The following conversations were taken off actual police car recordings around t

[my73charger]

This ones for you Telvis...

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them for a while."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will get you help. Oh..did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey crap."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Just how big were those two beers, fellah?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

(and the best one)....

"You didn't think we give tickets to pretty women ? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[ChgrSteve67]

true story
I got pulled over doing 110 mph (According to the Motorcycle Cop).
When the cop asked me if I knew how fast I was going I told him...
"I don't know how fast I was going, my speedometer stops at 85"
Stopped the cop in his tracks, took him a minute to process what I said and then told me to get out of my car.

The fine was $5 for every mile over the speed limit and wrote me up for 80 mph (speed limit was 55 so 25 * 5 = 125 + 100 for excessive speed + 300 for engine modification), he said if he wrote me up for more than that he would be required to take me to jail. This was in 1986.

The good old days!

[Drache]

My Favorites and the ones I'm most likely to hear:

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

These Mounties can be MEAN!

[Wakko]

I use this one alot:  When the violator gets an attitude and says something like "Oh yeah? What's the statute number?" or "There's no law about that!"

My answer "Here, I'll write it down for you.  Now just sign the bottom!"   

I had a girl just the other day go into 7-11 to get a Slurpee.  Left her car unlocked, running with the windows down out of sight from the Slurpee machine.  There were a bunch of 10 year old kids hanging out front.   She was a hot little 19 year old wearing only a bikini and she gave me attitude, possibly thinking I wouldn't write her.  I had no intention of writing her until she acting like a cee u next tuesday then she got the magic slip of paper.  "There's no law about leaving your car running!"   Suuuuure there is, lemme write it down for ya.

[Mefirst]

Cops make people kinda nervous and make people say the weirdest things...

Cop: Cant you read that sign?
Person: -Yes Officer, do you need assistance?

Cop is walking over to the car that he just pulled over.. Car driver rolls down the window and blurts out -One BigMac, large fries and a big Coke, no ice...

Some cops don't have humour..
Driver asks cop as the cop is writing a ticket.. -I see you have one of those "cop watches"... Cop: What? Driver: A cop watch.. Cop: What the hell is a cop watch? Driver: Well that kinda wrist watch you have. You have the normal clock with pointers so you can see what time it is, then the digital screen to see how to write the numbers and the calculator to help you count...

[Drache]

One day as I'm driving along I run a stop sign and get pulled over by a Mountie. Of course I think that I'm smarter than the Mountie because i'm sure that I have a better education so I decide to prive it!

Mountie, "License and registration, please."

Me, "What for?"

Mountie, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .."

Me, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Mountie, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Me, "What's the difference?"

Mountie, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Me, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Mountie, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of me and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[LahTera]

ROFLMAO!  Some of these are really good!

Me, I'm usually honest with cops.

True story:

It was like the 3rd day in a row in spring in Anchorage and my car is just sitting there (yes, my Charger) calling to me, "Drive me!  Drive me down the highway and take photographs of scenery, other cars and wildlife!"  I resisted for the first 2 days.  Then I couldn't stand it.  Grabbed my neighbor friend and headed down the highway, despite my expired tags.

She was running really fine, too!  Got gas, hit the highway going south out of Anchorage.  It's a rather scenic highway with ocean ot the right and mountains to the left.  At that time, a law had recently been passed that headlights are required to be turned on whenever you're on a highway because of all the drunk drivers who'd forget to turn theirs on and kill people pulling out of the small roadside towns on the Seward Hwy.  Well, my driver's headlight cover needs a little help opening up, and by the time I remembered the law about the headlights, I was already on the road cruisin' fine.

Lo and behold, a state trooper sees me while he's going the other way (north).  I didn't think anything of it, and shortly afterward, my girlfriend and I saw this huge ram perched conveniently on a cliff just above a pull-out on the side of the road.  We had to turn around, but did so and parked right under it, snapping pictures.

The state trooper came (he had to turn around twice  ) up behind me at the pullout and before he could get to us, these smart-arse kids pull in and they and the trooper have a few words.  The kids were ticking him off, and I thought, "Oh, great!  Now I'm gonna' get it cuz these kids just pissed him off."

He comes up to the car and says, "Good afternoon, Ladies.  Beautiful day.  Can I see your license and registration?  I pulled you over because I noticed you didn't have your headlights on, but then I noticed that your tags are expired."

I groaned, and while handing him my license said, "So is my license."  Then I proceeded to tell him I just couldn't resist driving the car today because it was so durn gorgeous out, and here is this huge ram above us for us to capture on camera.  <Sigh!>

Well, he went back to his car, and I thought, "Oh, this is it!  He's taking my license and I'm getting tickets!"

He comes back to the car, hands me my license, reminds me to get the tags updated soon, tips his gorgeous hat and with a twinkle in his eye, says, "Have a good day, Ladies!"

Let me tell you what -- I got those tags and license updated the very next business day!  LOL!

And that is the rest of the story.

(Sorry so long!)

LahTera

[Silver R/T]

funny

[253862656971]

funny

Why the hell do you feel the need to dig up a 5 month old joke and post ONE FRIGGIN WORD?!?!?!   

[andy74]

funny

Why the hell do you feel the need to dig up a 5 month old joke and post ONE FRIGGIN WORD?!?!?!   

because he is a dick

[Old Moparz]

Cut him a break, that was a long thread & I thought he was done early.