going to harvard?

[el dub]

  
This is what students of the Harvard School of Pimping have to say  


Hey there, college student! Glad to be back in school? Ready to enjoy all the hassle that comes with moving in to your new room? Eagar to wait two weeks before your computer has e-mail? That's good to know. But with all the confusion of getting IN to school, have you ever thought about how your going to be paying those big bills when you get OUT of school? The Harvard School of Pimping has the answer. An 18 month bachelor's program offers an intense study of all aspects of pimping. From fashion musts to cursing lessons, Haravard School of Pimping provides its students with the utmost preparation for every situation. Graduates regularly go on to the top pimping areas in the nation. So give us a call, wait for the beep the beep, then dial your number in. We'll get back to you as soon as we can strut to the nearest pay phone and call you collect. Accept the charges: you won't regret it.

"The Harvard name may mean a lot in the boardrooms of corporate America, but on the street it means so much more. When you deal with Harvard you're dealing with quality pimps no question about it. And the size of Harvard's endowment is an assurance that you're not dealing with some pimp from the gutter of the Ivy Legue. Tradition, excellence, pimping: that's the Harvard way."
--Darius Wolski '99
    "I took my grant money and bought myself a nice purple suit and a cane. Then I went shopping for jewelry and bought gold necklaces and pinky rings. By the time I was done, I looked like a full fledged pimp. Cops were actually coming up to me and asking for bribes! I saw a girl on the street and kicked her in the ass just for fun. She spun around like she took offense, but when she saw who she was dealing with, she backed off. I spent the summer giving bribes and kicking asses. It was amazing!"
--Joseph D. Ottoviano '98  

Top Ten Things That Make You Cry
10.Chopping onions
9.Slicing onions
8.Dicing onions
7.When you tripped on an onion and hurt your head
6.Seeing your onion with another chef
5.When your pet onion dies
4.Seeing red and green onions living in harmony
3.When you remember the Great Onion Genocide
2.When your onion goes into a coma and becomes a vegetable
1.Seeing the first Onion-American baseball player hitting a home run