jokes

[charger490]

>
>
>
>
> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
>
> The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
>
> The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
>
> The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
> For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
>
> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
> He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
>
> The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you,
> that's the same as putting it in!"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional,
> she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
>
> The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>
> The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
>
> The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
>
> The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
>
> The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
> His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
> His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
>
> A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
>
> The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
>
> The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
>
> Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
> But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
>
> Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them
> for the service?"
>
> Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
>
> Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
>
> grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
>
> girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
>
> Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
>
> Man: "What sins?"
>
> Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
>
> Man: "I'm Jewish."
>
> Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
>
> Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------