Alfaitalia,s jokes from England! Will add as I remember them!

[green69rt]

Loved and laughed at them all!!!  Then I told them to my wife and claimed them as my own  

[alfaitalia]

That is funny as the Brits think the Americans don't get sarcasm (or satire) either!

[XH29N0G]

That is funny as the Brits think the Americans don't get sarcasm (or satire) either!

That's exactly what my friend said!  Actually he nearly fell over laughing when he heard it.  I don't think either of us knew whether she was (as he said) taking the piss.

please keep listing them.

 

[alfaitalia]

A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.

[alfaitalia]

I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, 'Please don't bend.' So how was I supposed to pick it up?

[alfaitalia]

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

[alfaitalia]

I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. .......Oh.....He's not dead. Just very condescending.

[alfaitalia]

My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism... she wouldn't fancy her chances.

[alfaitalia]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays.

[alfaitalia]

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

[alfaitalia]

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.

[alfaitalia]

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.


Stupid....but one of my favourites!

[alfaitalia]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin

[alfaitalia]

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.


Nearly midnight...off to bed. Til next time........and remember...Live every day as if it was your last day in Earth...because one day you are going to be f××king right!

[alfaitalia]

So Christmas is coming....I did not know whether to get my baby niece a toy or a pet...so I killed two birds with one stone...I bought her a rattle snake!

[RCCDrew]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin