Advice from parents please...."Bullying"

[Orange_Crush]

I had a serious problem with bullies in my sophomore year.  They were all on the football team and got a big thrill out of picking on the skaters and punk rockers.  I had one of the SOBs giving me crap from day one...knocking books out of my hand, tripping me, you know the drill.  One day, when I decided I'd had enough and I confronted him alone outside the school, he got the edge of an Alva Streetfire in the knee...about 12 times.  He was a junior and never played football again. 

I don't recommend your son take this approach...it only escalates things. 

[69-DodgeCharger]

Just tell him to be the bigger man and dont dish out any beef. Fighting is just going to continue it. If he stays strong and takes whatever the bully dishes out and ignores it, it builds a strong character out of someone and the bully will get bored eventually. Its not worth it to get into trouble over some punk ass kid

[Daytona R/T SE]

If this little bastard (the bully) has a father that claims him, I believe I'd be having a little heart to heart with the source of this little shit ass's DNA 

[skip68]

Thank's all. This is Mr. Skip68 and now it's my turn.      My opinion is to have my son let a teacher or someone in the office know what's going on and then the next time this punk does something hammer him.  Mrs. Skip68 may not agree with me because I may not have always been this nice, non violent man that I am today.   And that's my     71ChallengeHer, You have a very smart daughter. You did a good job with her and should be proud.      Chuck..............

[The70RT]

If this little bastard (the bully) has a father that claims him, I believe I'd be having a little heart to heart with the source of this little shit ass's DNA 

Hell yeah. I work at a school. You need to put the school and his parents on notice. They will have no recourse when your kid has to defend himself. 

[bull]

It's basically a control issue for bullies, they like to make themselves feel better by coercing others. The kid probably has a crappy home life and is attempting to make up for a lack of control in his personal life by controlling weak or new classmates. The trick in dealing with it is to find a way to either get your son off the bully's radar screen or make it so he doesn't want to target him at all. I strongly believe that if your son is physically attacked by the bully he has every right to defend himself and at the same time make it clear that he can hold his own. In other words, first he defends himself and then he makes a point, all during the same confrontation. But that should be the last resort and hopefully it doesn't come to that. I would also say the time for talking to the teachers and principal has not yet come either.

IMO the best tactic right now would be to find a clever way to deal with this issue short of any physical contact. This can be done through various means but I think one possibility is the rumor mill. Make up a story about how your son beat the snot out of the older, 12-year-old bully at the last school he was in, broke his nose, dislocated his arm, whatever, and then your son can start the rumor in school by telling the story to the nearest Big Mouth who will then spread the rumor throughout the school. It's a lie, and I don't know if that's the best way to go about it but the point I'm trying to make is that you've got to mess with this kid's head somehow. Make him think he is in danger of getting his butt kicked without actually having to do it.

[The70RT]

It's basically a control issue for bullies, they like to make themselves feel better by coercing others. The kid probably has a crappy home life and is attempting to make up for a lack of control in his personal life by controlling weak or new classmates. The trick in dealing with it is to find a way to either get your son off the bully's radar screen or make it so he doesn't want to target him at all. I strongly believe that if your son is physically attacked by the bully he has every right to defend himself and at the same time make it clear that he can hold his own. In other words, first he defends himself and then he makes a point, all during the same confrontation. But that should be the last resort and hopefully it doesn't come to that. I would also say the time for talking to the teachers and principal has not yet come either.

IMO the best tactic right now would be to find a clever way to deal with this issue short of any physical contact. This can be done through various means but I think one possibility is the rumor mill. Make up a story about how your son beat the snot out of the older, 12-year-old bully at the last school he was in, broke his nose, dislocated his arm, whatever, and then your son can start the rumor in school by telling the story to the nearest Big Mouth who will then spread the rumor throughout the school. It's a lie, and I don't know if that's the best way to go about it but the point I'm trying to make is that you've got to mess with this kid's head somehow. Make him think he is in danger of getting his butt kicked without actually having to do it.

Maybe so but I think the time has come to turn his ass in since he already sucker punched him and told him to watch his back!

[dkn1997]

If this little bastard (the bully) has a father that claims him, I believe I'd be having a little heart to heart with the source of this little shit ass's DNA 

That won't do much good.  Show me a bully rotten kid, and I will show you rotten parents.  Bad kids don't just happen.  Now if you kicked the crap out his old man, your bullying days would be numbered....alas, you would open a whole new can of worms for yourself.

sure it would cause problems, but boy, would it feel good.   

[bull]

It's basically a control issue for bullies, they like to make themselves feel better by coercing others. The kid probably has a crappy home life and is attempting to make up for a lack of control in his personal life by controlling weak or new classmates. The trick in dealing with it is to find a way to either get your son off the bully's radar screen or make it so he doesn't want to target him at all. I strongly believe that if your son is physically attacked by the bully he has every right to defend himself and at the same time make it clear that he can hold his own. In other words, first he defends himself and then he makes a point, all during the same confrontation. But that should be the last resort and hopefully it doesn't come to that. I would also say the time for talking to the teachers and principal has not yet come either.

IMO the best tactic right now would be to find a clever way to deal with this issue short of any physical contact. This can be done through various means but I think one possibility is the rumor mill. Make up a story about how your son beat the snot out of the older, 12-year-old bully at the last school he was in, broke his nose, dislocated his arm, whatever, and then your son can start the rumor in school by telling the story to the nearest Big Mouth who will then spread the rumor throughout the school. It's a lie, and I don't know if that's the best way to go about it but the point I'm trying to make is that you've got to mess with this kid's head somehow. Make him think he is in danger of getting his butt kicked without actually having to do it.

Maybe so but I think the time has come to turn his ass in since he already sucker punched him and told him to watch his back!

That's true, I forgot about the sucker punch. And that would have been a good time to defend himself and make his point but that time has passed.

I just hate to see the fallout from bringing the "authorities" into the scenario because the boy is never going to earn any respect and he'll have the stigma of being a squealer. Too often parents that go this route end up with a disenchanted kid who gets teased by more classmates than just the bully. The boy is going to have to learn to deal with a-holes his entire life so he needs the learn the skills to survive on his own now rather than the habit of running to the nearest suit or skirt every time someone backs him into a corner.

[Manfred318]

I am not a parent and I havent been out of school that long (class of '05) but I'm gonna thow my $.02 worth in. I remember when I was in seventh grade I was being bullied by a jerk in the eighth grade. I tried telling every authority figure at the school, but nothing was ever done about it because they never seen him doing it. So one morning before school started as soon as he got off of his bus he came in the cafeteria and started giving me crap. I finally got fed up with it (it had been going on for months) stood up and punched him square in the mouth. We ended up throwing punches. He threw a chair at me and missed, I picked it up and hit him with it. It went on a good 10 minutes or so before any one broke it up. We both ended up in the office and I was asked why I never told any one about the problems I was having with him . Anywho I explained my side and I never got in any trouble over it because they said it was "self defence" or something like that. He ended up getting suspended for a week and he nor anyone else gave me any crap from then on.
I wouldnt recomend your son just up and punch him in the face, I would try to talk with the administrators at the school. If they do nothing about it like my school did, I would then tell my kid to do what you need to do. If that involves a swift kick in the nads or a punch in the face then so be it. He may get suspended but at least the other kids may learn that hes not gonna take any more of their crap.
     

[gunner]

I know what you are going through i was in about 7th grade and this one guy named tim kept picking on me over and over agyn i tried the walk away thing. like my family taught me but it just seemed to get worse so finally about 6 months went by and i snapped and pushed him back and told him if he messed with me agyn i was going to make sure he would remember it. he laphed and about 2 seconds after that he started punkin me  so i turned around in front of all his "friends" and laid him out he hit the ground crying and i just took a step back and asked his friends if any one else wanted to go that day i learned the most important thing in life i learned that all you have to do is stand up once and know one will ever bother you agyn after that date i never got made fun but its not wrong to stand up for your self in fact i think it is not to. life is to short to spend all of your time hiding and taking shit from stupid kids who want to ruin it for him. i say let him go let him show the kid he is not scared and he will not be bothered agyn.
I am not saying that you shuld send your son out to make a name for him self just tell him it is ok to defend him self
Best of luck
Ben Gunn

[68chrgrwife]

Ok, I wasn't going to post, but I just want to say that I have three girls (my oldest is tiny, 8 yrs and only 50 lbs--n she gets picked on)  and with all the stuff that is going on in schools these days scares the crap out of me too.  I just remind my daughter that God doesn't like UGLY! And Bullies are UGLY.  With that being said, this punk threatened your son....Take it to the school...because of the stuff going on in schools there are strict laws about threats.  This kid is gonna be in big trouble.  If the school itself doesn't do anything and things get worse..go to the school board.  believe me I had to do the same thing with my daughter last year.  Luckily it stopped when I took it to the principal.  My daughter got punched in the stomach my a punk little boy in her class.  He later got switched to a different class.  But once you report that this kid is threatening your son, and who know what he means he's going to do--beat him up, knife him, shoot him, or whatever else (sorry don't want to scare you, but you probably already had these things in your head), they have to act.  By law (I believe everywhere in the us now-a-days) the authorities must be contacted and the kid reported to law enforvemnet.  he will then be suspended from school, so his parents will be notified.  My two cents...

[Ghoste]

I have no advice for what you should do but I do have some for what you should NOT do.  DO NOT, sit back and think it will go away.  Nine years ago last month, the ten year old son of a good friend of mine was getting bullied at school.  It culminated with the bully hanging the boy by his collar from a coathook on a bathroom stall in front of two of his bully cohorts.  They stood there and watched him die.  I am not making this up and it was a very shattering event in our community.
This friend of mine has become very active in anty-bullying lectures and campaigns and travels to schoold all over to talk about this.  I'll ask him for some advice today.

[skip68]

I have no advice for what you should do but I do have some for what you should NOT do.  DO NOT, sit back and think it will go away.  Nine years ago last month, the ten year old son of a good friend of mine was getting bullied at school.  It culminated with the bully hanging the boy by his collar from a coathook on a bathroom stall in front of two of his bully cohorts.  They stood there and watched him die.  I am not making this up and it was a very shattering event in our community.
This friend of mine has become very active in anty-bullying lectures and campaigns and travels to schoold all over to talk about this.  I'll ask him for some advice today.

Thanks Ghoste, i appreciate it! Also, I am so very sorry about the loss of your friends child!   ................i'm speechless.
Mrs.skip68

[old man]

When my oldest son was in fifth grade he was picked on by a group of bullies. He kept himself calm and never became aggressive. When I found out what was going on I went to the school. I had a meeting with the teacher and I gave her a chance to solve the situation. My son had been taking Judo for a number of years and was quite good. I told the teacher that I had given my son the green light to fight back. I told the teacher that if she doen't solve the problem he will. I was told that the school had a no violence policy and fighting was not allowed. I informed her that it wasn't working to well as the bullies were not being punished. I informed her if this did not stop he would clean house and if he was suspended I would contact my lawyer. She had a talk with the other kids but one had to try him. He took matters into his hands and threw the kid across the playground. Then he stood back and asked "who's next". He never had anymore problems. When he turned 15 he took the Gold Medal at the United States Junior Olympics and the Silver at the Junior World Championships. He held the record for the fastest match for three years with a 4.5 second match.
Now your son may have a different situation but the end results is what matters. Take him to Judo, Karate, whatever classes he liikes. Let him learn how to defend himself. You will see a difference in the way he carries himself. Go to the school and tell them what is going on and give them a chance to fix it. But they have to know that you are willing and will contact the police to file charges if it continues. It is a crime and also inform them you will contact a lawyer if needed and they really don't want this to wind up in the loical newspaper.

[skip68]

So we spoke to our son last night. We informed him that while we don't promote aggressive behavior, he has every right to defend himself from another attack. I strongly informed him not to go looking for a problem, but if this punk got in his face again, knock his ass to the ground!!!!!!!!!!!

I also contacted the school principal and she stated the following:
1. The child in question, is a  "Special Ed" child.
2. he doesn't know his own strength
3. He makes rash decisions and does not think of consequences.
4. she informed me that as my kid is new, it will probably take some time to get used to the punk. ("All the other kids are used to him!")
5. She stated that she will have one of her usual  "Heart-to-Heart"  talks with him and will hopefully bring closure to this. (And in the same breath, tells me that the problem should go away, but if it doesn't, inform her)

I'm puzzled,.......I thought they had seperate Special Ed classes in public schools...
Mrs.Skip68

[Arigmaster]

Here is a twist you may want to consider...

When I was in grade school, I moved from a small town to the city and found that the kids were very different there. I went through a whole world of tests from other kids (trying to see what the new guy was made of) and pretty much didn't tollerate any thing from any of them. Stupid acts like knocking books down or snide remarks were met with verbal retaliation. This established for the most part that I wasn't going to accept their crap but I also used it as an opportunity to get to know the person. So what started as someone messing with me ended up in some cases as someone I hung out with for awhile. However there were always that one or two who were plain idiots and had no socializing or values from their parents.

I was able to see who some of these knuckle draggers were through other kids who hung out with them from time to time. In many cases, a common friend will pretty much tell them to lay off but there are always that one or two that won't.

There was one in particular that just wouldn't let up and I finally told my dad about him. This is where it gets interesting....

My dad didn't go to the school or the kid or anything right away... Instead, He chose a time after school let out when this idiot was always doing his show at my expense for his friends. He walked up to where we were and most of the kids friends scattered and asked me "who's your friend?" I was stunned and said the kid's name. He said that we were going to a movie and asked the idiot if he wanted to go too...his treat. (I at this point was floored and felt betrayed by my own dad) The other kid was dumbfounded too and refused the offer. So I left with my dad but we didn't really go to the movie at all.

The very next day the kid stayed away from me and after about thee days passed he came to me and asked what movie we went to. I told him we didn't end up at the movie at all but it made the kid think during those days and me as well. Looking back on it I thought to myself... Geez! was this my dad's plan in the first place? Or, was it some kind of kwerk? The end result however was that the knuckle dragger backed off and when we did cross paths throug the rest of the year it wasn't in confrontataion.

In retrospect... I think that since this kid wasn't approached about his actions, he figured that I wasn't crying to the school or my parents about being picked on so I wasn't a snitch or anything. So, I must have been okay in his book. (even if there were no pages in it) The whole thing was weird to me.... But hey it worked.

[Old Moparz]

I have one more thought to add after reading some more posts. A lot of schools have their own political system within, & do not want bad press. I have read many times where a school has covered up, dismissed, or played down some of the violence, & has handled it in house. They don't want law enforcement involved, & that really pisses me off because the policy many have on violence is zero tolerance, & whether it's on or off school property, it's a crime & should be reported. It's still within the jurisdiction of the police, & I can guarantee if the bully got his nose broke the police would be called & his parents would sue.

I'm not someone who believes that everyone should sue at the drop of a hat, but when I am faced with someone, or an administration that has no problem with "legal obligations" on their own behalf, I'll play the same card with them. Sometimes in order to get what you want, which in this case is to have your kid be safe, you have no choice but to play by a different set of rules. I still believe that contacting the school first, like you are doing, is important. To follow it up in writing is probably the best, since many times someone's word is not good enough anymore. Someone in fear of losing a well paying job might just lie later on, or conveniently forget which kid started it.

Hope it works out for you & good luck.

[71ChallengeHer]

I'll let Shelby read these when she comes home. I'm not sure what the school's do about the Special Ed. students. I do know they main stream them with the other classes so they won't get sued. Even if they disturb the other students. When my son was in 10th grade he was dating a girl. Some other guys girlfriend liked him. So Chris's girlfriend called her a Slut. The boy waited til my son was walking in hallway and ran into him. He shouldered Chris under his chin. My son bit his tongue almost off. The school wouldn't call an ambulance because they would have been responsible for the bill. Even though my son was bleeding all over the place.I called the police on the way to the school. The principal was pretty mad that I called the police but I really didn't care. We pressed charges on the boy for assault. It later got dropped to harrasement. But he did get a $420 fine. I had insurance but pushed the issue and his parents had to pay the medical bills. The boy did leave my son alone after that.   Ghoste,I'm so sorry about your friends son. That is horrible that young people would be that violent. And others would stand by and watch.  No parent should have to go through something like that.

[SnoPro440]

I'll throw my 2 cents in since I was lucky enough to be the "new kid" a few times.  I was in 25-30 fights during middle school and high school.  I was always the smaller guy and got picked on when I was younger.  Once my dad taught me how to throw a punch, only in self defense, it changed the way I handled myself.  I got in most of those fights sticking up for other people that were getting bullied because being on the receiving end of it I knew how it felt.  I even helped people I didn't know.  Bullying is a problem and if it isn't stopped right away, it can lead to major problems like self esteem issues, depression and other things.  No one wants to go through school being picked on everyday.  School should be a place to learn and to feel safe.  I am a step-parent of two kids, a boy who is 11 and a girl who is 8.  My 11 year old is having this same issue now.  He just started getting picked on by some punk because he is smaller.  We talked to the school two weeks ago and they say the same crap.  "Since we didn't see it, we can't really do anything"    My 11 year old said that nothing has happened during the last few days, but he still has this feeling that something will.  I haven't gone the route of telling him to knock the kids teeth in yet, but if it doesn't change, he will know how to.

[skip68]

I'll throw my 2 cents in since I was lucky enough to be the "new kid" a few times.  I was in 25-30 fights during middle school and high school.  I was always the smaller guy and got picked on when I was younger.  Once my dad taught me how to throw a punch, only in self defense, it changed the way I handled myself.  I got in most of those fights sticking up for other people that were getting bullied because being on the receiving end of it I knew how it felt.  I even helped people I didn't know.  Bullying is a problem and if it isn't stopped right away, it can lead to major problems like self esteem issues, depression and other things.  No one wants to go through school being picked on everyday.  School should be a place to learn and to feel safe.  I am a step-parent of two kids, a boy who is 11 and a girl who is 8.  My 11 year old is having this same issue now.  He just started getting picked on by some punk because he is smaller.  We talked to the school two weeks ago and they say the same crap.  "Since we didn't see it, we can't really do anything"    My 11 year old said that nothing has happened during the last few days, but he still has this feeling that something will.  I haven't gone the route of telling him to knock the kids teeth in yet, but if it doesn't change, he will know how to.

I'm sorry to hear its happening to your child too! So, now your kids education may suffer because he is not able to concentrate on class subjects,... and only on these punks! Pisses me off!
Good luck!
Mrs.Skip68

[The70RT]

So we spoke to our son last night. We informed him that while we don't promote aggressive behavior, he has every right to defend himself from another attack. I strongly informed him not to go looking for a problem, but if this punk got in his face again, knock his ass to the ground!!!!!!!!!!!

I also contacted the school principal and she stated the following:
1. The child in question, is a  "Special Ed" child.
2. he doesn't know his own strength
3. He makes rash decisions and does not think of consequences.
4. she informed me that as my kid is new, it will probably take some time to get used to the punk. ("All the other kids are used to him!")
5. She stated that she will have one of her usual  "Heart-to-Heart"  talks with him and will hopefully bring closure to this. (And in the same breath, tells me that the problem should go away, but if it doesn't, inform her)

I'm puzzled,.......I thought they had seperate Special Ed classes in public schools...
Mrs.Skip68

I work with special ed kids. In ther regular gen ed classes they are in special classes, but in PE, Woods, Metals, Art and some other classes they stick them in with regular kids since special ed teachers don't teach those. I am referring to high school though. It seems the bully needs to go to a different school for troubled brats like they do here or have a paraprofessinal baby sit him all day. Hope it all gets worked out.

[BronzeOnSteelies]

 

I will tell you want my parents did with me. I took crap off a kid in my class for a long time. I was a big kid, head taller than everyone else but easy going. My parents did not call the school they just listened to me.

One day before homeroom I beat the "bully up" the class put everything  back together and nothing happened to me as far as punishment.

After I was grown and married my parents tell the story and they got called in to meet with the principal. When they were told what I did They said "It's about time". The school never did anything after that.

Tell your son not to take it. He don't have to go looking for a fight, but don't take it.

Mark

[tan top]

I have no advice for what you should do but I do have some for what you should NOT do.  DO NOT, sit back and think it will go away.  Nine years ago last month, the ten year old son of a good friend of mine was getting bullied at school.  It culminated with the bully hanging the boy by his collar from a coathook on a bathroom stall in front of two of his bully cohorts.  They stood there and watched him die.  I am not making this up and it was a very shattering event in our community.
This friend of mine has become very active in anty-bullying lectures and campaigns and travels to schoold all over to talk about this.  I'll ask him for some advice today.

                       holy shit  ............   thats unbelievable .........   word can't describe what i am feeling now i have read this ..the.. little -------bastards   ............. sorry to hear this  ( Ghoste )

[bull]

Special ed or not he might still need his clock cleaned.