Alfaitalia,s jokes from England! Will add as I remember them!

[alfaitalia]

I was asked to join the local Reincarnation Society today. I thought, why the hell not....You only live once.

[alfaitalia]

I just knew that they would not let me join the Optimists Society.

[alfaitalia]

About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back in grease – after that he went downhill very quickly.

[alfaitalia]

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

[alfaitalia]

 Although I'm British (and proud of it) I was actually raised in Louisiana in the 70,s. If you want to know what Louisiana was like in the 70,s....go there now!


Sorry I did not mean to insult anyone who comes from Louisiana....or interrupt your romantic evening with your sister!

[alfaitalia]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye!

[alfaitalia]

A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: 'Do you have any grapes?' 'No,' he replies.
The same thing happens the next day and on the third day the assistant replies: 'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I
will nail your flippers to the floor!' Next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?' 'No,' replies the assistant. 'Got any grapes?' the penguin asks.



That's it for today!

[alfaitalia]

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi – get out! We don't want your type in here"

[alfaitalia]

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Tell you what – never again!"

[alfaitalia]

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.  The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

[alfaitalia]

I was in a band which we called The Prevention. People used to say we were better than The Cure.

[alfaitalia]

 I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. I don't know which one but he wasn't happy.

[alfaitalia]

Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.

[alfaitalia]

I don't like light bulbs. Because they look like the ghosts of dead pears.

[alfaitalia]

I believe in gay marriage...... so that gay people can be as miserable as straight people!

That's it for now!

[alfaitalia]

I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can't run.

[alfaitalia]

My grandfather was a peeping tom, he use to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the apartment below. He died recently but I kind of like thinking about him up there somewhere.....looking down on us.

[alfaitalia]

By the way...do feel free to comment.....I realise that certain British humour does not translate over the pond!....So if anything needs explaining!.....Lots of countries don't understand how we makes jokes about disasters the day after they happen or religion or even ourselves........their loss..lol!

[alfaitalia]

My wife and I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

[alfaitalia]

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs... like custom officers.

[alfaitalia]

"My local's rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night-First question was, "What the f*ck are you looking at?"

[alfaitalia]

I read an article that said if you regularly drink two glasses of wine a day, you could be well on your way to becoming an alcoholic. I thought, if I regularly drank two glasses of wine a day I'd be well on my way to being cured of alcoholism

[alfaitalia]

I read in my local newspaper, they had this advert, "Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather", and shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right, yet. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her newspapers in for a fortnight!


Until next time...it's late here and I have work tomorrow! Night!

[67440chrg]

Thanks for sharing. I believe I got them all.

[XH29N0G]

By the way...do feel free to comment.....I realise that certain British humour does not translate over the pond!....So if anything needs explaining!.....Lots of countries don't understand how we makes jokes about disasters the day after they happen or religion or even ourselves........their loss..lol!

Funny you should bring that up.  In 1989, my Grandmother who grew up on Kansas and didn't mince words made the following pronouncement on an English friend of mine "Don't worry about them (the English).  They have no sense of humor or sarcasm, and they tell jokes that aren't even funny."

[green69rt]

Loved and laughed at them all!!!  Then I told them to my wife and claimed them as my own  

[alfaitalia]

That is funny as the Brits think the Americans don't get sarcasm (or satire) either!

[XH29N0G]

That is funny as the Brits think the Americans don't get sarcasm (or satire) either!

That's exactly what my friend said!  Actually he nearly fell over laughing when he heard it.  I don't think either of us knew whether she was (as he said) taking the piss.

please keep listing them.

 

[alfaitalia]

A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.

[alfaitalia]

I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, 'Please don't bend.' So how was I supposed to pick it up?

[alfaitalia]

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

[alfaitalia]

I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. .......Oh.....He's not dead. Just very condescending.

[alfaitalia]

My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism... she wouldn't fancy her chances.

[alfaitalia]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays.

[alfaitalia]

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

[alfaitalia]

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.

[alfaitalia]

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.


Stupid....but one of my favourites!

[alfaitalia]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin

[alfaitalia]

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.


Nearly midnight...off to bed. Til next time........and remember...Live every day as if it was your last day in Earth...because one day you are going to be f××king right!

[alfaitalia]

So Christmas is coming....I did not know whether to get my baby niece a toy or a pet...so I killed two birds with one stone...I bought her a rattle snake!

[RCCDrew]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin