Congrats To All New Parents - The Parent Test

[Old Moparz]

Seems there's some members here that are announcing new baby arrivals, or that they are expecting them. I saved some tips for first time parents & thought they were good. I wish I had read them a long time ago before I had a kid, it would have saved me some grief. 

The Parent Test

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 13 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. It may sound light-hearted, but you will realise how accurate it is after you've had your baby!

Test 1
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a pillow down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the stuffing.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it in peace for the last time.

Test 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Test 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Test 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Test 6
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

Test 7
Forget the Charger and buy a Volvo. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a Hershey bar. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

Test 8
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to minutely inspect every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 9
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

Test 10
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

Test 11
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

Test 12
Watch the early morning repeat of Teletubbies every day before work. Do this until you know every characters name, colour and catchphrase. When you know who wears a black & white hat and what colour tubby-custard is then you're ready to be a parent.

Test 13
Take a bag of roofing tacks or any other sharp, pointy objects, and scatter them over your living room floor. Now, turn off the light and walk barefoot through the room. If you pass this test, you are ready for your child to play with Legos.

[PocketThunder]

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

[73dodge]

Sad but so true.

For number test 7 I'll add this. take a juice box and pour the contents into the center console of your car and add a packet of honey. Let sit for 3 months and then add cracker crumbs to the mix after three months are up try to clean the residue.

I'll also add

test 14. Spend several hours cleaning the inside of your minivan make sure you spend an hour cleaning all the windows inside and out. Then after you have finished cleaning all the finger prints and smudges from the windows. get a popsicle from the freezer let it thaw in your hands and then smear your hands all over the windows you just cleaned. make sure you do this as soon as you finish cleaning the windows, don't wait 30 minutes to admire your work just smear them as soon as you finish cleaning the last window.

Test 13 brings back some fond memories

[sjmarsing]

Those are so true! 

[bull]

Those tests were right on the money.

One I might add is to try to complete a full, logical and coherent sentence over the sound of AC/DC cranked to max while someone simultaneously flicks your ear and steps on your crotch.

[Charger_Fan]

I didn't make it past #7. Just after that, I strangled him, stuffed him & mounted him on the wall in the downstairs hallway.

[Old Moparz]

I'm bumping this up since there's a couple more future Mopar owners sprouting up.   

Congrats!

Some people have been keeping their chimney clear.

[PocketThunder]

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.