How Do You Move On?

[Darkness]

Well, I guess this will be a deep question tonight. Just kind of struck me I suppose. Anyways, I'm just wondering how do you all move on when someone severly messes you? Like I had an ex a year ago that said a lot of lies about me to other people. She silently killed me as a person and killed my reputation and I found out from her parents. She made herself look like the victim when in fact she was the one who cheated on me. I treated her well but, I wasn't good enough. Then she lied to a lot of people about me and I tried to tell people the truth but, they didn't listen because of the damage she had already done. And there was a couple of times I got angry and it didn't help. In the end I basically told her to stick it where the sun don't shine and go straight to h*ll.
After that I tried to move on but, seems like someone else I met knew of one of her friends or knew her so, I was screwed in a sense. Kind of like the domino effect ya know. Anyways, its been bothering me for a while now knowing that I feel as if I can't move on because of the past if that makes sense. I'm just wondering how do you all deal with this type of stuff? Any information would be greatly appreciated.

[SirNik73]

my best advice, listen to a lot of Johnny Cash. that gives you the "Cowboy Up" mentality. then just simply say Fu$% YOU to all those people... in you head that is. you standing up and not letting it get you down will help it pass faster then anything else will. keep you head up, stick to your guns and stand tall.

[mopar_madman]

well if you have done nothing wrong your true friends and real people will be by your side.

[73dodge]

So she screwed with you and trashed your rep, get used to it pal it's called LIFE. Learn to deal with it now and learn from it and when it happens again, and it will, you'll be better equipped to handle it. I don't know you and don't know your temperament but sounds like you've already tried

1. Defending yourself against baseless accusations, this fails because you cannot keep up with a rumour it will always outrun you, you cannot keep tracking down everyone that has heard terrible things about you and chooses to spread that same lie and to multiple people. If people are intrested in your side of the story they will ask you for your side. The ones that just hear what she has to say and believe it without coming to you for the other side are not really intrested in the truth. Best you can do is hold up your head and when someone asks about a certain situation between you and her find out what details they know and correct the lies with facts not emotion.

2. getting mad, this accomplishes what? nothing. so like I said in point 1 separate fact from emotion.

3. Move on, yea you'll get PO'd when someone brings up a lie that she has told but so what, your best revenge is to let her see that she has no more emotional sway over you and her lies about you are not having an effect on you. Which I would bet she is secretly happy that she can still manipulate your emotions by telling lies about you.

4. Her telling lies and spreading them so quickly is a sign of a guilty conscience, she knows she was the one at fault and has lied to cover up her deception. It's like a divorce when one spouse has been caught cheating they will instantly revert to the victim because they feel guilty about getting caught and their pride prevents them from admitting they screwed up.

5. Men fight battles with their fists Women fight battles with emotion. Learn that fact it will serve you well my friend. Women are not men and when they get mad they know that can't take you in a fight, They screw with your EMOTIONS get used to that if you ever plan to get married this will help you in fights with your wife. Let me show you an example my friend.

You are married and you are on a tight budget, you notice that she spent 300.00 on a haircut and a facial. You freak, WTH you say how can you blow 300.00 on a haircut and facial? When that money could have gone for a new carb for the Charger, she freaks and starts crying, first weapon in her arsenal, you hurt her feelings. Then she whips out the second weapon, guilt, "I did it to look nice for you don't you like the way I look"?. Then the third weapon, anger, I work all day and deserve a little something for myself how can you be so cold and deny me a little pleasure in life. Then she whips out a Nuke, your sleeping on the couch tonight because you hurt her feelings.

GET IT?  If not you will be FORCED to learn this lesson over and over again until you do get it.

Advice given is free of Charge from Dr. 73Dodge

[66ragtop]

Hey Darkness I agree with Madman.  I went through the same kind of deal and found out who my true friends really were.  The ones that were not are gone (not worth it to me) and since then I have met a whole new group of great people that are great friends.  Eventually the anger will subcide and life goes on (gets a hell of a lot better).

[66ragtop]

a lot of guns in this post      

[Darkness]

Thanks folks. I realize women can be emotional for sure but, sometimes this situations they create can be a little complex. 73dodge you have a good point. I've thought of those things but, sometimes I still scratch my head. Yes there is a lot of guns in this post. 

[BB1]

Welcome to splits vill, pop... you. 

Try one of these women, if they lie, ship'em back. The world is full of them, one doesn't make or brake a man.

http://www.mythaibride.com/

Loyalty brother, Western women don't know the meaning of it.    

Go for it.   


And don't forget a 44 magnum.

[adauto]

Hows that old saying go??? If its got tits or wheels sooner or later it's gonna give you trouble!

Dont sweat it man true friends are just that! Let the other $hit go or it will consume you

[BrianShaughnessy]

Go to the bookstore or the library and read up on relationships...   it's a lot easier than saying or paying for a counselor.    This forum is as good as place as any but there's only so many sob stories I can put up with at any time before they get out of hand and the smartazz comments start.

Most people that get dumped (ie: dumpee) go thru several fairly well defined stages before they are ready to move on.   The dumper also goes thru stages but they're past your stage you're at now when they do the dumping and are ready to move on much faster.

Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is part of the process but once you know and acknowledge what you're going thru it'll help you.  No you're not alone.  Yours is not the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody in the history of the world. You'll get over it in time.  blah blah blah. 

If all else fails... go out and get you some slumpbuster!  ie: fat chick    

[Orange_Crush]

You just move the hell on.

If your friends are no longer your friends because of what she said...then they were never your friends to begin with...screw 'em!

Go trolling for some skanks, get laid a couple of times...and forget she ever existed.

Problem solved.

[TK73]

I feel for you.  This March 13, last year, I found out the same thing.  I don't know how much lying my ex did to people because we have separate groups of friends and the Seattle area is large enough where we'll never cross people we know in common.

I stuck close with friends and hooked up with a nice young freek, got out and travelled a bit too.  I told my ex I never want to see, hear from or deal with her again.  She lied to me repeatedly before throwing me out of the house. THEN she accused me of lying and deceiving.

It hurt like hell and I'm just now getting through the last of it.  Yeah, it's f@cK3d up but keep busy and talk to friends about being angry and hurt.  Guys think that they have to "buck up" and be tough, this macho shit will only create extra stress and can lead to severe depression.  Yes, I do have a degreee in Psych and have a bit of experience with counseling...

I realized that as part of the healing process I'd have to go through several more "ex's" in order to get over what had happened with the last one.  Getting some steady, or even "one-nighters" helps to rebuild a shattered male ego after a partners betrayal... 

There is some good advice in the posts above.

[dodgecharger-fan]

Say this to yourself, "I'm glad it happened before I invested too much of my life into the relationship."

Sure, it's hard to do, but think about how much worse it would be if things dragged out longer - more hurt, more lies, more to clean up...

As for the friends, if you get the chance to address the situation with them, do it, but if it doesn't come up, don't worry about it.
True friends will listen to your side.

If you are truly over the hurt, then just go about living your life as if it never happened - I'm not saying, pretend it didn't happen - I'm saying, do what it is that you want to do right then and there. Don't let this issue steer your life. It's really not wirth it.

If you want to get back into hanging out with these friends, work your way back into their lives. Some won't let you in. Don't worry about it. Re-focus your attention on others. They'll be your real friends anyway - not the ones shutting you out. And ya never know, your side of the story might make the rounds.
Just don't do this with the soul intention of telling your story or rebuilding your rep. It will appear desparate.
Hang out for the sake of hanging out. Do whatever it is you do just for the sake of doing it.

If you find yourself in a situation with someone that feels uncomfortable, don't sweat it. You've got the truth on your side and you can tell them simply, "If you want to hear my side of the story sometime, I'll buy you a coffee. There's some truth I'll bet you haven't heard. Now, let's <insert whatever it is you were there to do in the first place>."

And you know what? If it still hurts, it's okay to say it. You could begin the line above, "It still hurst, but probably for different reasons than you think. If you want to hear ....."

The one thing that you have on your side is someone "on her side" that knows the truth. If they never tell another soul, at least you have the comfort of knowing that you're not alone in what you believe to be the truth.

[Darkness]

Thanks everybody. This is helping me out. I feel a little ashamed of asking but, at this point I figure anything is better than nothing. I've been doing better but, it's just trying to cope with it. I'm not really depressed or anything like that. Still a little down but, I know I'm kind of better without the bull crap but, I suppose it'll get better. Sometimes it gets just a little lonely. I always tell myself that every morning I get up. Sorry to hear of all your guys experience. Anyways, its cool we all can share our stories and try to help out each other. Alright well I'm going to go for now so take care and have a good one all.

[Duey]

Darkness, in a year from now, you won't have the time or interest to even think about her...take a deep breath and put your mind there TODAY, bud! 

Things could be a lot worse, you could have a Taliban prick slam an axe into the back of your head! This just happened to one of our guys today. Canadian soldier injured in axe attack.

Cheers,
Duey

[Darkness]

Thanks Duey. You're absolutely correct. It could always be worse than it is now. That's why I'm thankful to have made it through what I have made it through. Sorry to hear about one of your guys though. I will add him to my thoughts and prayers. Take care and have a good one.

[DarkAngel0816]

Girls are horrible!!!!  Keep that in mind!  Oh wait...I am a girl.   

Honestly...I have been through some rough relationships...and just had one fizzle out on me last October.  One that he lied to me...but you know what?  Whatever.  Yeah...it hurts...and the pain does not go away in a day...but for real.  I am glad I am not with that guy.  I look at my past relationships as learning experiences...you learn...you move on...and hopefully you do not make the same mistake by falling into the same type of relationship...unless you are me.  lol   

And as for your friends...if they turn your back on you due to what she may have told them...well they are not true friends.  And as a girl...if you ignore the crap...act like you have moved on and are not worried about the lies...it will drive her nuts.  She may not come out and say it...but it is in our bloodlines to be naturally curious.  If you know what I mean? 

Stay strong.

[Chris G.]

I feel for you.  This March 13, last year, I found out the same thing.  I don't know how much lying my ex did to people because we have separate groups of friends and the Seattle area is large enough where we'll never cross people we know in common.

I stuck close with friends and hooked up with a nice young freek, got out and travelled a bit too.  I told my ex I never want to see, hear from or deal with her again.  She lied to me repeatedly before throwing me out of the house. THEN she accused me of lying and deceiving.

It hurt like hell and I'm just now getting through the last of it.  Yeah, it's f@cK3d up but keep busy and talk to friends about being angry and hurt.  Guys think that they have to "buck up" and be tough, this macho shit will only create extra stress and can lead to severe depression.  Yes, I do have a degreee in Psych and have a bit of experience with counseling...

Awww TK, that just breaks my heart.    Thanks for making my night just a little bit better. 

[TK73]

I feel for you.  This March 13, last year, I found out the same thing.  I don't know how much lying my ex did to people because we have separate groups of friends and the Seattle area is large enough where we'll never cross people we know in common.

I stuck close with friends and hooked up with a nice young freek, got out and travelled a bit too.  I told my ex I never want to see, hear from or deal with her again.  She lied to me repeatedly before throwing me out of the house. THEN she accused me of lying and deceiving.

It hurt like hell and I'm just now getting through the last of it.  Yeah, it's f@cK3d up but keep busy and talk to friends about being angry and hurt.  Guys think that they have to "buck up" and be tough, this macho shit will only create extra stress and can lead to severe depression.  Yes, I do have a degreee in Psych and have a bit of experience with counseling...

Awww TK, that just breaks my heart.    Thanks for making my night just a little bit better. 

Why thank you for the tears and sincerity.  Yeah, it hurt.  Now have a younger (by 12 years), well-educated, career-driven woman who does not want kids.  Damn, this new freedom to travel, go out and just do whatever I want without being burdened by hauling a family around is really cool.

How's the dog? 

[BigBlockSam]

oh yea, been there. i lived with a girl for 3 yrs, found her in bed with one of my best friends. i stopped myself from kicking his ass and told her to stay with him. they got scared i was gonna hurt him and signed a restraining order against me. at this point i had done nothing. i took the high road and got screwed. cops showed up at my door to take my guns . thats a law here in NJ. before you even go to court they take your guns. i had to get a lawyer to get my guns back and get rid of the restraining order.
  some of my friends turned on me but most knew what kind of man i am and rallied to my side.
  give it some time people forget, these people were not true friends if they turned on you. you want to get back at her, live good, enjoy life, laugh louder, kick up your feet and dance, thank god you didn't get stuck with her. or worse have children with her. she's stuck with her miserable little life while you are celebrating yours. time heals all.

your sleeping on the couch tonight 

f-- that. if she's pissed at me. she can go sleep on the couch. I'm not leaving my comfy bed. good luck Rene

[TK73]

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry

[Darkness]

Thanks again folks. Learn something new every day. I'm a young one and still learning. Anyways, I'm off of here. I'm hungry and need to go get something to eat so I'll catch you all later. Take it easy everyone.

[Dodge-Charger]

If you truly need other peoples approval to feel good and live your life then you must give up now. Be who you are not what people expect from you.

Want to move on ? Then stop harping over the past, its done with and nothing you can do will change it.

[andy74]

find a chick who looks just like her,bang her and take pics-that will show her!!

j/k, take it easy bud,and the right person will come along,you are pretty young to be that hung up on one broad-and if its that bad ill happily give you my wife,and the baby stays here

[Darkness]

Thanks Dodge-Charger and andy74. andy74 that's alright you can keep the wife. As for being hung it's not that I'm hung on her. I've over her for sure just trying to move on. I don't miss her one bit. Charger does a have point but, maybe its the government thing in me where I have to play politics for my job to get promoted ya know. Anyways, thanks again for thoughts, words, and ideas. Take care.

[Telvis]

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry

So true!

[Silver R/T]

Real friends would still be your friends no matter what. I would just be myself when interacting with other people. They would see that you're decent person (if you are). They just need to see that themselves

[Darkness]

Thanks guys. Alright well time to head out to work. Catch you all later.

[Dodge-Charger]

I understand the politics of getting ahead in a job. At work every knows that if I am asked a question they get a straight answer. They don't have to think about what I say and read between the lines to understand it. They also know I might hurt their feelings so its a 50/50 chance asking my opinion. I have been at my new job now ( and staying in town for once ) for 4 months now. So far the bosses like the fact I'm straight up and I am now the guy that got the second shift started in my department cause I told the bosses one day that they were Fn up by not running our area 24hrs a day. They said " prove it" so being who I am I showed them and now I am one step closer to Team Leader and another raise. Yes my second raise in 4 months.
   Being who you are will only get you were you want to be in life, if you are a follower you will stay in the back of the pack. If you are a leader people will see it and make sure you are were you need to be. All the other He said , she said B.S. will not follow unless you invite it in the door. Be a man and people will respect you as one.

[70charginglizard]

Day of judgement, God is calling,
on their knees the war pigs crawling.
Begging mercies for their sins,
Satan, laughing, spreads his wings.
Oh lord, yeah!

[Dale The Bold]

Go trolling for some skanks, get laid a couple of times...and forget she ever existed.

Good advice.  A monumental case of genital warts is a sure-fire way to get your mind off your ex.

A cheating girlfriend who spreads rotten lies about you...her name isn't Colleen is it?  If so, her dumpees have meeting the first Thursday of every month.  One of the other Dales in our support group (Fall 1989-Spring 1990) went through his return to society rather quickly and has been an inspiration to us all.

[greenpigs]

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry

So true!

I like that one and  

[Darkness]

Thanks guys. Dodge-Charger is right and thanks Dodge. No my ex's name isn't Colleen and won't say the name only because I am better than her by not stating any names and causing drama. Alright well guys, if anyone else has anything to add to this thread then feel free to do so. Anyways, I'm off of here so catch you all later.