The Drunk & The $5 Bill

[Old Moparz]

A recovering alcoholic is downtown to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself, "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well, he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing, "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone".

The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy, "It's not that bad. You can get out of this."

The drunk looks at him and asks, "How in the world can I get out of this?"

The guy says, "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt."

The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you."

The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."

The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk."

She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."

He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself"

She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill"

He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".