,86777.0.html
Chargers in the background where you least expect them 
http://www.dodgecharger.com/forum/index.php/topic,97261.0.html
C500 & Daytonas & Superbirds
http://www.dodgecharger.com/forum/index.php/topic,95432.0.html
Interesting pictures & Stuff 
http://www.dodgecharger.com/forum/index.php/topic,109484.925.html
Old Dodge dealer photos wanted
 http://www.dodgecharger.com/forum/index.php/topic,120850.0.html

PocketThunder

JESUS CLIP  :smilielol: :smilielol: :smilielol: :smilielol: :smilielol: :smilielol: :smilielol: :smilielol:  Going to school and working in a body shop for two years i learned the meaning of a Jesus clip very well.  :icon_smile_blackeye:
"Liberalism is a disease that attacks one's ability to understand logic. Extreme manifestations include the willingness to continue down a path of self destruction, based solely on a delusional belief in a failed ideology."

Brock Samson

those were really great! BEING TRUE AND ALL..  :-\

71ChallengeHer


kab69440

Why is everyone looking at me and snickering? ???
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not;  a sense of humor to console him for what he is.      Francis Bacon

WANT TO BUY:
Looking for a CD by  'The Sub-Mersians'  entitled "Raw Love Songs From My Garage To Your Bedroom"

Also, any of the various surf-revival compilation albums this band has contributed to.
Thank you,    Kenny

Jesus drove a Honda. He wasn't proud of it, though...
John 12: 49     "...for I did not speak of my own Accord."

Mean 318

I have seen that before... never gets old! I love it! The Damm it tool is so true! "It is also the next tool that you will need" Amen