Hey, science fiction fans....

[TheGhost]

I've had an idea for a story playing around in my head for the better part of 6 years now, and decided to finally write some of it down.  Tell me what you think.



Chapter One: First contact.


Part One.



"Overlord, this is Echo Three One Niner Niner, we have located the San Valdez. She's got extensive damage to the outer hull, and we aren't reading any life beacons in the vicinity."

"Roger that, IronHawk. Keep us updated."

Lt. Kaysle turned away from the com to look at the adrift San Valdez, an Entaris class research vessel that went missing 2 weeks prior. The poor ship was beat to hell, with numerous hull breaches. 2 of her 3 engines were completely missing, and the 3rd looked to be attached only by a few sheets of metal and a couple bolts.

Kaysle's copilot, Lt. Richardson, appeared dumbstruck by the site of the once proud vessel floating crippled. "What the fuck happened to her.... I don't know of any anomoly that could have caused damage that severe...."

Kaysle turned to her copilot. "I have no idea, but we're here to find out. Position us to 1000 meters of her starboard engine. I want a closer look." As Richardson turned the Scout about, and nudged the thrusters, Kaysle again turned to the viewscreen, now filled with the hulk that was once the San Valdez. "Richardson, hold us here. Now, zoom the viewscreen on that engine pod, x2 magnification."

The consol emitted a beep, and the viewscreem immediatly zoomed on the engine. "Mother of God.... Kaysle, is that blaster burns?"

"Sure as hell looks like it, Lt... Power up the deflector grid. I have a bad feeling about this... And, keep the scanners running. I want as much info as we can get."

Kaylse again turned to the com system, and radioed the Overlord. "Overlord, this is Echo Three One Niner Niner, I need to speak to Commander O'Brian."

"Copy that, IronHawk, Commander O'Brian is patched in."

"Commander, sir, we've just completed a visual scan of the San Valdez."

"What have you found, Lt. Kaysle?"

"Sir, it looks like she's been attacked...."

"Are you sure? We are quite a ways from Republic space, Lt. They wouldn't venture this far from their home, and Entaris class ships are fairly well armed, which rules out pirates. If it wasn't the Republic, who else would attack a Confederation research vessel?"

"Damned if I know, Commander. I'm going to try to remote access the San Valdez's onboard computer, and recover as much data as I can."

"Very good, Lt. Report back when you are done."

As soon as Kaysle started the download, she again left the com station, to check on Richardson. He was a young 2nd Lt., just out of Arosia Military Academy, and this was his first mission. He was nervous, so she wanted to keep an eye on him, discreetly, of course. Kaysle smiled to herself, remembering her first mission: A standard search and rescue, much like this one. Except, that time, it had been a miners transport that had a bad engine coil and lost power 2 hours after leaving dock, and everyone was found alive. A much happier ending than this one.

A piercing sound snapped Kaysle out of her daydream. The proximity alarm was sounding! As Richardson fired the port thrusters in order to avoid the collision, Kaysle looked out the cabin porthole just in time to see what had almost hit them. "Oh shit! That wasn't a piece of debris!"

"What?" Richardson whipped his head around, staring at his Skipper.

"That was a motherfucking spacecraft! An armed spacecraft, by the looks of it! Richardson, take the com, radio the Overlord, tell them we are pulling back hot!"

Kaysle punched the nose thrusters, whipped the Scout in a 180 turn, and fired the main engines at full burn. Both Conferation military officers were pushed back in there seats by the G force before the inertial dampeners took effect. Richardson was frantic, almost screaming on the comset. "OVERLORD, THIS IS ECHO THREE ONE NINER NINER, WE ARE PULLING BACK HOT, REPEAT, WE ARE PULLING BACK HOT! DO YOU COPY?"

"Roger that Echo, how many contacts on your scanners?" Richardson glanced at the screen. "TWO, NO, MAKE THAT THREE BOGIES ON OUR SIX, REPEAT, 3 BOGIES ON OUR SIX!"

Suddenly, the Scout jerked. The unknown craft was firing upon them! Kaysle began the standard evasive tactics, while she transfered all com functions to her headset.

"Richardson, get back there and man the driver cannons! NOW! GO!" Richardson jumped to his feet, and ran through the rear hatch, leaving Kaysle alone in the cockpit of the Scout.

"Overlord, this is IronHawk, we are taking fire, repeat, we are taking fire, from fightercraft of unknown origin! Request assistance!"

"Copy that, Kaysle, bringing the AF guns online. Bring them in range, and we'll blow them to pieces."

Kaysle kept her eyes trained on the Frigate in the distance, knowing that she had only a few minutes untill she was safe, but also knowing that it would be the longest few minutes of her life. For those minutes, her life was only running and dodging from the 3 hostile fighters on her tail.

Suddenly, one of the enemy craft dissapeared off the scanners. From the rear of the Scout, she could hear Richardson chearing. "The son of a bitch must have actually killed one," thought Kaysle, "If we make it back to the Overlord, I'll make sure that kid gets a medal."

The Scout gave another massive jerk, and alarms began to scream in Kaysle's ears. Portside engine was hit! There was a fuel leak! She quickly shut it down, to keep it from exploading, and turned her attention back to evading the enemy fire. "Almost there... just a few more seconds... just a little bit more.... YES!" She reached weapons range of the Overlord, and altered course, heading for the belley of the frigate. As soon as the Scout was clear, the Overlord's Anti-Fightercraft guns opened up on the 2 remaining bogies. One was hit almost immediatly, lost control, and flew right into a stream of fire from another AF gun, which ripped it apart. The remaining fighter rolled a 180, hit the throttle, and left the Overlords kill zone as fast as it could.

"Echo Three One Niner Niner, this is Overlord. Landing bay is clear.  You have permission to land."

"Roger that, Overlord, Echo Three One Niner Niner beginning landing sequence now." Kaysle breathed a big sigh of relief, just as Richardson returned to the copilots chair. "We made it! We actually made it," he softly said as he sat down. Kaysle just smiled.




Keep in mind that this is really the first time I've written any part of my idea down, so it's bound to be a bit rough.

[Shakey]

At what point does the funky music begin and when does everyone start bangin' each other in different positions?

BTW, you should start with a chapter dedicated to character introductions etc....

Let the audience know who is who and how they got to come together, no pun intended!

[4402tuff4u]

That was pretty good! I have to say I liked it. Nice job. Now have Charger Bill sketch out the spacecrafts and sell the story for a movie script.  Was'nt that titled used already? I love scifi, so I'm into that kind of story/movie.

[dodgecharger-fan]

Not bad... I read it all the way through. I've paid 10 bucks for books that didn't keep me reading past the first chapter.
I think I'd want to keep reading this one.

You could probably follow that chapter with a "This how we got to this point in our story.." type of chapter.
This one grabs your attention and makes you wonder why it happened. The next chapter needs to start telling the story and buillding the characters.

But, just a little constructive criticism:

"Overlord" ??   You need a different name there, I think.

And "confederation" is Star Trek. Unless you plan to try and sell this to the Star Trek franchise, you'd be better off coming up with something else.

There's afew other things that are a little "off" - but not much. They could probably get sorted out when you build the rest of the story.
This scout ship that they're in: it seems small sometimes and it seems big at others. Work in a sense of the surroundings. That will help paint the picture that the story is set in.

I think this is a lot of stuff that your editor/publisher would nag you about. So, keep at it and get the ideas down. This stuff will get sorted out later.

[TheGhost]

It's pretty far away from Star Trek, so I don't need to worry.  Star Trek has the "Federation", which includes many alien races.  While this story has several different goverments in it, the Confederation, and most of the others, are human only governments.  And, the only aliens in this are the ones that attacked the Scout.

The title of the Chapter is First Contact.  The title of the book, if I ever finish it, would be something along the lines of The Natari Conflict.

The background of the charactors, and the identity of the alien race, would be revealed in the next chapter, or, perhaps, later in this chapter, since it's far from finished yet.

What's wrong with Overlord, for the name of a military Frigate?

I've actually got some of the vehicles designed, and drawn up.

Maybe later tonight, I'll give you guys the summerized background of this story.

I'll take all the constructive criticism I can get with this, since, it definatly needs some work and polishing.

[Orange_Crush]

Having been an English major and an avid amateur writer...I'm definitely not one to discourage a young writer...but let me go ahead and say this.

Anyone interested in chipping in for a Hooker for TheGhost, please contact me...this boy needs layin'

[4402tuff4u]

Hey The Ghost, keep writing and putting your ideas on paper. The critics were pretty harsh on George Lucas when he got started, he even got fired from a job for his scifi ideas. George then started his own company since no one really believed in him - "Lucas Films" and hit a home run from there. Keep doing what you believe in.  

[Ponch ®]

Anyone interested in chipping in for a Hooker for TheGhost, please contact me...this boy needs layin'

Sorry, but when it comes to getting hookers, I only look out for A#1.

[dodgecharger-fan]

It's pretty far away from Star Trek, so I don't need to worry.  Star Trek has the "Federation",

Oops, you're right. My bad.

What's wrong with Overlord, for the name of a military Frigate?

I didn't even realize that was the name of a ship. I thought it referred to a person or being...
I don't know. It sounds a bit hokey either way.

I'll take all the constructive criticism I can get with this, since, it definatly needs some work and polishing.

By no means should you take what I say as discouraging. I didn't mean it that way.

I'm no expert, but I love to read and I know what I like.
So far, I like this. You make me want to read the next chapter.
Keep doing that and you've got yourself a successful book.

[ChargerRob]

Hey Ghost, That's not bad. When you going to post chapter 2. You just might have something there. I like it. 

[MyMopar]

I thought it a very interesting read.  You were able to describe in enough detail actions going on so that I could visually paint a picture in my mind of the scene.  In a book it is very important, but for a moive script, visuals are used so details get left out at times.
In any case, I will concure that I don't really care for Overlord.  It is used in video games often and also from WWII.  You have some creative names so why not continue on that.  I think it is ok to use common terms that people are familiar with as it gives them a sense of already knowing.  COnfederation wouldn't need explaining as people who read sci-fi already understand the meaning.  But if you used Zoomiechickenpox as the name of the good guys and their alliance, you would have more explaining to do.
Big thing here is too try to keep your ideas original to yourself.  Do you have an outline of how the book is to play out.  They will really keep you on track.

[TheGhost]

Hey Ghost, That's not bad. When you going to post chapter 2. You just might have something there. I like it. 

Gotta finish chapter 1 first.


Figure I'll give the basic background, since I've got nothing else to do right now.


The Confederation of Human Planets was the first major intersteller government created, originally joining several dozen Human populated planets together in a loose republic, with Earth as the capitol world.  However, not all human occupied worlds joined.  The major non Confederation planets were the Saitronan (sigh-TRONE-an) Systems, the Chalace (SHAH-las) Republic, the Tracian Empire, and the Kingdom of Titanos.  Less than a hundred years later, most of the other human planets joined into a new government, called the Republic of Galactica.  This new state was larger than the Confederation, and they began to see each other as rivals.  As the centuries passed, the major governments grew.  Saitrona was the smallest of the Superpowers, consisting of 7 systems (12 planets and 32 moons), but, it was the original offworld colony, and was the most self reliant, possessing superior technology to the others.  The Republic was still the largest, with the Confederation next largest.

Tension began to grow thick between the Republic and Confederation, escalating into a Cold War.  When a Republic cruiser fired upon a Confederation frigate, the cold war turned hot..  Titanos quickly allied themselves to the Confederation, while Saitrona, Chalace, and Tracia remained nuetral.  Neither side could find a way to decisivly defeat the other, and a truce was called after 5 years of war.  After the war, both Superpowers began to rebuild, but never forgot their hatred for the other...

In the meantime, other conflicts occured.  Tracia attempted an invasion of Saitrona, but their entire attacking force was crushed.  A full 3rd of the Titani Kingdom ceded, and created the Dresnia Republic.  Tracia and Titanos had several conflicts along their borders, but it never escalated.  Chalace was the only State to never enter in a conflict/war with any other State, and always remained staunchly nuetral when it came to conflicts between the other governments of the galaxy.  After the failed Tracian invasion, Saitrona was never attacked, and also remained nuetral.  However, unlike Chalace, they were not under the impression they would never come under attack, and continued developing it's military, even making 2 years of military service manditory for all it's able bodied citizens.  As a result, Saitrona had the most respected military force in the galaxy, the most powerful ships and weapons, and the most highly trained soldiers.

At the time of this story, the Republic and the Confederation are again in a state of cold war, and border conflicts between the 2 superpowers threaten to turn into the 2nd Galactic War.  Titanos again has allied itself with the Confederation.  Saitrona has broken it's longstanding tradition of nuetrality, and secretly allied itself with the Confederation, as well.  Tracia surprisingly has entered no alliances, while Dresnia and Chalace claim nuetrality, but have begun building their military forces, in preperation for war...

[Big Lebowski]

  Call George Lucas, he needs a new project.

[TheGhost]

  Call George Lucas, he needs a new project.

Last time I looked, he doesn't do books. 

[Old Moparz]

Hey Ghost,

If you really enjoy writing, don't stop. My dad had wanted to be a writer for as long as I can recall. He had a box of papers he wrote over the years & always talked about how when he retired he would write a lot more. When his company moved, he didn't & took a year off before going back to work & lived on his serverence pay. He did get a short story published, but I don't think the book of stories it was in sold well, so he never did any more. He still talks about writing again, but I don't think he will, but you never know.

Keep at it.