Parents of teens I got a question for ya'

[AKcharger]

Since your interested in Chargers that automatically makes you smart on teens too, so here's what I got: I'm purchasing/loading some software to record chat/e-mail/web browsing ect as well as limit time for the youngsters.  Now the only decision I have is to I tell them or not to let them know. If I tell them they could try to defeat the software, If I don't tell them and they find it they might get mad.

What do you guys think?

Oh, and for those that think I'm invading their privacy...Yup, I sure am!!

And YES we communicate with our kids just what they SAY and what is on the computer are two very diffrent things

[Wakko]

Won't the time limit clue them in to the software's presence?  How old of teenagers are you talking bout here?

[Drache]

If they are old enough to figure out how to get around the software, I good talk with them is alot better than the program. I'm not a parent of a teen although I am a parent. I remember being told about a program that did that when I was a kid and I was so bloody careful! It wasn't until 5 years later I learned that there was no such program at the time.

So maybe even telling them you're installing the program that copies what they type but not install it. That way if they try to go looking for it to bypass it, they wont be able to. Then having a program to limit their time on the computer would prove to them there is a program.

[Orange_Crush]

If you've done your job as a parent up until the point where they're teenagers, then the spying software should not be necessary.  If you tell them, then they'll just find another way to get their drugs and/or ass.  If you don't tell them and they find out, then your parent/child relationship just took a GIANT step backward from which it will never recover. 

I'm not talking about being your teenager's "friend."  I'm talking about being their parent and that means fostering a relationship of trust and mutual respect.  My parents watched me like a hawk, spied on me, looked through my stuff, etc. and...yet...I was still having sex and doing drugs.  I was just better at hiding it.  And when I got out from under their watchful gaze (when I went to college) I went CRAZY.

Just something to think about.

[Steve P.]

This could go bad real quick. On the other hand, I want to know if my daughter is going down the wrong road! OC makes good points, but, if you say or do nothing or you are too easy, well,,, Kids will be kids. They will allways want to outdo their friends. Being popular is a full time job for them. (THEY THINK)!!!

It's a tough decision my friend. I wish you much luck.  Just keep in mind one thing. The more free time they have, the more time they have to fill their boredom!! That can lead to terrible things.

[bluesfool]

My wife and I are going thru this same situation. We haven't loaded up any special software, although we have been tempted at times. We do go to their "my space" pages as well as their friends just to see what they are saying. We also check browser history too but as you know, that's easily deleted. The comment was made that if you did your job as parents you won't have to worry about spying, but it's not as simple as that. No matter how good of a job of being a parent we all do, teens are new adults and they are becoming aware of a whole world that is (or will be soon) open to them...THEY ARE GOING TO EXPLORE THEIR BOUNDARIES! So far we have made the decision to trust our children and to not jeopardize that trust by spying on them. Watching their other habits such as their attitudes, the schedules they keep, their peers, and interests help to understand what they are into as well. This is a tough question that requires alot of thought. It's tough at times to find that line between protecting our kids and being a parent they'll love and respect, and one that is over-protective/controlling and one our kids will resent (thus rebelling in dangerous ways).

[AKcharger]

I do appreciate the feedback and I've previously considered all those points. But What I keep coming back to  is EVERY teen that has done something heinous like Eric Harris/Dillion Klebold and or incredibly stupid like that 16 Y/O girl who flew herself to Jordon to be with her internet pal...EVERYONE of them was:
- A good kid
- Did well in school
- Never let on to parents anything was going on
- Planned everything months in advance on the internet unknown to their parents 

We moved and are putting the computer from the "computer room" to the living room for more supervision and might just try limiting time at 1st to see how that goes. Oh Wakko, 2ea 17 Y/O boys. and yup the timer would alert them, that's part of the "should we tell 'em or not thing"

You know the real indicator that they're odd is they don't care about Chargers! What kid wouldn't love 'em? They'll help work on them but to them it's more drudgery than fun. Odd thing is all their friends think the cars are cool but they'd rather play video games 

[sunfire69]

As Ron Regan said "Trust but verify".
I have a 12 and 8 year old and I will be installing tracking software very soon. We've have talked about how we use the internet. But when friends come over they go to new and different site, I just want to know where.  I woun't tell them about the software because they don't need to know.
I have a home network and Myspace WILL be blocked that site is no place for a pre-teen/young teen. I won't limit their time with software, they know the rules, but if the software show some midnight/1am surfing I'll be able to nip it in the bud!
Jerry

[dkn1997]

I do appreciate the feedback and I've previously considered all those points. But What I keep coming back to  is EVERY teen that has done something heinous like Eric Harris/Dillion Klebold and or incredibly stupid like that 16 Y/O girl who flew herself to Jordon to be with her internet pal...EVERYONE of them was:
- A good kid
- Did well in school
- Never let on to parents anything was going on
- Planned everything months in advance on the internet unknown to their parents 

We moved and are putting the computer from the "computer room" to the living room for more supervision and might just try limiting time at 1st to see how that goes. Oh Wakko, 2ea 17 Y/O boys. and yup the timer would alert them, that's part of the "should we tell 'em or not thing"

You know the real indicator that they're odd is they don't care about Chargers! What kid wouldn't love 'em? They'll help work on them but to them it's more drudgery than fun. Odd thing is all their friends think the cars are cool but they'd rather play video games 

I gotta interject here and say that is your kid is plannning a mass murder or to leave the country and you don't know about it, you have failed miserably as a parent.

sure, they are all going to get into some trouble you don't know about, but if you are not tuning in the murder spree being plotted 10feet from where you sleep, then you should put the booze or the pipe down and check in once in a while..  my kids are young, and because of that,  maybe I will eat my words later in life, but show me a rotten kid, and I will show you a rotten parent.  when I say rotten, I am referring to the ones who end up in jail, murdering someone, prostitutes, etc...

anywho, your idea about putting the computer in the common area is one of the best I have heard.  We remodelled our kitchen and I purposely included a planning desk where our computer is.  as I type, my wife and the kids are watching a disney dvd on the tube 10 feet away.    when my daughter (only 5) is playing on the computer, we are walking by and are never more than a few feet from her.  yet, if the computer was in her room alone and we kept "popping" in, she would get the impression we dont' trust her.

sounds like you care about your kids.  Trust that you have done your job, put the computer in a common area and leave the spying software on the shelf for now.

[Orange_Crush]

I do appreciate the feedback and I've previously considered all those points. But What I keep coming back to  is EVERY teen that has done something heinous like Eric Harris/Dillion Klebold and or incredibly stupid like that 16 Y/O girl who flew herself to Jordon to be with her internet pal...EVERYONE of them was:
- A good kid
- Did well in school
- Never let on to parents anything was going on
- Planned everything months in advance on the internet unknown to their parents 

We moved and are putting the computer from the "computer room" to the living room for more supervision and might just try limiting time at 1st to see how that goes. Oh Wakko, 2ea 17 Y/O boys. and yup the timer would alert them, that's part of the "should we tell 'em or not thing"

You know the real indicator that they're odd is they don't care about Chargers! What kid wouldn't love 'em? They'll help work on them but to them it's more drudgery than fun. Odd thing is all their friends think the cars are cool but they'd rather play video games 

I gotta interject here and say that is your kid is plannning a mass murder or to leave the country and you don't know about it, you have failed miserably as a parent.

sure, they are all going to get into some trouble you don't know about, but if you are not tuning in the murder spree being plotted 10feet from where you sleep, then you should put the booze or the pipe down and check in once in a while..  my kids are young, and because of that,  maybe I will eat my words later in life, but show me a rotten kid, and I will show you a rotten parent.  when I say rotten, I am referring to the ones who end up in jail, murdering someone, prostitutes, etc...

anywho, your idea about putting the computer in the common area is one of the best I have heard.  We remodelled our kitchen and I purposely included a planning desk where our computer is.  as I type, my wife and the kids are watching a disney dvd on the tube 10 feet away.    when my daughter (only 5) is playing on the computer, we are walking by and are never more than a few feet from her.  yet, if the computer was in her room alone and we kept "popping" in, she would get the impression we dont' trust her.

sounds like you care about your kids.  Trust that you have done your job, put the computer in a common area and leave the spying software on the shelf for now.

And THAT, dear friends, is the wisest post I've ever seen on this topic (here or on Moparts, where it pops up on occasion).

If you don't trust your kid, he/she is going to give you a reason not to.

[CFMopar]

I do appreciate the feedback and I've previously considered all those points. But What I keep coming back to  is EVERY teen that has done something heinous like Eric Harris/Dillion Klebold and or incredibly stupid like that 16 Y/O girl who flew herself to Jordon to be with her internet pal...EVERYONE of them was:
- A good kid
- Did well in school
- Never let on to parents anything was going on
- Planned everything months in advance on the internet unknown to their parents 

We moved and are putting the computer from the "computer room" to the living room for more supervision and might just try limiting time at 1st to see how that goes. Oh Wakko, 2ea 17 Y/O boys. and yup the timer would alert them, that's part of the "should we tell 'em or not thing"

You know the real indicator that they're odd is they don't care about Chargers! What kid wouldn't love 'em? They'll help work on them but to them it's more drudgery than fun. Odd thing is all their friends think the cars are cool but they'd rather play video games 

Its not uncommen for kids to not like cars....

Maybe their upset with moving? I remeber When I first moved from my friends i tookit hard but got over it.

But I wouldnt spy on them.. I think you'll loose reguadless. If you dont tell them they will find out eventually and if you do then its pointless cause they wont incriminate themselves when they know you'll find out. Just pull them aside and talk to them thats your best bet

[Steve P.]

Hey, isn't that the softwere with the REEEEEEEEEEALLLLYYYYYYYYY good firewall that your buddies from the Charger site told you about??   

[Lightning]

back when I was 14, my parents put our "just aquired" computer out in the family room. that was 7 years ago right when the internet started picking up, even though it was on dial-up and all. Personally, if I ever have a kid, that'll be where the family's computer goes as well, but I hope I'm at least 8+ years away from having a kid.  I'll just raise them like my parents raised me, they trusted me and respected my privacy as well.

[2Gunz]

Lets say you install this and catch them doing or saying something that you dont agree with.

Then what....

Tell them that you have been spying on them and its "for there own good"?

I suspect you will find stuff that shocks you and stuff that is going to bug you.

But do you know where to draw the line, of what you can live with and what is to much.

My thoughts.

[nh_mopar_fan]

I posted something about this last year sometime.

I loaded the software against my ex's wishes.

My kid is 15. He's a good kid. Can cop an attitiude at times, but a good kid.

After I loaded it, my ex was surprised to find:

1. He was downloading porn like mad. Me, I didn't have that much of a problem with it, judging from the searches, I know he likes girls.
She had a huge problem with.

2. Found out that two of his friends were out in the woods behind her house smoking pot at one of his parties. She was pissed. We just had a parent get arrested and is now being sued because kids left her house wasted and drove home and killed someone. You want to lose your house over something like that?

3. On the positive side, I KNOW that my kid doesn't touch that stuff or booze. I know because while he knows the software is on there, he doesn;t know that I have access to EVERYTHING, especially the IM conversations.

When he got a new laptop, *she* insisted I load the software on there.

Oh, and there is NO WAY that he can remove this stuff short of dumping the hard drive and getting a new one. It is totally invisible.

The stuff I loaded was Spector Pro and Eblaster.

Spector pro allows you to set limits on what can and cannot be done, pages visited, times logged on etc.

Eblaster will send you an email with everything that was done on the computer. Once it's set up, you no longer need access to the computer. I get an email every day with every chat, mail message, page visited, etc. You know what, I rarely even look anymore. The IM conversations are the most boring crap ever. I do a quick scan and then file them away.

Good kids can make terrible decisions. Sometimes those decisions can have horrible consequences. I don't know how old your kid is but there are scumbag predators out there on myspace etc that target kids. They know what to say and how to say it. Why wouldn't you want to protect your kid from that?

You can say all you want about trusting your kids.

I'll quote a great American for ya: "Trust, but verify."

[dodgecharger-fan]

My teen just thinks I can see everything she does on Internet. I can. I have a home network and my router is actually a business level device as opposed to a home user unit.
I can log everything.

I don't really need to, though.

For the most part, we're not so worried about what she's doing/saying... it's more about what some of her friends might be trying to get her into.
And I tell her at least once a month that she can't download anything from frickin Smiley Central!

The only bad thing that ever happened with computer was that the background of the menu bar of IE got changed to a porn banner. It wasn't intentional and it was caused by some other stupid program that she downloaded - a search bar or something....

I also have parental controls on all of our PCs. If there's something that she needs to get to that triggers it, she has to come ask me to enter the password - then I know where she was trying to go.
I always ask her where she thought she was going before I enter the password. If I can see an address in the status bar, I'll try and decipher what it might be. If it's a threat or an obvious misdirect to a nasty site, I won't let it load.

[AKcharger]

 

Thanks Guys! some great feedback here!